I’m newly married — just three months in.
My now-husband and I have been together for a little over six years now. In that time, we’ve had a hell of a lot of happiness with the odd trial thrown in (grief, a breakup, watching loved ones going through cancer, close friends experiencing heartbreak and loss). But as far as this whole matrimony thing goes, we’re still new, still learning what it means to be individuals, together. Part of something that’s bigger than us. A family.
All around us are examples of what that can look like; relatives, friends colleagues that are in thriving long-term relationships, or have been part of one that’s come to a natural, necessary end. From all of them, it’s clear — even to a newbie — that it requires work and, often, a conscious effort to sustain a fulfilling partnership.
I’d just never really asked what that means, what that looks like from the inside. Not explicitly, anyway. So, here are six people — some known to me, some perfect strangers — sharing what they think it takes to make a happy, long-term relationship.
Jerry and Marea (pictured above). Married 67 years.
Gerald: “We’ve been married 67 years and rarely had an argument. Disagreements aplenty but arguments, no. We have always been able to see the other’s point of view, even though we may not agree with it. And we have always communicated on everything, so that any decision has always been mutual.
Top Comments
I agree with most of the advice and I've been living with my husband for nearly 30 years.
The only thing I don't agree with is "don't go to bed angry". I think it's part of respecting your own and each other's need for time and space when you're in a disagreement. My husband and I disagree sometimes, but very rarely argue. We both hold grudges and we don't forgive or forget anything said in anger. Consequently, when we disagree we listen and then walk away to think rather than just saying whatever hurtful nonsense that might win the argument.
The difference between a disagreement and an argument. An argument is:
1) more emotional
2) liable to going off-topic to include other irritations or historical disagreements,
3) includes name-calling and put-downs (ie verbal abuse), or guilt-tripping (emotional abuse), or acts of violence including proxy acts of violence like slapping things down on the bench, or isolating the partner by complaining about them to others or ignoring them (ie social abuse).
Trust and respect are the cornerstone of a happy relationship.
As a veteran of 51 years of marriage, we’ve survived so much trauma that it’s incredible we’re still together. My husband literally had a 180 degree personality change as we left the reception. He never again called me a pet name or touched me, except when we were having sex or dancing. He never once thanked me or paid me a compliment. To add to that, we had no honeymoon because he told me the night before the wedding that he’d spent the money on other stuff for him. Also, I was moving to another city, away from my friends and family. The only people I knew in that city were his parents and his sister and her husband. They always treated me well and were often appalled by the way my husband spoke to me.
Looking back now, I can’t believe I hung in there. He spent most of his non working day at the pub. At one stage, for several months, he’d finish work at 5pm, go to the pub across the road with his workmates and never arrive home before 1am. That was before the DUI laws became stricter.
We found out we were unable to have our own children six years into the marriage because he just wasn’t all that interested and refused to undergo testing. I had a lot of problems in that area but could probably still have been able to have one child with a lot of medical assistance. In the event, he was found to be infertile as well, not sterile, and I did manage to fall pregnant several times all of which ended in miscarriage. They were never spoken about. I’ve also suffered chronic ill health for almost the entirety of our marriage but I worked until I was 66 and almost never asked my husband for help no matter how bad I felt.
Because of the amount of money spent on alcohol (I very rarely drink) and boy’s toys, we were chronically short of money, even though we both worked full time in good jobs, and I rarely bought anything for myself.
I know the vast majority of readers won’t believe this story but every word’s true. I had serious self esteem issues as a young person and I was desperate to get married to prove to myself and the world that I was attractive enough to get a man. That was the aim of most women in the post war years. I was a seriously naive 22 year old and, even though my parents had a brilliant marriage, it didn’t seem to occur to me that I deserved the same.
I never left in the early years because I was convinced I couldn’t cope on my own, and after we adopted our son, I would never have left because I wanted him to have two parents and my husband was, and still is, a great father. I immersed myself in my work which I loved, and our son, and managed to live a reasonably happy life.
Fast forward many years and my husband was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication. We occasionally speak of how cruel he was and he now realises what an arsehole he was. He’s given up drinking and spends his time being a brilliant husband, father and grandfather. I’m more disabled now and he’s a wonderful carer, physically and emotionally. We’re so happy now and I really believe those awful years were worth going through to have what we have now.
The things that got me through were a single minded commitment and a sense of humour. Also, there really are just times when you have to put others’ needs before your own and pick your battles. A truly happy and successful marriage is the greatest thing of all and it’s worth the sacrifices.