DIVORCE DIARIES: 'Why are all my friends pretending to be happily married?'

As soon as I separated from my husband and moved out, a number of my girlfriends started confessing to me how much they would love to do as I have: split from their husband and start a new life on their own. 

These are friends who put on a convincing social front they are happily married. But since I became public about my separation, many of them have confided in me how truthfully unhappy they actually are and how they've spent years basically separated, living in separate bedrooms, socialising separately, remaining sexless, and barely speaking unless it's about the children. 

One friend said she was in a "silent divorce". 

It feels like a heavy burden to hold their confessions and I'm not sure what to advise, while also feeling sorry and sad for their situation but also frustrated for putting on such a fake front. I know it can be complicated, so for my friends who can't leave as I have, what are some things I can say to them when they talk to me about this?

First, it must be said, just because they see the path you've taken and they assume the grass is greener on your side of the fence, this does not obligate you to be advisor, counsellor, role model or advocate for them. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, unsettled, awkward, frustrated, tired or out of your depth to advise or support them: opt out. Refer them to someone else! Another friend, a support group, a counsellor, therapist or even lawyer.

Divorce strikes every relationship and family differently. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to managing relationships and endings. You can be supportive and educative but you don't need to try to give them a road map because you have walked the path they’re looking at. Their situation is almost certainly going to be different to yours.

Watch: Relationship red flags. Post continues after video.

It is no easy road to separate; it can be one of life's most difficult experiences. 

To those who have confided in you, you are in an obviously enviable position. You are living an authentic life. To those who are in secretly unhappy relationships, living in perpetual tension with their public facade, the wish to be authentic and free like you is very enticing. But if they feel it's out of reach for them right now, their next best step might be expressing this wish to you, if it feels safe to do so. They might not be as practically ready as they verbally share. After all, there are reasons they haven't left — yet. You might think about just being their safe space to confide in, and then refer them to professional support, especially if you hear about any concerning, controlling or abusive behaviours.

There are many couples who maintain a 'silent divorce', which is a state of being in a relationship by all external perceptions but really living emotionally and sexually separated long before making it official, such as declaring to be separated but living under one roof, which is a split.

A silent divorce is quieter, without the tacit acknowledgement that they are separated or hurling towards its inevitability. Silent divorce is the secreted epidemic of unhappy relationship partners, and is far more common than many think. "Never judge a book by its cover" is an apt cliche for those in a silent divorce scenario. 

The 'silent divorce' your friend referenced means a marriage where the emotional connection between partners has dissolved, and they're living more like roommates than lovers. It's not simply a sexless marriage, it's devoid of intimacy. It's a heartbreaking situation that can leave one feeling lost, alone and uncertain about the future.

If you find yourself leaning towards engaging with the friends who comment or confide in you, then consider these pieces of advice that might help and would be what professionals might suggest:

1. Prioritise self-care. 

When your emotional world is in turmoil, it's crucial to nourish your mind, body and soul. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Self-care isn't selfish; it's absolutely essential for your wellbeing, and when people are unhappy they ironically often turn away from the very care they need for themselves.

2. Seek counselling. 

You don't have to recommend yours or whatever service you may have used — that's up to you. But speaking with a therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions, gain perspective, and develop coping strategies, as well as a plan for your future. Don't hesitate to seek professional help; it can make a world of difference. You might add how it helped you, especially if they are resistant to asking for help from a professional.

3. Lean on your support system. 

Tell them how much surrounding themselves with loved ones who can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that you're not alone is so vital. Remind them to reach out to others — and not just you. Whether it's a best friend, sister, or a support group, having a strong and truly genuine network can be invaluable during this time. If they really are considering separation or just need to vent about their difficult relationship situation, tell them they will need a circle of support and not just one person (it can get heavy for just one ally).

Listen: The Mid Life Dating Pool Has Wee In It. Post continues after podcast.

4. Be honest with themselves.

They aren't you and they shouldn't assume divorce is their answer because it was yours. Tell them to take time for self-reflection and ask tough questions about their needs, boundaries, and the future of their unique marriage. Are they willing to work on reconciliation, have they already? Is it the right time now to consider separation or divorce? Honesty with themselves and self-awareness are crucial. This is not  to say they aren't very right to want to leave when they've seen you go before them and successfully do it. But they need to honestly reflect first. Suggest steps that you may or may not have taken, but will help them consider their own situation: have they tried couples counselling? How is their communication with their partner? How will their partner react? What hurdles and impacts would they face?

5. Consider exploring legal options. 

If the marriage is beyond repair, and they really are as ready as they've shared with you, consulting with a lawyer can help them understand their rights and the legal process, especially if they have children to share and property to divide. Knowledge is power. Plus, going on a fact finding mission may help them to consider their options and think about their situation and not yours.

6. Be real with them. 

Don't sugar coat things, but there's no reason to be all doom and gloom either. Be neutral but supportive and share with them that they can focus on personal growth. This challenging or confusing time can also be an opportunity for self-discovery, whether they change their marital status or not. Explore new hobbies, learn a new skill, or rediscover old passions that may have taken a backseat during the marriage. Don't just accept loneliness and unhappiness.

7. Remind them the decision is theirs. 

They need and deserve support, but ultimately it's their call to make about their own life, health and happiness. Draw a clear boundary so that they understand their experience won’t (or may not be) be like yours and that they shouldn't assume it will be. 

Finally, validate that a silent divorce is unhappy and that your friend deserves better. Living pretending otherwise to the world has got to feel hard, too. Your friend is brave for sharing her truth with you and you can be there as part of her support circle. She may feel alone in her marriage and home, but she is not alone when she's authentic and asking for help and friendship. There are friends, support groups, professionals and pathways all for her to receive support and advice. She doesn't have to be stuck in silence and secrets. The invitation to live and love happily and authentically is there for her.

Feature Image: Canva.