'I woke up one day and even my hair was irritated.' The truth about midlife rage.

No-one likes an angry woman. Not me. Not you.

So screechy. So shrill. So alienating. So… annoying. Ugh. Turn her down, turn her off, kick her out. 

Problem is, friends, rage is a wave that women have been trying to ride, tame, quiet, for a lifetime. Some have more reason to be furious than others, and those women obviously, are the ones we tolerate it from the least. But in midlife, rage crashes over many of us at force, uncontainable, unstoppable, all powerful.

I woke up one day and even my hair was irritated. 

I was furious at every inconvenience, rageful at every injustice, impatient with everything from the kettle to the Prime Minister.

I was incapable of forming the smiling mask of a patient mother, respectful employee, supportive partner, and dutiful daughter.

My midlife fury was bursting out and splattering walls. It frightened me. I needed it fixed.

Listen to the full episode of MID with Jacinta Parsons where we talk about why anger might be a very rational response to many things about… life. Post continues after podcast.

Could it be fixed? Or did it have to be faced?

The doctors' offices of Australia are full of women asking for their rage to be reined in so we can… get on with things. Working. Caring. Making the world turn. 

If we all suddenly follow our fury where it might lead, to erratic behaviour and an abandonment of duty and self-focused pursuit of pleasure and explosions in every traffic jam, what would happen? What exactly would happen if we all behaved like... men? 

That's a trite and unfair thing to say, and I retract it, but come on, it was just sitting right there for the taking. 

One reason the mood swings accompanying a plunge in the hormone estrogen are so shocking to so many of us is because we have not, generally, been encouraged to listen to our anger. To take it out for a supervised walk around the block. 

Women have - generalisations ahead - broadly been socialised to submerge it, suppress it, and redirect it into 'passive' aggression, not outward, visible, active aggression. We have been encouraged to display our displeasure in a snarky whisper (I think it might be called 'b*tching') rather than a roar. To ask for what we want in a persuasive request (I believe it's labelled 'nagging') rather than a direct ask.

We've been encouraged to smooth angry lines from our foreheads and modify our voices to be calm and pleasant. We've been encouraged to view our anger as unreasonable, to question it, and to turn it on ourselves. Silly us, overreacting again. 

And to be honest, many of us prefer it that way. We have been around unbridled explosions of anger, and we have seen where those can lead. It rarely turns out well for us.

So, when, typically somewhere from our mid-40s, we find ourselves raging, as I did, at the kettle, and the car, and the person who just won't walk fast enough in front of us. And at the partner who still puts the cup on the edge of the sink, not in the dishwasher. And at the child who still drops their towel on the bedroom floor, unthinkingly certain that we will bend to gather it up. And at the school bullies shoving around our "different" kid. And at the boss who thinks they already asked you for that thing they need by tomorrow but they definitely, definitely did not. And at the friend who is always 10 minutes late (that's me, apologies). And at the unexpected item in the bagging area. And at the gender pay gap. And at the unshifting family violence statistics. And at the street harassment our daughters are just now learning is a non-negotiable part of their very existence. And at the way, almost every major world event - from a war to an election - seems to involve a disproportionate disregard for women's lives, safety and rights...

While you're here, watch Charlotte's powerful speech in one episode of And Just Like That about 'women's work' and how it accurately resonates with women. Post continues after video...

Well, we're a bit overwhelmed. 

So, back to wanting it fixed. 

Seventy per cent of midlife women say that "irritation" is their most regular symptom of fluctuating hormones. And as I only learned in Mamamia's Very Peri summit, even as a woman going through it myself, those hormones don't just plunge once. They rollercoaster for a significant amount of time. For a while there, my mood would stabilise, along with my sleep (my other big hormonal tell) and I would decide I had just had a series of very bad days. 

For me, the hormone patches prescribed by my GP have been very helpful in easing the storm and helping me sleep. The only (rage-inducing) problem with that is that there is a worldwide shortage of them (because there are so many women finally asking for treatment for their midlife symptoms), and they can be devilishly hard to get. 

But I am only me. And I am not going to offer medical advice to anyone, let alone a rageful midlife woman. Because the other thing I often think about, when I consider how rattled I was by my patience for everything annoying in my life finally running out is...

Is anger really that unreasonable a response to 40-odd years as a woman?

Is our midlife anger purely hormonal, symptomatic of that hormone plunge, or are we just sick of all the sh*t?

After all, there's so much to be cranky about, after decades of making nice, of being overlooked or dismissed, ogled or rejected, of trying to sneak under the radar of dangerous men.

Years and years of sitting pretty and nodding politely and apologising and forgiving and peace-making and saying, It's fine, I'm fine, it's fine, and making everyone else's lives run smoothly while yours sputters and strains. 

And now here we are, at midlife, at our most wise and powerful and yet… we have never been so pitied. 

Aw, dear, look at you, still around, still here, still striving for relevance, still having opinions and wearing clothes and having a face. 

Cute.

Are midlife women angry? Or are they just shouting so you notice them, like a poltergeist flinging vases around the room?

Is it the estrogen, or is it the universe? Unclear.

But look, I'm sorry, this whole thing has all sounded a bit angry, hasn't it? 

A bit rageful, I apologise. No one likes an angry woman. Especially not me.

*This is an edited and expanded version of the introduction to an episode of the podcast MID, hosted by Holly Wainwright and featuring Jacinta Parsons. It's available now, here.

Experiencing a midlife crisis? Read these:

• Less sleep, teenage dramas, and better sex: 17 women on how midlife actually feels.
• Millennials don't own burn out: Why midlife women are falling apart.
• The key to feeling good about turning 40, or any age, according to a psychologist.

Feature image: Max.