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We're on the home stretch, and we've only just learned that porridge makes Jett vomit. Feels unfortunate, considering that's all we've been watching these people eat for literal weeks.
Before their first challenge, Angry James Bond tells the celebs they have "another disgusting day" in front of them. What motivation!
On a narrow log suspended over gushing water, two recruits at a time will participate in hand-to-hand combat to see who is the strongest.
WOO, MORE PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
There are basically no rules. You can punch, kick, push, etc. It's basically wet log MMA.
First up, Heath makes light work of pushing Mark off.
Sam beats Jett, and one of the angry British men is surprisingly... cheery about it.
I do enjoy that the angry British men are their least angry when watching people physically fight.
Jana and Jess are next, and Jess is coached into dirty tactics, like throwing actual dirt in her face.
It feels very wrong, but it works a bloody treat.
John says he wouldn't resort to those kind of tactics... but when there's an angry British man telling you to go low, you go low.
So with a fist full of sand, he approaches Dan. He throws it as a distraction and then goes low. They look like some kind of human pretzel, but it works and John is given the win.
In round two, Jess fights Heath and Sam fights John.
The... obvious winners win, Jana drools a little over Sam's ripped shirt, and the stars have aligned for an AFL vs NRL final.
LOOK AT HOW EXCITED EVERYONE IS.
I HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN THAT PARTICULAR ANGRY BRITISH MAN SMILE BEFORE.
In the end, Heath pushes Sam and his muscles off the log to be the last man standing, a win that will probably see him given the keys to Melbourne or something.
Does that AFL reference fly? God loves a trier.
Jana, Jess and John (the triple Js!) have a somewhat ~heated~ discussion about ethics and sand throwing on the car ride back to base.
It's a little awkward, and John can't believe that Jana doesn't understand that they're in a weird situation where they have to SH*T IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER, so what's a little sand to the face?
Well, when you put it like that... he has a point.
Everyone is running on empty, especially porridge-hater Jett.
As Angry James Bond tells them they're going to need to grit their teeth so hard they fall out (wtf) over the next few days, Jett approaches with his armband.
He's hit a major, porridge-free wall, and it's time for him to voluntarily withdraw.
Lovely James Bond makes a reappearance, telling Jett he's a bloody great human who has done remarkably.
Strong agree!
He calls his mum, Lisa Curry, and she is... literally everyone's mum on a video call. The camera is sideways; the Wi-Fi is choppy, and she gets super emotional.
The wholesome vibe quickly goes south when we cut to John and Dan talking about foot fetishes.
"You've got to be born with that, right? How do you find our you've got a foot fetish?"
"I don't know, I think it just creeps up on you man, and before you know it you're getting horny over some feet."
Let's swiftly move on.
With Koby and his ego gone, Jess is the new duty recruit in charge of communication between the DS and celebs. It is not off to a good start, because her pencil is sh*t.
The whole thing is giving me real Jonathan Swan interviews Donald Trump vibes.
Foxy then delivers the recruits a new pencil sharpener and acts like a naked, showering Dan is a personal attack. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The next morning, it's time for another very painful, log-based challenge.
This time the celebs have to band together to haul a log weighing more than a 150kgs five kms to a rendezvous point high at the top of a mountain within an hour. Typically chill.
They get about a kilometre in when Jess' body completely gives up, and she withdraws.
Angry James Bond pulls some parkour-type sh*t to find her, and just when I'm expecting a blasting, he is... nice. This man is so multifaceted, you guys!
He says she's been his morale??? And he's so proud of her!!!
Bless.
This also means everyone else needs to carry a little more of the 150kg load, so that's fun for them.
The next five minutes is effectively just Angry James Bond yelling "MOVE" and everyone else huffing, puffing and grunting.
The whole thing just looks grim as hell.
They make it to the top of the mountain FIVE SECONDS TOO LATE.
LATE FOR WHAT? WHAT IS THE POINT? WHAT WAR SIMULATION IS GOING ON AROUND THEM RIGHT NOW?
Feels like a conspiracy, to be honest.
Angry James Bond tells them their punishment for missing the deadline - by, let me repeat, FIVE SECONDS - is that they now must run even further with the log.
To this, Heath is like NAH, NO THANKS SIR.
He takes off his armband, defeated.
It then turns out they only had to run an extra 100 metres.
So that's... awkward for him.
The angry British men are VERY ANGRY AT HIM for giving up on his team and implore him to rejoin the group, so Heath halfheartedly reattaches his armband.
I get it, but where was this energy for Jett or Jess???
Back at camp, Jess says hello to her mum and goodbye to the feeling of angry British spit flying at her face, while Angry James Bond gives the rest of them a pep talk about making it through the next couple of days.
Actually, does telling them "there's no end, you have to keep going, etc." count as a pep talk?
He tells everyone to go rest up, so they all take off... except Heath.
He's grabbing his armband AGAIN.
NO.
I THOUGHT WE'D MOVED PAST THIS.
Angry James Bond is disappointed, but he eventually accepts Heath's armband and allows him to officially withdraw.
We've gone from 10 to five recruits in just two episodes. At this rate, absolutely no one is going to pass the bloody course.
Read more:
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode one: OMG, you can't just tear gas people for our entertainment.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode two: Nobody should be expected to carry a... River Boy.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode three: WE HAVE OURSELVES A CHEATING SCANDAL.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode four: Oh good, everyone's punching each other in the face.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode five: CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP BEING MEAN TO KERRI.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode six: Time for a nice, relaxing 'kill or be killed' scenario.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode seven: This show just turned into an episode of Law & Order.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode eight: Everyone spills their deepest, darkest secrets.
- Mamamia recaps SAS Australia episode nine: The recruits are dropping like flies.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, sarcasm and... cat content, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Channel 7.
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