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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I'm just not attracted to you."

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Everyone’s going on a honeymoon to wherever had the cheapest flights and yes one couple are being sent to Thredbo.

Poppy, though, is still missing her twin boys, Cock and Block. She calls them and is told that Cock woke up in the middle of the night crying because he remembered what his name was and she’s devastated.

mafs poppy
"I thought it would be funny."

Over at Amanda and Tash's honeymoon, things are starting to get awkward so we're served a few minutes worth of flashbacks which is bullsh*t because their wedding was literally two nights ago.

You see, Tash isn't feeling a spark for Amanda and Amanda is completely in love with Tash and THIS. This is why we love this show unconditionally.

In a bid to impress her wife, Amanda is harassing Australian wildlife and surprisingly it isn't... working.

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"Oi lady you look like an idiot."
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Things are also uncomfortable on Natasha and Mikey's honeymoon, where they're being made to abseil down a mountain.

"Who's going first?" the abseiling man asks and you better believe Mikey pretty much pushes Natasha off the cliff.

As Natasha scales her way down the mountain, she starts to rattle off all the procedures she regularly gets done including Botox, filler, hair extensions and going to the solarium which we're pretty sure is illegal now but okay. Mikey starts to wonder whether he has different values to this woman he met on a reality TV show, so does what most of us would do: he raises it with his good friend, the abseiling man.

"Looks aren't everything," he responds to Mikey - which is honestly far more insightful than anything any of the experts have ever said.

"I'm after something real..." Mikey says contemplatively, which he is surprised he didn't find in his fake wife at his fake wedding OR on his fake honeymoon.

Watch: Clare and Jessie Stephens are the experts you didn't see on tonight's episode. Post continues after video.

At another affordable holiday destination, Poppy and Luke are on a hot air balloon ride and excuse us but we've noticed something.

Yes. You saw correctly. Kangaroos are running under their hot air balloon, away from Amanda, a human woman who tried to join their pack.

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"We've crossed two states and 5,000 kilometres."

Speaking of Amanda, she's been waiting 17 hours for Tash to join her by the pool and now she's "burned". We're not sure if she means physically or emotionally, but either way you should be applying sunscreen every two hours, more if you're swimming.

Tash eventually shows up and asks if she can read her book because "it's really good" and in her defence, it's award-winning 'Conversations with Friends' by Sally Rooney and we have heard it really is very good.

Amanda is very upset. First, she was rejected by a kangaroo pack and now by Tash. This honeymoon couldn't be going any worse.

But it does get worse. 

Tash continues to try to meditate herself out of this holiday and no it doesn't work.

meditation
'I'll fkn stab you.'

When Tash and Amanda meet up for dinner that night, Tash tries to explain that it's all very hard for her because she's never married a complete stranger before and then gone on a honeymoon with them and r U sErIoUs?!?

"Just be brutally honest, are you not attracted to me?" Amanda asks which we have NEVER not ONCE had the guts to ask ANYONE.

Tash explains that she just doesn't feel the chemistry right now and then Amanda starts yelling at her because that's mean, and why can't you just try harder?

Clearly Tash has the ick and can't even look at Amanda without needing to meditate immediately, so they decide to sleep in separate rooms.

"It's going to be hard for us to progress..." Tash says and yeah you're sleeping in separate rooms on the first night because you literally couldn't stand being together due to a real lack of attraction so, yeah, it will probably be quite hard to... progress. From... there.

amanda
It's been... less than 48 hours.

Things are also falling apart on David and Hayley's honeymoon, ever since Hayley made fun of David's hourly wage which does indeed seem like a relatively rude thing to say to someone you just met.

Hayley explains that she never wants to live paycheck to paycheck which seems irrelevant given that this is a conversation about David's money.

mafs
"It's simple. Make more $$."

The following day, Hayley and David make up and decide to go to dinner. But John Aiken can smell conflict resolution all the way from Sydney, so makes an urgent phone call to a Singaporean hotel.

"Fetch the Question Box," he barks down the phone to the concierge.

In case you were wondering, no, question boxes do not exist in real life because their single purpose is to start fights which isn't ordinarily particularly... useful.

The first question - submitted by Trish - is "What's something you've never been told before?"

mafs
Um... wut?

A question has never, in the history of the world, made less sense, and in a wave of confusion David just starts yelling about his hourly wage.

Hayley decides to move on to the next question which seems like a dangerous idea and asks: "Can you see yourself falling in love with me?"

Look. How do we put this.

It's not... the time. For... romance. The vibe is... off.

Despite David saying he's really struggling (dear God pls just stop the game), Hayley goes to the NEXT QUESTION.

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She asks if she's what David was expecting and they start fighting about cigarettes and we want to die. 

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You should not be fighting about whether or not you're addicted to cigarettes on your third date. That's just a rule. And now they're just getting super petty about whether Hayley smoked four cigarettes or six and this. This is the worst of humanity. 

mafs hayley
"I think you'll find I've had minus 2 cigarettes, Sir."
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Hayley's had enough so storms off (probably to have a cigarette tbh) which is lucky given that the final question was 'WhAt Do U ReLlY ThInK AbUt Ma DrUg AdDiCtEd PaSt' and someone would've ended up in hospital.

David decides to move out of the hotel room and announces it's best they spend as little time together as possible, which sounds like a superb way to strengthen a marriage.

On a happier honeymoon, Josh and Cathy are having sexy time in the spa.

Josh says Cathy is a fridge and he's a magnet and Sir, you should NEVER call a woman a fridge. Ever. But there's no time for blossoming romances because Amanda and Tash are fighting again.

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"My feelings don't make sense ever since I got married on television."

After moving out of their hotel room, Amanda thought she'd ask Tash if she wouldn't mind her coming back, to build some kind of a friendship. But yes, Tash would mind, sorry.

It would make her really uncomfortable and MATE. YOU SIGNED UP TO MARRY A STRANGER. SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE SOCIAL BOUNDARIES AND A NEED FOR PRIVACY.

Amanda gets so mad that she starts attacking the local flora and looking for her kangaroo tribe who already outright rejected her. 

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"First you harassed our kangaroos and now you are destroying their food."
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Ultimately, we end back at David and Hayley's honeymoon, with David proclaiming: "If I was handed a ticket to the airport tonight, I would run til my feet were bleeding."

Nice one, Trish.

What a raging success.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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