At age 26 I decided I was not a girl boss — nor did I want to be. I know, in the era of 'boss babes', 'hustle culture', and 'work hard play hard', how could this be? Well, I simply burnt out. Burnout is when you're mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, and is usually work-related. And let me tell you, 26 is too young to be burnt out.
I got my first marketing job at 25. I was ecstatic. After seeing my friends kick start their careers while I was working casual jobs, I finally felt like a little corporate queen working in central Sydney, getting my coffee at the local coffee shop and click-clacking away at my keyboard. However, those at the top put a lot of worth on output rather than outcome. People were rewarded for the amount of work they did rather than the quality of the work. The goal was always more. More hours, more sales, more content.
Watch: If you're struggling to cope, here are some things you can do. Post continues after video.
As a naturally hard worker and people pleaser (and being influenced by seeing my successful friends buying designer things and travelling to expensive destinations on social media), I kept my head down and got to work. Soon, my 9-5 corporate girl dream turned into an 8:30-5:30 anxiety-fuelled nightmare. I would get home at 7pm and have no energy to cook or clean, and by the time I sorted myself out, it was bedtime, only to wake up at 6am and do it all again.
Experiencing burnout is basically you gaslighting yourself to keep working. I was constantly exhausted, but if I relaxed for too long, I became anxious that I was falling behind; I wasn't doing enough; I had errands to run and emails to send. I couldn't even rest or enjoy my time in bed. I had become a shell of a human. I would come home from work and cry. I woke up every day anxious to go into the office. During the weekends, I went grocery shopping and slept. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped doing things I loved. But, I felt like I had to keep going. I had to keep pushing. Everyone else is doing it, why can't I?
You know the saying "follow your gut"? It's because your body shows you signs that something isn't right long before your brain can comprehend it, and that's exactly what happened to me. Three months in, I caught RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus). I worked from home during this period because I had used all my sick leave on mental health days. Two weeks later, I was still unwell, but I couldn't work from home any longer, so I went back into the office.
As I entered my third week of sickness, I developed a horrible cough. The doctor checked my vitals and told me my RSV has developed into bronchitis. There I was, with my codeine and antibiotics in one hand, and my medical certificate in the other. I finally had a good enough reason to stay home.
Three weeks of bronchitis went by and I felt a sharp pain in my ribs, that even the weight of a blanket was excruciating. And what do you know, my RSV-turned-Bronchitis had now developed into pleurisy.
Even though I was severely unwell, I still had this pressure to work. I was running a rat race, seeking validation from people who would never give it to me. Management started questioning my work ethic and passion for the role. To them, me not working (unpaid) overtime, meant I wasn't taking my job seriously.
My half-yearly review came around, along with my resignation.
Instantly I felt lighter. The weight on my shoulders, that felt almost unbearable, finally lifted. A wave of emotions rushed through me, and I cried. I cried with relief. I cried with sadness that I had put myself through this just to prove something to management and social media. I had no plan for the future, no job lined up, I didn't know how I was going to pay rent, but I didn't care.
Listen to Fill My Cup and learn the three changes you need to make when you're burnout. Post continues below.
The next three months I spent finding myself again. I started exercising again. I tried my hand at cake decorating. I travelled overseas. I stopped comparing myself to my friends on social media with their fancy dinners and designer handbags, and I began to notice that they weren't one step ahead of me, they were in the exact same spot, they just dealt with it differently. I reconnected with loved ones. I started applying for jobs and being very clear about my expectations and my work ethic. Most importantly, I laid in bed and I enjoyed it.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.
Feature Image: Getty.
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