The unspoken politics of playdates (from a 'hot mess' mum of three).

A few weeks ago, American mum and TikTok creator Shay.Nanigans got precisely the reaction she was after when she posted a video online asking: "can we normalise sending the other family money for playdates?"

In the now-viral clip, the self-confessed 'rage-baiter' posted a screenshot of a text exchange she claimed had happened between her and another mum. In it, Shay had requested the other woman send her $15 for 'food and materials' (including a fee for using the bathroom) after her child had been over for a playdate. 

The post, which was entirely satirical but duped a number of commenters and media outlets, led to a wider debate about playdates and the proper etiquette around them. 

@shay.nanigans87

Contraversial but I think it’s a really good idea. What do you think?

♬ original sound - Shay.nanigans87

A lot of parents chimed in with their list of 'rules' for the playdates. There were think pieces and follow-up TikToks posted about making sure kids don’t have any screen time on a playdate ("it's about connection, not plugging them in!"), clearing the list of snacks with the other parent beforehand ("please don't stuff him full of sugar then send him home hyper") and of course, how to approach disagreements between the children on said playdate. 

And look. These are all valid discussions to be having, if you're an organised, calm parent of one or two — heck, even if you're a unicorn with a big family whose children respond to basic demands. 

But I have three children, none of whom have ever shown an interest in toeing the behavioural line, and playdates at my house are more about making sure the WFC matches culminate away from sharp edges than cultivating any sort of nourishing imaginative play opportunities.

I am not the captain of what you'd call a tight ship. My ship is in fact looser than the elastic on the maternity undies I refuse to throw away, three years since I last gave birth. 

And while there isn't a tonne of structured play going on when kids get together at my place, I am still deeply invested in maintaining good relationships with the village of parents around me.

For me, making sure things are chill between us, the parents, will always trump having enough pre-planned, paint-your-own-pet-rock activities set up for our little darlings in case of rain.

And so, gentle reader, if this is more your vibe, I present to you a list of etiquette considerations for the hot mess mums, so that our playdates may carry on with merry tumult, without any of the social weirdness that will keep you up at 3am.

1. Set a time limit

We're all busy. I’m a people-pleasing extrovert who was raised with an open-door policy for guests so I will never willingly tell you to leave. This often results in me slowly disintegrating into a puddle of cortisol and sweat as I see the hours ticking by, a fellow mum settling in with her third cup of tea and showing no signs of leaving my home. I like to have a time-frame to work on with all playdates. Don't make it weird though. Just let me know you’re leaving before lunch and we'll work to that schedule. Likewise, I will make sure you know that if we're coming over, we'll be out of your hair two hours later. 

2. Unless my kids are allergic, they can eat it at your house

My first child didn't eat sugar until he was two years old, and I once nearly divorced his father after discovering he had secretly been buying non-organic bananas when he did the shopping. Fast-forward to the third child, whose first solids were a lollipop he found stuck to the couch, and it's fair to say my food policies have relaxed. If your kids come over, I will more often than not make up a snack plate of cheese, crackers, fruit, carrot sticks and a sprinkling of TinyTeddies over the lot to trick them into eating roughage. If I'm at your place, unless it's got gluten in it (one of my kids is celiac), I'm giving them the big ole nod to whatever you want to serve them up. Playdates are special occasions and I'd rather them have a juicebox and lollies than leave another parent feeling like I'm judging them.

3. If our kids are in a disagreement, it’s my kid's fault

Obviously there are limits to this one and a lot of parents disagree, but if the kids come running with a squabble they want us to sort out, I will help them figure it out, then whisper to you "my kid can be a real arsehole sometimes". It is only proper for you to respond with "so can mine." It doesn't have to be true, and obviously we don't let the kids hear, but there is an unspoken rule that the quickest way to build a connection with another parent is to acknowledge the reality that your kid isn't always an angel. And look, half of the time you'll be right, and it was your kid's fault. The other half of the time, the other parent will be right, and their kid is being the arsehole. The kids will forget their fight in 30 seconds, but you’ll never forget the mum who shoots daggers at your child because he stole her angel’s toy.

Watch: Things Mums Never Say. Ever. Post continues after video.

4. I'll show you mine if you show me yours…

I'm talking about clutter and mess. Once upon a time, when I was a mother-of-one and existed in a peaceful cloud of smug that I knew exactly what I was doing within every aspect of parenting, I used to regularly have a group of mums and dads from our local parents' group over to visit. Before they arrived I'd tear frantically around the house, prepping cheese platters and crudites and welcoming my guests into a peaceful haven of early childhood calm. FFS, I even lit candles. It wasn't until years (and an extra kid) later, that a mum-friend let me in on the greatest secret of all time. "Don't clean your house for me," she texted before our first ever playdate. "Can we just agree that you'll leave all your chaos, which means that when you come over for the next playdate to our place, I won't feel any pressure to clean either?" Boom. Mind blown. It took 80 percent of the stress out of the playdate immediately and we happily spent countless mornings from that point on sitting around one another’s kitchen tables, dishes piled high in the sink and folding still lying in wait on the couch.  

5. Take turns, and make it clear if you want me to stay or go

People have different playdate preferences when it comes to whether they drop and go or whether they stick around. Obviously the age of your kids and how well you know the other parent is going to be a big factor here, but the most awkward thing of all time is when another parent doesn't specify. Do you want me to drop the child and come back to pick them up later, or are you planning to have me stick around? I'm easy with either, but I need a guide here, so if you're inviting my kid to come and play, a simple "we can have a cuppa while they run around" or "feel free to drop him if you're comfortable and have a few hours to yourself" will greatly alleviate the awkwardness of having to ask. Playdates are like the zipper system in traffic. It's officially written into legislation anywhere, but widely accepted to work best when you take them in turns. If we've had your kid over three times in a row and no reciprocal invitation has been forthcoming, I am going to assume you think we're weird (valid) and don't want us over. 

6. If I don't text you back, it's not because I hate you

My toxic trait is that if I don't respond to a text message within 15 minutes of reading it, my brain erases all memory of that text message having existed. There's also the distinct possibility that I've handed my phone to my four-year-old to prevent a back-seat meltdown in traffic, and she's opened it without me ever having seen it in the first place. I know this is not best practice, but I promise, I'm not trying to slow-ghost you. Unless you're one of those parents who never leaves...