HOLLY WAINWRIGHT: 'I'm trying to make a new friend. But I keep calling her fat.'

I want to make a new friend. 

I’ve known her a long time, but she’s been a bit off with me, lately. 

She thinks I think she’s fat. And old. 

Too wrinkly, too dimply, too rough where she should be smooth. 

She thinks I think she’s slow and lumpy. She thinks I think she’s betrayed me. Disappointed me. Let me down. 

I think she thinks I hate her. 

Why would she think that? What reason have I given her? 

Well, to be fair, I’ve been telling her that for decades.

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Using words, like that F one, that I wouldn’t dream of saying in front of my daughter, my best friend, anyone I loved.

Berating her for being "greedy", or "lazy", for being too much or not enough. 

Telling her I’m embarrassed to be seen with her. Especially when she’s wearing that. Who does she think she is?

I’ve done all that to her. She’s still here. 

And the thing is, I’ve done all that to her despite the remarkable things she’s given me. 

The places she’s taken me, the pleasures we’ve shared. The tastes and sensations, the trembles and butterflies and rolling laughs.

The miraculous way she created the most important and profound joys of my life. The way she’s come back from adversity, and recovered from pain and sickness. 

She did all that. For me. And mostly I just tell her she’s sh*t. 

Is it too late to change?

I hope not. 

I’m sick of the battle, the petty picking and the shaming. I’m sick of depriving her, or indulging her, on my whim, and being shocked and angry when she reacts.

The thing is. Telling her I want to be friends sounds empty after everything we’ve been through. Meaningless. 

She won’t believe me if I tell her she’s beautiful. It isn’t what she needs to hear. Or what she wants. 

Telling her I love her won’t change a thing.

What she wants, now, deep in our second act, is respect. 

I wonder. Body. Can we get there, together?

This is the introduction to the latest episode of the podcast MID, conversations for Gen X women who are anything but. Listen to it below. 

Feature image: Holly Wainwright (@wainwrightholly) Instagram.