It’s been six years. From the moment my firstborn arrived, my body has been covered in front of my husband. I’m confident, but not with my husband.
It creates this awkwardness between us but I’m afraid. I’m afraid he will see me and run away. I’m afraid he will be disgusted and be turned off. I’m afraid everything he thought I was would disappear.
I know it hurts him and although I feel like I’m accepting my body more and more every day, I’m afraid he won’t accept it.
It’s not him though, it’s me. He tells me all the time he doesn’t care but what if it’s different when he actually sees me? All of me? My saggy tummy, my stretch marks, my cellulite, my rolls. I’m not the girl I was when we first met, in fact I’m not a girl at all, I’m a woman. A woman who lost herself when she became a mother. Her identity. Her sparkle. Her once toned physique.
I’m afraid of letting my guard down. I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable.
We only have sex in the dark, if it’s during the day my clothes are on. We never shower together. I never get dressed in front of him. I won’t even swim in front of him. I won’t even let him see the images of me on Instagram. It’s more than just sexual, it’s everyday life. It hurts me that I feel this way.
I hate him touching my stomach, even brushing against my stomach makes me anxious.
I hate that I got like this. I hate that the cruel world we live in has given me false ideas and even though deep down he sees through all of my flaws, my fears and my anxiety take over.
I’m a confident woman, just not with him and it hurts him. I know it does And I’m sorry.
I know this feeling is too common.
As a woman.
As a mother.
As we age.
As gravity takes over.
As the wrinkles begin to cover our skin.
As the relationship settles in and the honeymoon fades.
Sidenote: Rebecca Sparrow answers your questions about how to not hate your body. Post continues after podcast.
Our bodies go through so much. Especially having children. I never thought I would be 25kgs heavier after children. The physical changes and mental changes start blending into one.
The fear is real and it’s scary.
But I don’t want to feel this way forever.
He deserves me. All of me.
Just give me time.
One day you will get all of me.
This post originally appeared on House of Hoods and was republished here with full permission. You can follow Jessica on Instagram @houseofhoods_
Feature Image: Instagram/ @houseofhoods_