To catch up on all the Married at First Sight recaps and gossip, check out the MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.
Ollie is doing impersonations of the experts and his John Aiken is better than the real John Aiken.
The tone! The hand movements! The irritation over the fact that the people he chose for this very experiment are acting like d**kheads!
Obviously, we aren't meant to think that he and Tahnee are carrying the entire experiment on their backs, so we are informed that Evelyn and Rupert and Melinda and Layton are also so GREAT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Sometimes, the experts can select more than one decent match a year. Maybe.
Melinda and Layton in particular are THRIVING after going to war against Harrison together.
So do I <3
In fact, the only person on this big ol' continent to not hate him is Jesse, who wakes up still doubting his relationship with Claire after Harrison threw grenades at them to deflect from his own mess.
He weighs up who he believes AND I AM GOING TO NEED YOU TO NOT BELIEVE HARRISON, JESSE.
IN THIS SCENARIO BUT ALSO ANY AND ALL SCENARIOS GOING FORWARD.
Unfortunately for everyone, Harrison has decided to attend the commitment ceremony because he is very committed.
To his villain edit.
Basically
John gives a heartfelt five-second eulogy for Hugo and Tayla, who officially left after the last dinner party.
Tayla has returned to her goat in Tasmania, while Hugo is presumably enjoying being back around people who do not hate every fibre of his being.
"We ruined their year for TV ratings and we wish them well"
First on the couch are Alyssa and Duncan, and Alyssa is concerned that Duncan feels like he'll always be second best to her son.
Duncan says that's not true, and he is concerned that her expectations of constant reassurance and "check-ins" are too high.
She runs out of the room, saying she wants to leave.
Lyndall offers up a great assessment of what is going on for Alyssa, psychologically. So: we've got Ollie to replace John. Lyndall can be Mel. We just need someone to offer up a sex positive monologue and we've got ourselves a brand new, equally qualified expert panel!
Alyssa gets in a lift and Duncan simply stares as the doors shut like he is in an early 2000s rom-com.
GOD I LOVE A DRAMATIC ELEVATOR SCENE
He returns to the couch alone and Alessandra's like, 'seems a bit dramatic tbh'.
Duncan says he feels like he's walking on eggshells, right as Alyssa walks back in.
Bravo to production for that one!
"I would encourage you, Alyssa, not to use Duncan's description of his experience against him," Alessandra says.
Okay fine, she can stay. It can be Married At First Sight season 11, with experts Ollie, Lyndall and Alessandra.
Despite the theatrics, Alyssa and Duncan both write stay.
The experts warn Alyssa has been matched with a MAFS unicorn and should probably not self-sabotage something that is actually good, not just TV ratings-good.
"SHOW SOME RESPECT"
Next up are Tahnee and Ollie.
They are falling in love and Ollie says he's at a place in his career where he can move to Sydney to be with her and steal John's job.
They stay, obviously, as do Lyndall and Cam who are also doing well - and there is no Tayla to cut the camera to while Cam talks anymore!
OH.
NO.
The time has arrived to watch Bronte and Harrison, and probably also throw our TVs out the window.
Despite breaking up via a text message and being gaslit to high heaven, Bronte is still "falling" for Harrison.
U WOT M8?
Bronte then... blames herself for their chaotic week? For being emotional? For not communicating effectively?
U FKN WOT M8?
Harrison is smirking and ARE YOU SWEARING BECAUSE I AM SWEARINGGGGGGGG.
He "really rejects" the allegation that he is an emotional manipulator which is so funny because we've all just watched six full weeks of him emotionally manipulating.
Alessandra is too stunned to speak and Mel looks like she is cursing his entire family for generations.
But they remain disturbing quiet.
U FKN WOT M8???????????
Harrison says their relationship problems stem from Bronte being too emotional.
John's like 'ok but what about you?' and Harrison says NONE OF THIS IS HIS FAULT.
They both write stay which is honestly extremely predictable and boring.
WE ARE ALL SO TIRED
At this point, the rest of the group are ready to throw hands.
"I feel like I have something to say about this, as Bronte's confidante and person who has chased her out of several rooms in the last week," Lyndall begins.
OH SNAPPPP.
"I sit here and I have to be honest girl, I feel f***ing stupid. Bronte, you're being emotionally manipulated."
Bronte says that's not true because her feelings are real and actually, SHE DOESN'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH FOR HARRISON.
John says they are a controversial couple within the group and they both laugh because duh that is the point.
OKAY BUT THIS IS REALLY F***ING BAD.
I joke about the experts terrible work ethic a lot but THEM ALLOWING HARRISON TO ACT LIKE THIS WITHOUT CALLING HIM OUT IS GENUINELY DISTURBING.
Even if this is all a ruse for ratings/followers/discount codes, we just had zero interrogation of emotional manipulation allegations on the biggest reality show in the country. I know that isn't surprising because... well, MAFS, but what in the actual f***.
Maybe Ollie and Lyndall can just take over now!!!!!!
*cries at having to continue seeing these people four nights a week*
Evelyn and Rupert are our palate cleansers.
They are doing well because Rupert gives Evelyn a cheeky little bum slap every now and again and they have seen each other naked.
Melinda and Layton are second to last to talk through their week fighting crime Harrison.
Layton says he's more of an analytical thinker whereas Melinda is more emotional, which leads to conflict sometimes.
John stops to tell him he's being too analytical which is not a major revelation because THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT HE WAS JUST EXPLAINING.
They both write stay.
Because yes, they have a strong relationship foundation to continue building off, but someone also has to hold ol' walking, talking red flag accountable.
"Yeah if you guys could continue handling Harrison that'd be great"
Finally, it's time for Claire and Jesse.
OH I'M NERVOUS!!!!
Jesse says Harrison's comment about Claire only staying to repair her own image triggered him.
Very quick side note - did Jesse come dressed like The Rock on purpose?
Radical idea: let's outlaw turtlenecks!
ANYWAY SORRY.
Claire thinks Harrison was just deflecting from his own bullsh*t AND SHE'S RIGHT.
Harrison yells from the couch and Claire is like... no.
Harrison repeats what he says Bronte told him while Bronte sits there silently.
"But we don't know that it's true?" John asks.
WE COULD!!!!
BRONTE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE!!!!
LET'S ASK HER!!!!
...Or not.
Remember what I said about probably throwing our TVs during this episode? I'm just about there!
SIMPLY: WHY?
Harrison says he's always had Jesse's back, so let me directly quote the Harrison who just learned about the cheating scandal a few weeks ago: "I don't particularly like Jesse".
John asks if Jesse thinks they can turn this around, once again.
He smiles and the music gets all euphoric and THE RELIEF BEGINS TO CREEP IN AND THEN-
WHAT
THE
FUCK
He says no.
"I have stretched myself so much," he says.
"But Harrison's comments really brought back a lot of things that I had been pushing to the side about trust."
John says one comment from the world's biggest d**khead ruined their relationship and that makes him sad.
"It's unfortunate for all of us"
Jesse writes leave, obviously. Claire apologises for hurting him and thanks him for the good times, but also chooses to leave to avoid forcing him to stay in a situation he doesn't want to (again).
Jesse admits he would not have written leave if he hadn't attended the dinner party, to which John says there's a lesson here.
No, it's not that Harrison is The Worst. We already knew that!
It is that if you "throw grenades" they can have "untold damage".
JOHN.
BUDDY.
THAT IS LITERALLY THE POINT!!!!!!!
HE DID THIS ON PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND YOU THREE JUST SIT THERE EACH WEEK AND LET IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John thanks Claire and Jesse for being strangely wholesome, given the circumstances, and goes off to weep. Probably. Cause that's what I'm about to do.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
Feature image: Channel Nine.
Top Comments