I’m newly married — just three months in.
My now-husband and I have been together for a little over six years now. In that time, we’ve had a hell of a lot of happiness with the odd trial thrown in (grief, a breakup, watching loved ones going through cancer, close friends experiencing heartbreak and loss). But as far as this whole matrimony thing goes, we’re still new, still learning what it means to be individuals, together. Part of something that’s bigger than us. A family.
All around us are examples of what that can look like; relatives, friends colleagues that are in thriving long-term relationships, or have been part of one that’s come to a natural, necessary end. From all of them, it’s clear — even to a newbie — that it requires work and, often, a conscious effort to sustain a fulfilling partnership.
I’d just never really asked what that means, what that looks like from the inside. Not explicitly, anyway. So, here are six people — some known to me, some perfect strangers — sharing what they think it takes to make a happy, long-term relationship.
Jerry and Marea (pictured above). Married 67 years.
Gerald: “We’ve been married 67 years and rarely had an argument. Disagreements aplenty but arguments, no. We have always been able to see the other’s point of view, even though we may not agree with it. And we have always communicated on everything, so that any decision has always been mutual.
“I also can’t stress enough the importance of humour. In fact, a few months ago Marea was asked the secret of our happiness. Her answer: ‘Jerry does or says something every day to make me laugh.’
“Long time relationships can go two ways — you either grow to detest each other or you grow closer. Thankfully we’re the latter. Even now, each night we go to sleep holding hands.”
Kate and Pete. Married 24 years.
Kate: "I met my now husband when we were both 17 — we are now 50. It’s hard to believe how fast that time has gone. We married when we were 25 and had our first child when we were 30. We now have three, aged 14, 16 and 18.
"We are still very much in love despite real trauma and stress in our time together. Making each other happy is incredibly important, as happy parents make happy kids. Our relationship is very much like that. We both have a great sense of humour, and even when things have been really tough, we can still laugh together and appreciate each other.
"As corny as it sounds, we both appreciate and are grateful for what we have. I think this comes from us both having experienced tragedy in our lives. We also seem to have an understanding of how different our personalities are, and we each appreciate the way the other thinks. I’m the more compassionate, empathetic and intuitive one and he is the rational, sensible and ambitious one. Don’t get me wrong — we can definitely clash and argue at times, but underpinning our lives every day is the fact that we both feel loved unconditionally."
Alberto and Ross. Together 32 years.
Alberto: "Respect for each other's personal interests and life achievements — for example, career and other social contributions, like volunteering — is very important to us.
"Also, understanding that we will always be two individuals working towards a close, loving relationship, which is always a work in progress.
"A good sense of humour is essential, and no fighting — disagreements have to be worked out, rationally, through words.
"It's basically an ongoing dialogue between two imperfect individuals."
Trish and Nick. Married 26 years.
Trish: "Happy relationships are based on respect and great communication. You won’t always agree on things but you need to listen and acknowledge the other person’s opinion. I love the saying, 'if your mouth is open, you’re not listening.'
"We’ve both had periods of depression, which puts a real strain on a relationship. I don’t know how we got through sometimes, but counselling and medication helped. When the kids were little we learnt to work as a tag-team; one took care of the kids while the other had time out when things got crazy.
"My advice is: respect each other’s need for silence or time out; sit at the table for dinner every night — you might run out of things to say, but that’s OK; take communication or conflict resolution classes, because communicating effectively from the start will avoid poor habits developing; always say please and thank you — always; and forget big, expensive gestures. Use small acts of kindness often."
Denise and Craig. Married 35 years.
Denise: "My main piece of advice is to spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy, but also to give each other space to pursue individual interests and friendships.
"Don’t expect more from the relationship than you are prepared to put into it yourself.
"Also, listen to your partner... really listen! In my experience, men often hint at things involving feelings, rather than saying 'this is how I feel'. Read between the lines. And get into the habit from the beginning of calmly discussing any concerns as they arise — we've haven’t always done this, but it definitely makes life easier when we do."
Sienna and Michael. Married 14 years.
Sienna: "Start with a strong friendship base. Love is important but you also need to genuinely like the person who’ve chosen to partner with, as passion can wane over time.
"Have shared hobbies, but also spend time doing your own thing and maintain friendships with other people. It’s important to have a strong sense of self and not lose yourself in the relationship. No one person can be your ‘everything’.
"Trust and communication is key. Even after 15 or even 30 years together, never assume! The old adage ‘Never go to bed after an argument’ is also true. Talk, talk and talk some more until you’ve resolved your issues.
"Children add a new dimension to the relationship. Suddenly, everything is about the little person you’ve created, and while it can be challenging to focus on your relationship, it can be done! If there is little family support and a date night out is impossible, have date nights at home and try to make time to discuss each other’s day on a regular basis.
"Love is not what we see in the movies. It’s far more challenging and satisfying. The right relationship will lift both of you up. In the words of Michelle Obama ‘Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt’."
Top Comments
I agree with most of the advice and I've been living with my husband for nearly 30 years.
The only thing I don't agree with is "don't go to bed angry". I think it's part of respecting your own and each other's need for time and space when you're in a disagreement. My husband and I disagree sometimes, but very rarely argue. We both hold grudges and we don't forgive or forget anything said in anger. Consequently, when we disagree we listen and then walk away to think rather than just saying whatever hurtful nonsense that might win the argument.
The difference between a disagreement and an argument. An argument is:
1) more emotional
2) liable to going off-topic to include other irritations or historical disagreements,
3) includes name-calling and put-downs (ie verbal abuse), or guilt-tripping (emotional abuse), or acts of violence including proxy acts of violence like slapping things down on the bench, or isolating the partner by complaining about them to others or ignoring them (ie social abuse).
Trust and respect are the cornerstone of a happy relationship.
As a veteran of 51 years of marriage, we’ve survived so much trauma that it’s incredible we’re still together. My husband literally had a 180 degree personality change as we left the reception. He never again called me a pet name or touched me, except when we were having sex or dancing. He never once thanked me or paid me a compliment. To add to that, we had no honeymoon because he told me the night before the wedding that he’d spent the money on other stuff for him. Also, I was moving to another city, away from my friends and family. The only people I knew in that city were his parents and his sister and her husband. They always treated me well and were often appalled by the way my husband spoke to me.
Looking back now, I can’t believe I hung in there. He spent most of his non working day at the pub. At one stage, for several months, he’d finish work at 5pm, go to the pub across the road with his workmates and never arrive home before 1am. That was before the DUI laws became stricter.
We found out we were unable to have our own children six years into the marriage because he just wasn’t all that interested and refused to undergo testing. I had a lot of problems in that area but could probably still have been able to have one child with a lot of medical assistance. In the event, he was found to be infertile as well, not sterile, and I did manage to fall pregnant several times all of which ended in miscarriage. They were never spoken about. I’ve also suffered chronic ill health for almost the entirety of our marriage but I worked until I was 66 and almost never asked my husband for help no matter how bad I felt.
Because of the amount of money spent on alcohol (I very rarely drink) and boy’s toys, we were chronically short of money, even though we both worked full time in good jobs, and I rarely bought anything for myself.
I know the vast majority of readers won’t believe this story but every word’s true. I had serious self esteem issues as a young person and I was desperate to get married to prove to myself and the world that I was attractive enough to get a man. That was the aim of most women in the post war years. I was a seriously naive 22 year old and, even though my parents had a brilliant marriage, it didn’t seem to occur to me that I deserved the same.
I never left in the early years because I was convinced I couldn’t cope on my own, and after we adopted our son, I would never have left because I wanted him to have two parents and my husband was, and still is, a great father. I immersed myself in my work which I loved, and our son, and managed to live a reasonably happy life.
Fast forward many years and my husband was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication. We occasionally speak of how cruel he was and he now realises what an arsehole he was. He’s given up drinking and spends his time being a brilliant husband, father and grandfather. I’m more disabled now and he’s a wonderful carer, physically and emotionally. We’re so happy now and I really believe those awful years were worth going through to have what we have now.
The things that got me through were a single minded commitment and a sense of humour. Also, there really are just times when you have to put others’ needs before your own and pick your battles. A truly happy and successful marriage is the greatest thing of all and it’s worth the sacrifices.