After moving her life across the world six months ago, Amy from Ireland was thrilled to come across a Facebook group for women in Sydney who wanted to make new friends.
“I found one for women in their mid to late 30s so I was like, yay my people!” the single 35-year-old told Mamamia. “I was so excited to meet people who I could be friends with.”
But when Amy headed along to a brunch the girls organised a few weeks ago, it didn’t go as she hoped.
Watch Carry Bickmore on letting go of people-pleasing. Post continues after video.
“We were all sat at different tables and as I made my way around the room, it was the same conversation over and over,” she said. “Broken hearts, former partners, and still not being over them. And then I think that spurred on the egg conversation because as you get older you're like, ‘well, that one didn't work out so now what?’.
“There were loads of women who’d been through loads of different experiences but the talk was all exes and eggs.”
For Amy – who’d been hanging out with friends in their 20s where “there isn’t much talk about settling down” – it was disappointing.
“Everyone was talking about the AMH test (a type of fertility assessment) and saying, ‘oh you should get it done’ and ‘you should just freeze your eggs, it’s an amazing insurance policy’ and la la la,” she explained.
“There was one woman whose work had paid for her egg freezing while another in her late 30s was going through IVF. She said her doctor told her that she should have done it way sooner because your eggs fall off a cliff between 35 and 37 and she was 37 and saying ‘I should have done this way sooner’.”
And it wasn’t just Amy who was affected. Some women were left in tears.
“There were a few people who were upset, and they were the ones who’d come out of long-term relationships and were having to go through the process on their own,” she said.
“I don’t mind going deeper with conversation – everyone has their own story to tell and sharing information with each other can be helpful. Maybe it will make you think in a way that you wouldn’t have before, or it opens up your mind.
“But it was the fact that this discussion was repetitive on every table. Like it was the common theme in all the conversations and it was a bit disheartening. There was no lightness. It was only heavy stuff.”
'I came away feeling pressured to do it.'
Emotionally drained, Amy left the brunch with the weight of her future on her shoulders.
“I came away feeling pressurised, like, ‘oh, f**k’,” she told Mamamia. “Obviously I had thought about it before and did decide that it wasn't for me because I think if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it doesn't happen for everybody."
Listen to Mia Freedman talk about the big secret to female friendship. Post continues after podcast.
“But I came away feeling pressured to do it, and it was only when the dust had settled from all of that intensely that I was like, ‘no, I know myself and that's not for me’.”
Bonnie Ray, a PhD candidate at Griffith University, wasn't surprised that women are still feeling societal pressure.
"I'm researching social comparisons among parents but I think it definitely applies even before becoming a parent in that women have these types of conversations and they're comparing themselves to their friends, or even people they don't know, and it does put a lot of pressure on them and impacts their mental health,” she told Mamamia.
"It's very hard to navigate friendships around that if that's not what you want to talk about, because having kids and finding the right partner to have kids with seems to be a very dominate conversation.
“I think if you just go to general things like that, there is the risk of it all just being on that topic. But if you look toward particular things that you might be interested in, like a sport, activity or craft, you're more likely to build relationships with people around something else."
While Amy won’t be rushing back to another “exes and eggs” brunch anytime soon, she said it was great to see these women come together.
“Obviously we created a safe space for each other that people felt like they could or should talk about it which is a positive thing,” she added. “And I’m sure somebody came away with more information or more perspective."
But Amy is still on the look out for 'her people'.
“I think looking for friends is the same as looking for a partner,” the 35-year-old said. “You’re still looking for the connection and the vibe.
“You just have to keep your energy up and keep trying to meet people until you find the right match.”
Image: Getty Images.
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