'4 years ago, I cut off my toxic step mum. Now I don't know if I made the right decision.'

Reader, I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

It's a family pickle to be specific, an estrangement pickle that has impacted countless extended loved ones, but is centred upon myself and my step mum. Let me explain.

In 2016, my father met a woman called Renee, and they fell in love. By 2019, they were married – my dad's second wedding, Renee's first.

The very first time Renee and I met, it felt as though there was an immediate clash in personalities. I was a teen, apprehensive to see who the new woman in my dad's life was, having built a wall around me in fear of opening up. She was already a mother to a daughter a few years younger than me, likely interested and a little nervous to meet the important people in her new partner's life.

Unfortunately, I don't think it was the first meeting either of us had hoped for. And the tune didn't change over the next three years as we got to know one another. 

Watch: 8 toxic things parental figures sometimes say to their kids. Post continues below.

Objectively speaking, I was being a nosy, insecure teenager who feared my dad had started a new life without me. 

But I also felt like Renee didn't make an active effort to talk with me. I would ask about her work, her family, her interests, and all I would get is one-word answers. She was also the polar opposite of my mother – Renee drank heavily, was loud and outgoing and only wanted the finer things in life. 

I vividly remember the moment at their wedding where I smiled widely as the celebrant announced 'Mark and Renne, you are now husband and wife', determined to make sure not a single tear fell from my welling eyes. I also remember the moment later at the reception, when I asked the wedding photographer if he could take a photo of my dad and me together, and my new step mum shooed me away and told the photographer to ignore me. My dad just stood there, silent.

It all reached a head at the end of 2019. I was visiting my dad, staying at his place interstate. Of course, Renee was also there. In the first few days, things were okay – we mostly kept clear of one another, trying not to engage in any conversations we assumed would result in a blowup. 

Then it happened. 

Dad had kept a bottle of port in his pantry for two decades, determined to open it when I turned 21 to celebrate my birthday. On that fateful weekend afternoon, Dad made the call to open the bottle. Renee was home too and was invited by Dad and I to have some, but she said to hold off as she was on the phone to a friend.

Dad, for whatever reason, decided to open said bottle two hours into waiting for the phone conversation to end. We toasted my birthday, poured a drink ready for Renee, and took a seat on the couch to continue watching a TV show. 

The night got progressively worse from there. 

It started with passive aggression, a few sly comments such as "shame you didn't wait for me" and "I've been wanting to have that port for ages, maybe we should have just had it for my birthday instead of yours". Then as I took myself to bed, I overheard my step mum go full-throttle. She whined to my dad that "you better not give her any of your money", and "why can't she be more like [insert Renee's daughter's name]".

There was not a single word of defence from my father.

The following morning, the comments were addressed. There were tears on my part, anger-fueled silence on my from my father, and accusations that I was "crazy just like your mother, hearing things" from my step mum.

Needless to say, it wasn't a rosy ending to the stepdaughter/step mum relationship. 

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From that moment onwards, Renee and I have not been in contact. We haven't seen each other in person, we don't talk to one another, and I rarely, if ever, talk about her with my dad. For some time, I had a lot of resentment towards my dad for his role in this all as well – wishing that he, as the parent and adult, would have stepped in. 

Slowly, we've managed to get back to a better place. 

I would be lying if I said I don't harbour any resentment towards my step mum still. But recently, I can't shake the niggling thought in the back of my mind. A teeny, tiny thought that I've suppressed for so long. Deep, deep down wondering if I made the right decision to cut contact with her those four years ago.

When you cut a family member out of your life, many describe it as one of the most emotionally complicated feelings ever felt. A pull between the head and the heart.

Fortunately in my position, there isn't a blood tie or a significant number of time and memories between Renee and me. It made the cut far easier. But there's nothing simple about the process. It's messy. Particularly when other family members become involved.

Along with Renee, I also don't have contact with her daughter. We've blocked one another on every social media platform – how very Gen Z... I do however keep contact with one or two of Renee's loved ones, who I met and got along with very well in the early days.

On my dad's side, they all walk a fine line between being supportive of me, but not wanting to create further distance between themselves and my dad. The burden on those orbiting the duo who are estranged can't be ignored.

Around me, I know a lot of people who have cut out someone from their life, often due to experiences of 'toxicity'. In a lot of cases, it makes complete and utter sense, the relationship clearly causing harm. 

I can't help but wonder if mine stacks up in comparison. 

Yes, there was gaslighting. Yes, there were disagreements. Differences in personality. Tension in competing for my dad's attention, which reflecting on is the biggest ick of them all.

When you scroll through TikTok, you'll see videos of users explaining how they don't keep anyone in their life who 'harbours negative energy' or 'doesn't serve them'. 

In my mind, my step mum doesn't serve me, nor do I like her. But would it be easier to just remain on neutral, civil terms, rather than a severe cut?

What's brought about these questions I'm ruminating on, you might be asking: An upcoming funeral.

It's well expected that a funeral is on the horizon, related to the pending death of an elderly member of my dad's family. It's an event that both my mum and myself will go to, given my mum has a close relationship with this person from my dad's family. Of course, my father and his wife will attend. And to be reunited all together will be an interesting experience, to say the least...

Would it be more straightforward for us all to simply say hello to one another, remain civil and then go on with our separate lives? In my gut, I think so. 

Every part of me doesn't want to speak to Renee again. There's every chance she feels the same. But there's a cost to estrangement that feels so hard to put into words.

A cost that involves logistics, anxiety and rumination when you find yourself in a position where you will see them in person again.

Right now, I have some time to make my decision, reflect on my own actions and whether my step mum is someone I want in my life on the periphery or someone I will do everything in my power to keep firmly away from me. 

The end decision of course doesn't just lie with me, communication is a two-way street and agreement. And I think that's what brings fear too – wondering if I put myself out there, whether I will be shut down. 

Friends I've spoken to who have stepparents say it's a relationship they have also struggled with. It's a dynamic that can be challenging to navigate, and even harder to repair once damaged.

When my parents divorced when I was 12, one of my biggest fears was that the fairytales were true – that I would have to at some point deal with an 'evil step mum'. 

In 2019, I let myself believe that fairytale storyline was reminiscent of my real-life situation.

Now four years on, things don't feel so black and white. 

*The author of this article is known to Mamamia. They have chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. 

Feature Image: Getty.