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It is commitment ceremony day and if Harrison walks away unscathed, I may riot.
Before we get to that, Jesse and Claire discuss each other's foot-related boundaries (important) and Harrison once again suggests it's really mean to reject people when you're hot.
Dan and Sandy, who were caught up in Harrison's bullsh*t at the last dinner party, are hashing out their issues, which don't seem to actually exist because nothing happened? Anyway! Sandy's feeling vulnerable because no, Dan might not have taken anyone's number on a night out, but Harrison said he did. However, she also realises that Harrison is a d*ckhead.
Dan is pissed off at Harrison for all of this, and that makes 26 million of us.
Most of the other couples toast to their fake marriages/love/hotness, while Josh and Melissa consider how they're in an "awkward space" because of that time Melissa questioned Josh's manhood because he wanted to talk about things other than sex.
Makes sense.
And Caitlin is preparing us all for when she tells Shannon "boy, bye", like she should.
John Aiken welcomes the group to their second weird, televised fake therapy session by telling them the experts will "absolutely" get to the bottom of their "polarising" behaviour.
DUN DUN DUNNN.
First up is surprise faves Jesse and Claire. Jesse says it was the experts' advice last week that helped him change his behaviour and I have never seen three people look more smug in my life:
They all discuss how excited Jesse is because he and Claire might kiss soon and this is at once the most embarrassing and more wholesome thing I've seen.
They both stay, obviously, because there are still kisses to be had.
Next up is Bronte and Harrison.
That sound you just heard was me audibly groaning.
Harrison says that last week he felt like he wasn't seeing the best side of Bronte, and that time, the sound you heard was the entire rest of the cast audibly groaning.
The only saving grace at this point is that everyone hates him.
John is like, 'okay cool but why did you take someone's number?' and John, buddy, didn't you hear? He's too hot to reject people!
Bronte says she is choosing to trust him and absolutely everyone is confused. Except you and I because we both know she's just along for the followers at this point, right?
Alessandra questions why Harrison being good-looking - "to some people" hahahahaha - means he can get away with this, Harrison tries to speak for Bronte, Claire yells out 'bullsh*t!' from the crowd and then, in a spectacular move, John Aiken asks him to explain why getting someone's number when you're (fake) married is wrong, as if he's speaking to a five-year-old.
Harrison takes 15 years to ponder what may just be the most simple question on earth.
He eventually admits he wouldn't have told Bronte about this if it hadn't come out at the dinner party and yet SHE STILL SAYS SHE TRUSTS HIM.
The journey to Insta fame is a real b*tch, you guys.
In truly devastating news, they both choose to stay. Thoughts and prayers to all of us.
It's Dan and Sandy's turn and Sandy says she doesn't believe the accusations about Dan because Harrison is full of sh*t. Fair point.
They both choose to stay, as do Tahnee and Ollie, Janelle and Adam, and Melinda and Leyton.
Uh oh.
It's Melissa and Josh's turn and they are doing... terribly.
Melissa says she felt suppressed during Intimacy Week and like she is the alpha in the relationship. Josh is like, 'hold up'.
"There is a significant issue in this relationship about control," he says.
He says Melissa has tried to restrict his access to TV and his phone, told him when he can and can't read books, when and where he can go out, who he can talk to and OH YEAH remember the sex ban?!
What in the actual f***!!!!
He recalls Melissa questioning his manhood. She's like "when?" and then like, "oh yeah, I did say that."
Then she says she feels no protection or love or support from Josh and the entire group is cringing. You know it's bad when Bronte, who listens to Harrison gaslight her every waking hour, reckons someone should stop talking!
Duncan jumps to Josh's defence and WE SIMPLY DID NOT NEED DUNCAN TO GET ANY HOTTER???? BUT HERE WE ARE. Layton says Josh has been the best indication of a "real man" he's seen and I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL. Everyone is rallying around Disney Daddy. Even f***ing Harrison looks moved.
Melissa says if Josh questioned her womanhood she would be super upset but also SEX WITH JOSH FELT TRANSACTIONAL?!
THE MUSIC SUDDENLY GETS SO UNHINGED.
It sounds like someone is singing "heh heh" over and over in a very high pitched, haunting way. I, like everyone on the couches, is greatly disturbed.
John Aiken says "Mel, what possessed you to tell us this right now?" which is a little iconic, to be honest.
It's giving 'degrade someone to deflect from my own f*** ups' but I am not an expert (I probably could be. I truly reckon I could work towards an 8.5 per cent success rate on random relationship matches).
Oh wait - I might actually be an expert. Because that's basically what they tell her.
Poor darling Josh is a broken man at this point. He walks off set in tears and many of the men rush out to console him. Once again, I know the bar is on the floor, but SUPPORTIVE MALE FRIENDSHIP REALLY WARMS MY HEART.
Josh returns to the couch and Melissa apologises, but nothing has ever fit the phrase 'too little, too late' better. This is all a hot mess, and that's without even TOUCHING the 'she tells him who he can and can't talk to' allegation!
Josh has, unsurprisingly, chosen to leave. Melissa was planning to leave but changed her mind to stay. A COOKED decision. Absolutely COOKED!
Under the usual rules, they'd have to stick around - consent be damned! - for another week.
But John Aiken has seen enough. And this man has the power. It's typically a questionable arrangement but in this moment, I am onboard.
"We're not going to subject you any longer to this," he says. Josh can leave if he wants to and YEAH I THINK HE WANTS TO.
Ahhh. It's our first goodbye of the season.
SO LONG DISNEY DADDY.
It feels like we've been watching this episode for 87 years, but there are still more couples to get through.
They throw to Alyssa and Duncan next. Thank GOD, because we need a minute of goodness after that mess. Basically, they're having great sex and are obviously staying to have more.
Lyndall and Cameron also both choose to stay, even though Cam doesn't like that Lyndall always knows all the gossip. Can't relate.
Finally, it's Caitlin and Shannon's turn.
Caitlin tells the experts that the most hurtful thing Shannon said this week was that if she was hotter, he would maybe not still be in love with his ex WHICH IS NOT REALLY HOW FEELINGS WORK but also a genuinely horrible thing to say.
John asks why he said those things and Shannon sits there like a statue.
No really, for a moment I wonder if my screen has frozen.
He says he is gutted by his behaviour - of PURPOSELY hurting his fake wife by attacking her appearance!!!!!! - but HE STILL WANTS TO STAY.
"Shannon, you're not talking a lot of sense," John says.
HE'S GOT ZINGERS TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.
John pushes him to answer how he can better himself to make staying worthwhile and he says he'll buy her flowers?????
In a post-Miley Cyrus comeback single society? Embarrassing.
He reckons he'll give her more respect and
HOW
WILL
YOU
DO
THAT???
Then he says he'd also like to give her a hug but she won't want that because "I am a monster".
This is genuinely such a weird conversation. What a turn! What kind of monster does he mean? Like, McDonalds' purple mascot Grimace? A The Last Of Us style zombie? A classic like Frankenstein's creature?
Ah, no, he's simply a monster who puts people down to make him feel better about himself. That's much worse than poor, misunderstood Frankenstein.
But he can't explain why and we cannot tolerate more of his shoulder shrugging.
Gonna need men to start choosing therapy over reality TV!
Caitlin wants to leave, obviously. Because "this man does not deserve me".
YES BESTIE.
John says the experiment got "really, really nasty" for her at points - which I thought was the whole point - but she did nothing but prove how worthy of happiness she is.
Everyone rushes up to hug Caitlin, and only Caitlin.
We end the night with two fewer couples, and you know what that means...
See you (and our intruders!) tomorrow.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
- Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
Feature Image: Channel Nine.
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