Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Everyone throws Harrison and his printed receipts in the bin.

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Only four hours — of yelling, crying and the worst smug face we've ever had the misfortune of watching — stand between us and freedom.

Can you believe it?

The recap sequence reminds us of the good and the bad from this year's MAFS experiment: from Josh's truly spectacular "HALLELUUUUJAH", to the early days when Alyssa believed what Duncan told her.

And then the preview segment warns us that we're probably about to hear far too much about Cameron's penis.

The narrator says this has been one of the most remarkable experiments to date, and would we say that? I mean, no one even threw a fruit bowl.

Melinda and Layton are still together and now they only argue three or four days a week. And Tahnee and Ollie are obviously still the cutest people of all time.

I feel so self-conscious about my own emoji use now

Everyone else is gearing up to fight and SAME.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FIGHTS.

Everyone gets re-introduced, and it takes far, far too long, but the key takeaways: 

- Melissa is keen to hook-up

- Jesse bursts everyone's eardrums but also wants to hug Claire

- Alyssa thinks Duncan was being dishonest, despite him being nothing but honest

- CAM'S BEEN SENDING PICS OF HIS D*CK TO TAYLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROW SOME BALLS, CAM

The experts are bloody frothing at the prospect of drama, and maybe some of the cast having "some positive evolution".

Hahahahaha.

No.

Disney daddy Josh is back in comfortable shoes and comfortable pants, because comfort is the key to truly enjoying chaos and scandal.

Jesse is still yelling and BUDDY, PLEASE. IT'S VERY LOUD.

He arrives first and begins dishing out hugs and backhands to the air.

Jesse's life was fundamentally changed when Alessandra taught him how to hug and I am happy for him

Lyndall and Sandy arrive before Tahnee and Ollie, who everyone rightly fangirls over.

John Aiken says their relationship proves "there is love out there", and I like that even he is shocked at a genuine MAFS success story.

Alyssa is still going on about wanting answers about why Duncan strung her along, even though he did not string her along.

She fills in the other women about Duncan being a dog and they definitely do not believe her.

Right on cue, the MAFS unicorn arrives looking very unicorny.

Majestic

He greets everyone, including Alyssa, who makes a yuck face behind his back.

She says he gives her the ick because he asked her how she was going. 

Claire arrives, she and Jesse have a huge hug and WHY AM I STILL INTO THE IDEA OF THESE THOROUGHLY INCOMPATIBLE PEOPLE BEING TOGETHER.

GODDAMN IT.

Next, the cars carrying Cam and Hugo race to the entrance.

Cam wins and ignores Lyndall completely, then insists that he and Tayla are just mates.

"What's the big deal!"

Bronte is positively thriving after spending time away from Harrison.

And to be honest, I have never related to anything more. The sun has been shining. My skin is glowing. My world has felt at peace.

Then, right on cue, storm clouds appear. Terrifying string music begins.

And in walks the worst person we all don't actually know personally.

Harrison questions the vibe and Rupert says it's because of him and sometimes, I love clueless, filter-free Rupert with my whole heart. This is one of those moments.

Horned up Mel is SHOCKED that non-horned up Mel and Layton are still together, and concludes it must be down to really good make-up sex.

We can only dream of being so consistent in our personalities as darling Melissa.

No one has ever remained truer to their personal brand

Hugo arrives with zero worries until Lyndall pulls him aside to spill the penis-related beans.

He wonders why he even bothered trying with Tayla and TRULY, BUDDY, WE DON'T KNOW EITHER.

The best part of this entire thing is that Josh is there, just listening.

Me, at all times

Tayla is the last to arrive and can someone tell me why we are HALF WAY THROUGH THE DINNER PARTY EPISODE AND THE DINNER PARTY HASN'T ACTUALLY STARTED.

Cam gets up to greet her and EVERYONE WATCHES AS THEY HUG AND... TOUCH ARMS.

It's been 84 years, but finally, it is dinner time.

After too many shots of people chewing on sausage, Melinda clinks her glass to question Cam and Tayla.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOO.

WE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON MEL.

Cam says they had "friendly banter" because he's a "friendly person". No word on whether that includes his d*ck or not, but I reckon it does!

Harrison tries to defend Cam by saying he's talked to other women in the experiment — GOD, I FEEL FOR THEM — but Lyndall says Cam made jokes to Tayla about HAVING THREESOMES SO IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

Mel just now realising the men she helps choose for this experiment are trash

Cam's like I WAS JUST JOKING WHY CAN NO ONE HAVE A JOKE ANYMORE.

Tayla then says "she'd be keen" to kiss Cam BUT ALSO SHE IS JOKING, SHE'S JOKING! COME ON CHILL OUT GUYS, SHE'S JOKING!

Look at these two trying their best to establish a reality TV star to comedian pipeline. I am sure it will work out well for them.

"I mean, um, it really kinda goes as far as we're friends," Tayla explains. "I saw his c*ck".

John Aiken's reaction is almost a play-by-play parody of the Dr Phil shook meme and THAT IS COMEDY.

The table tells Tayla she probably shouldn't shout the word "c*ck" in front of Lyndall and she takes the feedback on board, calling it a "willy" in her piece-to-camera.

No I did not Google 'synonyms for penis' on my work laptop, what are you talking about

Cam says he was naked in a nightclub in front of "every other man and his dog" but he sees no issue with this. And also, he reckons Lyndall should go work at Disneyland or something.

YES HELLO POLICE I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT PUBLIC INDECENCY BUT ALSO AN ABSOLUTE SH*THEAD OF A MAN.

Lyndall shifts the conversation from Cam's actual d*ck to how much of one he is, and we love Lyndall self-love moment around here.

Unfortunately, we must now move onto Harrison.

And he's come with literal, printed off receipts of Instagram messages Bronte sent Abby, the woman he was 'seeing' before his fake wedding.

Somehow, between the promotional trailer and now, his receipt has had a chunk cut out of it. I have many questions but the answer to all of them is... 'reality' TV.

??????

He says Bronte went looking for something she could bring to the reunion to make him look bad and I'M CACKLING BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE LESS SELF-AWARE ON THIS EARTH.

"If you put half the effort you put into this into actually working on yourself, where you could be," he says.

Which is TRULY UNHINGED but also doesn't really make much sense. He definitely missed a word or two from that sentence and maybe he should've practised it in the mirror a couple more times.

"Harrison, you need to hire a f***ing builder for all the work you need to do on yourself," Caitlin fires back.

Everyone at the table laughs and

THIS! 

IS! 

THE!

BEST!

It's an insult made all the more devastating by the fact that Harrison was introduced on the show AS A BUILDER

He says he has printed proof if anyone wants to see and everyone CACKLES at this neatly folded up piece of evidence.

There is nothing incriminating in the messages but the entire group thinks the fact that they exist in a physical form is the funniest thing to have ever happened.

Does he own one or did he have to get this printed at Officeworks? Both hilarious thoughts

Cam has turned the Very Important Evidence into a paper airplane, and Ollie offers to rap the context of the messages.

But Harrison, now a very bright shade of pink, reckons it's "over now" and thank f***.

He has no control in this room anymore — in fact, he's the literal laughing stock.

AND IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

Putting this collage together was the honour of my life

It's time to focus on the two successful couples, "for as long as we can", expert Mel says.

And by that, she means like idk maybe one minute tops?

They suggest maybe a spark could still develop between Jesse and Claire and NOPE I'm going to need them to stop giving us false hope.

Oh.

No.

It's time. 

Time for Alyssa to accuse Duncan of being a liar even though we all know that Duncan is not a liar.

Duncan tells Melinda and Layton he tried reaching out to Alyssa after their disastrous final vows and she says he Googled what to say to her but she doesn't remember what it was.

He starts to repeat it back and she corrects him on the wording, which is objectively a pretty weird thing for someone who doesn't remember the message to do.

Alyssa says she wants him to speak but then clicks her fingers. And interrupts him. And gives precisely 36 other hints that she does not actually want him to speak.

"What do you want to get out of this conversation I initiated?"

Alyssa gets up from the table crying, saying he led her on despite knowing she was sacrificing time with her child to be there.

She leaves but quickly returns because she doesn't want Duncan to "run the narrative".

She asks when he knew their relationship would not work, and he says after a bad final dinner party and final date, plus ya know... everything else, he realised they weren't made for each other.

The scene goes quiet. Reflective music plays. The heads around the table nod. The experts talk about how genuine and mature and perfectly crafted in a lab Duncan is.

Then Alyssa yells: "TAKE OFF THE MASK, DUNCAN".

Ok so where do I find one of these masks?

She tells us she was never going to be good enough for him and she hopes he finds something to meet his high expectations of, uh, hold on let me check my notes.

His high expectations of... being believed when he says literally anything? I guess?

Ollie reckons the night gave him whiplash and suggests the group need referees. And I love that 35 episodes in (YEAH, I KNOW), they're still pretending the experts are in any way helpful.

We'll all get to pretend, one last time, tomorrow night.

SEE YOU THERE!

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: This is what GASLIGHTING looks like.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "I am not a f***ing disposable sex toy."
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two grooms make John Aiken VERY MAD.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WHO TOLD JOSH THIS WOULD BE FUN?
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Shannon just became public enemy #1.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Well, that was a clusterf***.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: John Aiken breaks his own rules. Twice.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A cheating scandal completely unravels.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: ADAM BETTER RUN.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: Adam digs himself the deepest hole OF ALL TIME.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: We're back to holding people against their will. 
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: JUST DATE YOUR FRIEND THEN, DAN.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SANDY DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The most dramatic butt-dial OF ALL TIME.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The bride who genuinely despises her husband.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Melinda is SO DONE with Bronte and Harrison.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: YES, WE DO ALL THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS FAKE.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: THIS IS THE MOST INFURIATING PERSON TO EVER GRACE OUR TVS.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: We will NEVER forgive Harrison for this.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: Okay. Duncan is talking to... a brick wall.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: There is nothing we needed less than... this.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: Surprise! No one here knows how to communicate.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: THIS IS BEYOND A JOKE NOW.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "This is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in."
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: You can't tell a MAFS unicorn HE needs to change.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: A moment's silence for Cameron's vows.

Feature image: Channel Nine.

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