Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.

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All the weddings are over and I for one, am glad. My brain simply does not have the capacity for another blonde woman named Mel.

We begin with people kissing, declarations of love, and further Singapore Tourism sponsored footage.

Remember that time Josh lied about having sex with his fake wife, Freak in the Sheets Mel?

YEAH WELL.

It's time for more sex chat.

Mel starts with "I'm quite a private person myself" and we know about her pre-show weekend f***boys, so I just don't quite know if that's true. 

She and Josh lay out their differing opinions on discussing intimacy, and Josh agrees to push himself to be more honest about it while still keeping some things to himself.

It's a great lesson in compromise, and I am here for it. 

But if he follows Mel's lead and starts talking about 'Thor's hammer', I'm tapping out.

So mad at myself for this

The honeymoons are over, which means IT'S DINNER PARTY TIME.

AND DINNER PARTIES EQUAL FIGHTS.

FRIENDS. 

I AM DISGUSTED BY HOW EXCITED I AM.

John Aiken says it's the first opportunity for the couples to open themselves up to outside influence, as if that is a positive thing, and I adore how he can do all of this with a straight face. He might just be the greatest actor of our generation.

"And by bond, I mean throw table wear at each other"

We're off to a flying start: Bronte and Harrison have not been talking, because of that time Harrison said he wasn't sexually attracted to his fake wife only after they had bad sex.

Yup, that'd do it.

They've decided to call a truce and have each other's backs at the dinner party so I can't wait to see that crumble.

And Claire, bless her soul, is meeting with Mr Ick himself, Jesse, ahead of time to try and smooth out there... clusterf*** of a fake marriage.

He says sorry her mocking her interest in star signs and it feels like the absolute bare minimum given we watched him degrade her entire personality across multiple episodes. Then he says the reason he has not reached out to PROACTIVELY apologise for being an absolute d*ckhead is because he "does not chase girls".

MATE.

YOU ARE FAKE MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN.

IT'S NOT CHASING WHEN YOU WILLINGLY SIGN UP TO AN 'EXPERIMENT' THAT MATCHES YOU WITH A (FAKE) WIFE?!?!?!?

Claire says it's more about being a grown arse man taking accountability for his actions! And she's right! But this grown arse man has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old!

No joke I could make would ever be as scathing as Claire's assertion that she "sure as shit don't need that kid up there".

She's still decided turn up to the dinner party, alone but being her best self, because she "does not hate the guy", which is truly a feat at this point.

Lyndall and Cameron turn up first and the experts are very pleased with themselves. Even a broken clock is right twice a day and all that.

Bronte and Harrison turn up next, and Mel points out that Bronte very quickly runs from him into Lyndall's arms. They ponder why that could be and perhaps it is because they matched her with an AI generated red flag of a man.

Bronte relays her wedding drama and the experts' reactions are the funniest things I have ever seen IN MY LIFE.

John groans "not already" and yes, it is an absolute masterclass in acting.

I see Oscars in their futures

As everyone shuffles in, Cameron opens up to the men about Lyndall's cystic fibrosis, and the anxiety that brought up considering his friend's partner died from it. 

The men are supportive and look. I don't mean to praise dudes for being just decent, but it is undeniably wholesome. I'm a sucker for genuine, open and supportive displays of male friendship and we don't see enough of it.

Everyone's conversation organically turns to speculation about someone walking in alone, just as Claire walks in alone. How serendipitous.

Claire catches the women up, and we as a country need to thank Bronte. For her incredibly expressive face.

I feel this on a deeply spiritual level

Everyone anticipates Jesse's entrance, and he worries that everyone thinks he's a jerk. It could've been avoided if he was just not a jerk, but alas.

The man has done such a number on Claire that she is concerned that even delivering him a beer makes her look desperate, rather than just kind and mature. 

Lyndall wonders if they would like a minute to chat, to which Jesse replies "nah, we're good".

But they are not good. Like. Fundamentally. Not good.

It's screaming "not good", in fact

Jesse says he is not mentally equipped to deal with the onslaught of bullsh*t that he anticipates he will receive and that's unfortunate considering he is the architect of all the bullsh*t he is about to receive.

He sees Claire telling others about their issues as her trying to amass teammates. It is really going to sting when he realises ALL OF US WATCHING THIS SHOW ARE CLAIRE'S TEAMMATES AT THIS POINT.

Sitting across the table, Harrison asks Jesse how things are going. 

It's a brilliant power play from one red flag to another, where Harrison knows he's going to come out looking like a glowing fake husband in comparison. The skill is honestly kinda impressive, in a terrifying way.

"Bronte, don't throw the poor guy under the bus," he says with zero conviction.

"I'm sooooo sorry for bringing it up man, that's totally my bad"

Claire tells the table that Jesse seems to not like her as a person on account of her being a strong, confident woman who speaks.

Jesse recounts the time he shushed her at the airport before their honeymoon, but gets distracted by his newly found distaste for another talking woman: Bronte.

"I would rather have a date with my toaster in the bathtub than listen to her speak," he says.

You know what time it is?! Yes! Accidentally timeless episode one meme, come through!

"Women's voices are such an ick"

Everyone else is having a great time and, in bad news for Jesse, talking. Even the women.

Porsche driving CEO Mel is apprehensive about having a conversation with Freak in the Sheets Mel, but it turns out Freak in the Sheets Mel has some very sage advice to offer Porsche driving CEO Mel about being open to intimacy.

And then Harrison, emboldened by not currently being the worst dude at the table, offers to recount his mess of a wedding.

He starts off strong: He had an incredible day, Bronte is beautiful, etc.

And then they get to Bronte's friend Jess, who told her about the woman who was supposedly 'waiting' for Harrison on the outside and in turn gave us the MAFS x Bachelor drama we have always dreamed of.

Harrison says thinking about it gets him emotional, without an ounce of emotion in his voice, and Porsche driving CEO Mel smells a goddamn rat.

She interrogates Harrison's story and he responds in a really level-headed and mature way.

Lol jk he's flailing. 

"Should I just stop living my life because I'm coming on a show?" he asks.

OH BOY. HE'S FLOWN TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN.

"We're here because we can't find someone but you found someone a week before the show," Mel counters and GIRL, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE SUITCASE PACKING PHOTO.

Harrison tries to deflect by saying HE has issues and doubts about Bronte too.

OMG! Turns out I accidentally created multiple timeless memes! 

Should we see how many recaps this one makes it into? What a fun lil game!

Caitlin and Tahnee whisk Bronte away, as Harrison continues to act hard done by for his fake wife being confused at the fact he had another woman possibly waiting for him on the outside.

The experts are dumbfounded that the obviously toxic man they selected for the show is GASP! Being toxic!

"I spent MINUTES thinking about this match, where did it all go wrong?"

Caitlin, who I am in a one-sided friendship with, reads him for FILTH and it is GLORIOUS.

"This seems like really manipulative, gas-lighting behaviour," she says.

The experts say they have to hold Harrison accountable and I vote we let Caitlin do that instead. Because the gal GETS IT.

Harrison whines to the men about being hard done by, and Bronte... just cries. Again.

Ahhhh, a first dinner party for the books.

See you tomorrow!

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.

Feature Image: Channel Nine.

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