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Finding a life partner is undoubtedly a lot of work.
If life came with an instruction manual with all the advice on a surefire way to pick the person we want to spend the rest of our days with, then living would be just... a whole lot simpler.
The bad news is that this said instruction manual does not exist. The good news is there are some who have still managed to crack the code.
Watch: Relationship red flags. Post continues after video.
Enter: Sexologist, therapist and founder of The Orgasmic Mama, Tamica Wilder.
With over a decade of experience in coaching, group work and facilitation, Wilder has advice on how relationships for women – and especially mothers – can work.
Here are the 10 things she believes every woman should know before they pick a life partner:
1. Firstly, understand there is not just one person for everybody.
In terms of finding a life partner, Wilder wants to make it clear that the term life partner, soul mate, or twin flame, equally have good and bad aspects to them.
"I don't believe that there is just one person for everybody," she tells Mamamia. "But there's definitely one person that you can grow and evolve with. There's somebody who's going to help your life, thrive and improve the person that you are. And you will do the same for them."
Wilder adds: "Does it mean you're going to be together forever and ever and ever? Possibly not. But you could be and I think that's the person you're looking for... The person you could actually see yourself growing, evolving, thriving, and yet deepening your life experience with."
Of course, relationships can be lifelong, but they can also be fleeting, Wilder says. However, that doesn't mean they can't be as equally impactful.
"Relationships are an evolutionary process and they really do help us evolve and change," the sexologist explains. "So someone that can help you be the best version of yourself is what I would call a life partner."
2. Look out for "extreme" behaviour.
Apart from letting go of the notion that a partner has to stick around for "life" to be meaningful, Wilder also advises women to look out for behaviour that "feels extreme".
"I always encourage people to look for anything that feels extreme," she tells Mamamia. "It's really common and normal to experience what's called 'New Relationship Energy' – but anything that's really overbearing or overpowering is a red flag."
Wilder went on to explain that receiving lots of gifts and text messages are signs that a partner is exhibiting "extreme" behaviour.
Someone who also says "I love you" frequently and quite quickly into a relationship could also be signs of an overbearing nature or someone with a need or desire to control you, says Wilder.
3. Is there a balance?
When testing the waters with someone you believe could be a "life partner", Wilder advises women to seek out "balance".
Anything that takes time away from your own life and independence could be a sign that you are losing that balance in your relationship, the sexologist explains.
"Wanting to spend absolutely every second with you straight away, or shower you with lots of gifts, money, texts and 'I love you' messages can [knock things] out of balance," Wilder explains.
To avoid moving into codependence, she advises women to ask themselves: "Who's going to really be in harmony with the life that you already have? Because this is going to go a long way in ensuring that you keep your independence and your sense of self.
4. What are their overall values?
When choosing a life partner, Wilder advises women to look at overall values – arguably more than individual behaviours.
She tells Mamamia it is key to make sure the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with shares at least some of the same values as you.
"Liking one another, or feeling like you're attracted to one another is enough in the beginning... But as you start actually moving through the real intricacies of your life, you want to make sure that you're aligned. You want to make sure you share the same visions and the same mission," she explains.
Some questions Wilder encourages women to discuss with their potential life partner include:
- "How do you want to parent? Do you know if you even want to have kids?"
- "Where do you see yourself living?"
- "How do the finances in your family work?"
Eventually, says Wilder, when you ask enough questions that surround your values, you'll be able to see if there is a "deep alignment" or if it is just a "surface level attraction".
If your attraction is surface-level, then it might mean you need to move forward in your life... without them.
5. What is your gut saying?
Wilder thinks far too many people simply do not accept what their body is telling them.
"It can be really easy to say about a person, 'they're really hot and they're pretty great. They're a decent six out of 10. I can live with that'," she explains.
"What I really, really encourage women to do is to feel their body and ask themselves what they really feel around this person. And ask themselves what their gut is saying."
"It's really important to keep your self-interest at the top of your priority list. We all know that really deep gut feeling that we have or that knowing about a person. But sometimes scarcity makes us override that feeling. And what I encourage people to do is stick with that gut feeling."
6. Do they want to avoid your friends or family?
A pretty well-known red flag people are aware of already is looking out for partners who set out to isolate you from your loved ones and Wilder believes it is something that women need to pick up from the moment it begins happening.
"You want someone who is willing to show up to your friend's daughter's second birthday party and someone who is willing to come and shake hands with dad over dinner," she tells Mamamia. "You want someone who can saddle up next to you during those types of events."
While this type of behaviour isn't something that needs to happen all the time, Wilder says those who "constantly avoid" hanging out with your people are a "big red flag".
7. Are you both interested in how you can please each other?
"When it comes to sexuality and your pleasure and how you feel in your body, it's super important that your safety is a priority for them and a priority for you," says Wilder.
The sexologist recommends avoiding behaviours and habits that aren't helpful like extreme emotions that are either really hot or really cold.
"You want to avoid those types of things and go back to what feels the safest in your body," she explains. "Also, it's important to align in terms of the type of sexual interactions you enjoy having. You need to both be really curious and interested in how you can please one another."
Wilder says it's essential to make one another feel safe, saying: "If you're someone that feels really connected to your pleasure and embodiment and your orgasm, you want that to be front and centre in your experiences with them."
8. Is your sexual safety a priority?
Wilder says there are five considerations every woman should make in order to have the best sex of their life (even if their sexual partner isn't a life partner).
- Does this person help you prioritise your pleasure?
- Do you feel connected to your body and safe in their presence?
- Are you feeling excited and open to trying new things?
- Are you able to honestly express yourself and communicate confidently?
- Can you have a laugh and play together?
"These are some of the most important ingredients that will take your sexual connection to the next level," says Wilder.
9. What are your non-negotiables?
Wilder encourages every woman to decide what their top five non-negotiables when it comes to what they want out of their intimate and personal relationships.
Whether it's wanting someone to support your career, someone who wants to have kids, or someone who wants to travel – getting these questions answered just means we get closer to the person we are looking for.
10. Is this a person you can grow and evolve with?
Nothing in life is certain, but having someone you can grow and evolve with is an important quality for a potential life partner to have.
"Relationships shouldn't be stagnant," says Wilder. "The only thing that’s for certain is that life will twist and turn and change – so asking yourself about the kind of person you can see yourself being adaptable and agile with is a really great idea."
Tamica Wilder is a sex coach and multi-qualified therapist with over a decade of group work, facilitation and coaching experience. And she will be at Sexpo this year! Tickets for Australia's leading sexuality and lifestyle Expo, SEXPOAUSTRALIA is out now.
Find out more on their website here.
Feature Image: Mamamia.
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