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Everyone is mourning Claire and Jesse's exit and blaming Harrison for the end of reality TV's most fun rollercoaster.
SAME.
Meanwhile, Harrison reckons last night's commitment ceremony took a lot out of him and Bronte agrees with everything he says.
The nod feels automated, while she disassociates
We are like, one minute into the episode, and I'm already irrationally angry.
They ponder how healthy Melinda and Layton's relationship is and truly, at this point, I have no words! And I'm supposed to have words! It's my job to have words!
HARRISON STARTS CRITICISING MELINDA FOR BEING "APPERANCE DRIVEN" AND NOPE, THAT IS SOMETHING WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO. He literally introduced himself in episode one as the guy 'girls think is hot' and said "if you find a better guy, I'll beat them by 10 per cent".
Get the - and I cannot stress this enough! - f*** out of here.
They wonder why Melinda hasn't looked inward to realise she is the problem and THAT IS BECAUSE YOU!!!!! ARE!!!!! THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!
Down the hall, Melinda and Layton are going well because 1. they both hate Harrison, 2. they are not criticising the appearance of their fellow contestants and 3. Layton is keen to work more on expressing himself emotionally.
I'm enjoying them a lot, but then John Aiken rudely swoops in to explain this week's focus: f***ing sh*t up for ratings and drama.
The experts are introducing a new challenge this year and it is perfectly poised for sh*t hitting the fan.
The narrator says it is "innovative" and "radical" when really it is just a recycling of the early 2000s show Wife Swap.
Am I surprised? Not in the slightest. But am I excited? Hell f***ing yes I am!
We love honesty around here!
In a surprise to LITERALLY NO ONE, Melinda and Harrison and Bronte and Layton are tasked with swapping.
It is almost as if this was purely curated by production to create the most drama possible.
YES, this is transparent as hell. YES, I am sick to death of this particular drama. But it is almost worth it for Layton's :O face, which might be the greatest in TV history.
NO ONE DOES IT BETTER
Harrison wonders "what if she falls in love with me?", while Melinda metaphorically gags at the idea of even being near him.
The rest of the couple swaps are fine, FYI: Tahnee with Rupert, Lyndall with Ollie, Alyssa with Cameron and Evelyn with Duncan.
They only have a few minutes to pack their things which makes little sense because they literally share an apartment floor. They can go down the hall if they forget socks, ya know?
Now that he's had time to think about it, Harrison is excited about the prospect of having expert permission to f*** up another relationship even further.
"I think Melinda's a bit of a nightmare, to be honest," says this show's biggest ever nightmare.
"A little bit of healthy wife shaming might be in order."
All's fair in love and war right buddy x
While Melinda has come around, because YOLO, Layton insists he won't take part because he's morally opposed to the idea.
They fight about it just as Harrison knocks on the door. Because OF COURSE THEY DO.
Melinda wonders how she drew the short end of the stick - producers, Mel! Producers! - and it delivers one of the all-time great awkward encounters.
I LOVE AWKWARDNESS.
I would rather watch people awkwardly twiddling their thumbs on opposite sides of the couch over people actively fighting every day of the week.
Sadly, Melinda and Layton then kick off in front of Harrison, which physically pains me because HE LOVES IT.
The awkward smiles only lasted 90 seconds, but what a glorious 90 seconds they were
Meanwhile, Ollie introduces Lyndall to his and Tahnee's 13 fish children and once again proves that he could take John Aiken's job.
He has observed that Lyndall and Cam seem to discuss things for the first time at the commitment ceremony, which says to him they're too scared to delve deep in private because things are a bit "dicey".
Lyndall feels validated but also sad that she can't talk like this with her actual fake husband.
I feel this
The experts have tasked Melinda and Harrison, Evelyn and Duncan and Bronte and Layton the 'hard-hitting questions task'. This means they must ask each other - you guessed it! - hard hitting questions.
Melinda answers Harrison's questions and she thinks he is a f*** boy with a fake relationship. Who knew?
In contrast, Tahnee and Rupert share wholesome answers to wholesome questions because they are wholesome.
And Layton isn't down to live with Bronte, but he will ask and answer brutal questions.
He tells Bronte about the fight and Bronte says Melinda kinda gaslit him.
Firstly, that is not what gaslit means. Gaslit means whatever it looks like when her fake husband looks in the mirror.
Secondly, LOL.
"It's amazing that I picked it up because I have never, ever seen it before!"
Rupert is feeling inspired to do something romantic for Evelyn and production needed to tick off another delivery company ad, so he organises to send her flowers.
The funniest part is not the sponsored content or Rupert referring to himself as "hunky hub Ruperto", but rather the clearly set up inclusion of the 9Now app:
Rupert is not watching re-runs of The Block, this is 100 per cent a production phone
Evelyn and Duncan and Alyssa and Cameron get a different task: the honesty letter task. This means they have to write a letter, which is, er, honest.
Three of them write their letter, while Alyssa gets to work on her novel.
Duncan says he feels like he and Alyssa cannot have important conversations without negativity and (her) emotions getting in the way.
Alyssa is afraid that Duncan will "cut and run" once her family life and son tests their relationship.
Cam tells Alyssa he can see that Duncan is trying to make plans for their future, but she says she needs to hear more. And Evelyn tells Duncan he probably just needs to keep proving it until she trusts it to be true.
We get zero insight into what Cameron and Evelyn's letters involve, by the way. They are clearly too... healthy.
*takes deep breath* over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and o-
Evelyn has a bright idea: a photoshoot involving Duncan looking hot with a cake mixer.
Because Alyssa likes Duncan and loves cakes.
Whatever the reason, it's worth it.
Because.
Well, duh.
I JUST FELL TO MY KNEES
Lyndall is missing Cam which is cute/sad despite that fact that he's practically next door and I don't see why they couldn't hang out when cameras aren't around.
Dan literally spent 67 hours a day at the gym. Surely Lyndall and Cam could sneak in a coffee date.
BUT ALAS.
THAT'S NOT CONDUCIVE TO THE STORYLINE.
Do you know what is?
THIS
As the couple swap comes to an end, Duncan is frothing to see Alyssa again.
Alyssa is less enthused.
"Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe I'm self-sabotaging, I don't know," she says. I, FOR ONE, DO KNOW.
Duncan shows her his photoshoot and she reacts like this:
She once again brings up what she perceives as Duncan's "concern" that her child will always be her number one priority.
He says it's actually not a concern at all and she doesn't believe him????
BECAUSE SHE HAS A CHILD.
A CHILD.
HE UNDERSTANDS THAT BUT SHE DOESN'T THINK HE UNDERSTANDS THAT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALISE BUT SHE HAS A CHILD.
She leaves the apartment, suitcase in hand, and darling Duncan BREAKS DOWN CRYING.
"I feel more rejected in this relationship than any other relationship I've ever been in."
SOBBING
OH BOY.
See you tomorrow.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature image: Channel Nine.
