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IT’S THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY and if you even try to speak to us while this masterpiece is being televised, we will call the police.
We open on David reliving the trauma of the dinner party, but it seems Hayley remembers things a lil’ differently.
“I got him to crack a smile,” she tells the camera proudly.
“We had a kiss. It wasn’t like a romantic kiss,” she says, and yes, that’s the thing about nonconsensual intimacy. It tends to lack… romance. But according to Hayley, she and David had really good ‘banta,’ like when she demanded he carry her and he said no, mostly because he didn’t want to.
Speaking of 'banta' Aleks is mad at Evarn ever since Hayley called him a f****** c*** at the dinner party, and look. There are a lot of things we blame Evarn for. Not being able to pronounce his own name, for example. And telling his mother to "stop acting" when he brought a camera crew into the family home. But we feel like it's not Evarn's fault that Hayley cracked it at him. She was feeling sensitive ever since the producers gave her a formal warning for attempting to have sex with her (estranged) husband during dinner service.
Watch: The Experts - Uncut. Post continues after video.
The contestants have arrived at the commitment ceremony and Hayley keeps shouting "I'M SUCH A GOOD EGG" while announcing that "No one puts Hayley in a corna" and that's just a line from Dirty Dancing but okay.
It's at this point we need to acknowledge that the dress code for the commitment ceremony is far to0 formal for a (fake) couples counselling session with (fake) experts about your (fake) marriage. Everyone's getting dressed up because they're going to be on the TV but you're always on TV now do you understand.
The first couple on the couch are Cathy and Josh who appear to like each other which is boring for us and Australia at large.
Trish immediately asks whether they've had sex and omg sweetie you can't just ask grown adults whether or not they've touched each other's genitals it's really inappropriate.
SHHH it's Amanda and Tash's turn, and the experts are deeply uncomfortable because they went to the effort of matching two people with the same sexuality so can't understand why it's not... working??
Amanda explains that just 24 hours after meeting, Tash said she wasn't feeling any sexual chemistry and it's awkward because Trish had one job and yet again, she failed.
Confused, John does something he's seen psychologists do on TV, and asks Amanda, "how did that make you feel?"
Amanda explains that she hasn't had any intimacy with Tash, and if it were up to her, they "would have slept together by now" and pause.
Can SOMEBODY. In this ROOM. Please explain to AMANDA. That that's not how SEX WORKS. Even within the parameters of a FAKE RELATIONSHIP.
Can SOMEONE (maybe a qualified psychologist) provide an OUTLINE of the basics of CONSENT that might actually be USEFUL to this roomful of ADULTS who don't seem to understand how to INTERPRET the word 'NO'.
But alas, the three relationship experts nod sympathetically, and tell Amanda to look Tash in the eye and communicate exactly what she'd like from her this week.
We. All. Know. What. Amanda. Wants. It's. Just. That. Tash. Isn't. Into. It.
Ultimately, they both choose to stay, not that it would have mattered if Tash said leave, and this is why participants are getting confused about the basics of consent do you see.
Next up is Michael and Stacey and Trish cannot even contain her excitement so shouts "YOU HAD SEX YET OR NO" and mate you need to calm down.
But then Vanessa and Chris sit on the couch and we don't know who you are but really nice to meet you.
Everyone stays, and then the experts call on Poppy and Luke who are having problems. Namely, Poppy won't stop crying which is hindering their ability to... do activities. And communicate. Verbally.
Ultimately, they decide to stay. Luke says, "I put my last bet on these three," referring to the experts and sir. Listen to us very carefully. Withdraw your bet immediately. It was hasty and irresponsible. You will lose every cent you've ever made.
A number of other couples have their allocated four minutes with the experts but we don't have the time nor the patience to...
SHUT UP IT'S DAVID AND HAYLEY AND SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HIT SOMEONE.
David explains that he's not super stoked to be matched with, and we quote, 'a recovering drug addict who's a smoker' and excuse us for a moment.
- Hayley is a recovered drug addict and we're pretty sure that implying someone has a current drug problem on national television is defamation???? And
- Hayley only smokes when she drinks, or is stressed, or goes on holiday, or on Thursdays. And she doesn't even buy cigarettes except for last week so no, she's not really a smoker at all.
Having been publicly accused of being a 'recovering drug addict' Hayley is heartbroken. "I'M NOT MY PAST," she yells which gets firm nods of agreement from the experts, who also like to think they're not their past because if they were they should lose their jobs given their appalling track record.
"Why is this not working?" John Aiken asks the couple, and we don't know, John, maybe it's because you matched fundamentally incompatible strangers.
Listen to our Married at First Sight recap podcast where we say things we're not allowed to put in this recap. Post continues below.
Ultimately, it's Sir Steve Aiken's meddling that convinces both Hayley and David to stay, despite the fact they can't sit beside each other without throwing around accusations of drug problems.
It seems like a truly terrible idea for these two individuals to be forced to live together for an entire week and we cannot wait.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.
Catch up on all the recaps:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.
Top Comments
They get paid more the longer they're on the show, right? That's the only reason I can see for these people who obviously hate each other wanting to stick around. Well, that and increasing their profile for when they become 'influencers' after the show.
This is such an important discussion. Thank you!