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The narrator tells us we're about to meet the final two couples in this year's experiment and please, there is no need to lie to us.
We have done this 11 times now. We know how it works.
PLUS, HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT MICHAEL.
Put some respect on his name!
We are reunited with Richard and his motorcycle for the first time since the bucks night. He's still talking sh*t about the people who talk sh*t to him about his age and it's a noble fight, so go off king.
He's a motivational speaker, so naturally we need Richard and Lucinda Light to have a quote-off RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Will he ever beat "taking in his quintessence"?
His daughter told him to apply for MAFS????????? Roxy! What are you doing!
He and his motorbike have been matched with Andrea and her motorbikes. I see what they did there. Foolproof.
Andrea has also been in a punk band. Long story short, she's awesome.
She also says she learned about gaslighting from MAFS and broke up with an ex because of it. Should we take bets on who the gaslighter in question was? Bryce is surely the odds-on favourite, with Harrison a cheeky second.
"Because MAFS broke up my relationship, I feel that they should find me a new man," she says.
Oh-
Andrea-
Are you sure? Because you quite literally just said you watched the type of behaviour that takes place here.
Next up we meet Lauren, who hates veganism and loves red flags. She has been matched with Jonathan, and this Ken's job is exercise.
The experts think they will balance each other out. That is code for 'clash for our entertainment'.
That is off to a great start: Jonathan arrives without incident, which balances out Lauren's... many incidents.
First, she tans WHILE IN HER WEDDING DRESS.
HAS SHE EVER TANNED BEFORE AND DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU NEED TO SHOWER AFTERWARDS OR ELSE IT IS GOING TO STAIN EVERYTHING INCLUDING HER WHITE! WEDDING! DRESS!
I am so stressed.
The biggest risk taken on his inherently risky series
She's running 30 minutes late, so it's really lucky that the stupidly large car carrying her to her ceremony does not completely destroy its undercarriage on the way! That'd be unfortunate!
As everyone waits, Jonathan's sister says he needs someone calm. While Lauren goes foraging in the bushes for a makeshift bouquet.
Cool, calm and collected actually.
She gracefully makes her way down the stairs at the venue — where are the crew who carried Natalie and why are they letting this poor woman do this on her own! — and Jonathan's sister... rolls not just her eyes, but her entire head.
Jonathan turns around and says "oh wow, she's actually good-looking" and sir have you ever watched this show before because they only cast a certain type of person and you are both IT.
Jonathan and Lauren hit it off until his vows say he likes to get up early to enjoy 12 hours of exercise. He redeems himself by admitting he might eat a bit of cake on the weekend, or something.
Jonathan's sister thinks Lauren's dress is "very unusual". Wait till she sees the bright orange tan patches. She's also concerned that they're in different life stages because Lauren really likes wine.
Meanwhile, Andrea and Richard begin their day like his succulent, "full of life and promise". Especially when he laughs like a kookaburra and she screams out the window of her wedding car.
I really hope they and their motorbikes hit it off!!!
AND YAAASSSS, THEY DOOOOO.
I LOVE THESE MOTORBIKE BUDDIES ALREADY
They both make very silly jokes in their vows and love cricket. Their children are all laughing along and I've well-and-truly drunk the Kool-Aid because WHAT IN THE ROM-COM IS HAPPENING HERE.
I'm giggling and kicking my feet. They're delightful.
At their reception, their daughters bond and then Andrea and Richard "daggy dance".
Andrea thanks the MAFS Gods, and that one is going straight to John Aiken's head.
Have some humility, John!!!!
Lauren has decided that 30 minutes into her fake marriage is a good time to test whether Jonathan can handle her "crazy" side.
It's a superb idea from her and also the producers.
It starts off well because nothing wins a group of blokes over quite like foursome jokes, apparently.
Have you ever seen a group of men more delighted?
But then Jonathan and Lauren get real touchy-feely and Jonathan's stepsister Steph is mad about it.
"If it was out at a club or something, we all know what might happen," she says.
Gasp! Is she talking about SEX?!
Lauren then points out Steph's cross necklace as "Jesus and cleavage!" and ohmygodLaurenyoucannotsaythatbutalsoIamgoingtohellbecauseIdidinfactlaugh.
I really don't think Steph liked it.
Doing her best to remember thou shalt not kill
Steph quizzes Lauren's intentions, but it appears Lauren shares Podcast Ben's mantra to the series: "Why not?" Did everyone listen to the Lizzie McGuire soundtrack before signing up this year? Give Hilary Duff her damn dues!
Lauren recounts getting buck wild in Bali the week earlier and Steph reckons Jonathan will walk away when he realises she's still in her party girl era.
Unfortunately, she drastically underestimates this show's ability to keep the cast in strange Sydney apartments against their will. The rest of us know that writing 'leave' at a commitment ceremony is mostly just for fun.
The next morning, I notice a red flag in Andrea and Richard's otherwise very wholesome fairytale:
?????????
That cup is half empty. No one should accept a latte with a tide so low.
Speaking of red flags, Lauren wakes up next to Jonathan and reckons it feels like waking up next to a one-night stand.
She's decided that he is a really nice person who makes her feel calm and safe, so that means he's a terrible match.
Before we get to more of that impending clusterf***, production balances it all out with some lovely shots of Richard and Andrea staring out into the horizon, looking for beautiful vistas such as... Melbourne.
We have officially reached an important seasonal milestone. Don't tell Steph, but Richard and Andrea experienced "spontaneous combustion". I presume that means really great sex.
Slay!
OKAY, BACK TO LAUREN MAKING INCREDIBLY POOR DECISIONS.
I disagree wholeheartedly with writing Jonathan off because he's too nice, but him not knowing what 'f***, marry, kill' is does, admittedly, give me pause.
HOW CAN ANYONE NOT HAVE PLAYED F*** MARRY KILL? IT'S ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT PLEASURES.
Okay wait-
She's playing 'f*** marry kill' with her three bridesmaids. I'm genuinely surprised an evil cackle was not added in post-production.
Shockingly, he simply cannot choose which of HER BEST FRIENDS he would kill and worse, f***, and Lauren thinks that makes him weak sauce.
I think it just makes him... smart.
A MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT FIRST!
Lauren tells him her troubles stem from him not being a dirtbag and he calls her out for being stuck on toxicity, even though she clearly needs someone who isn't a POS.
She agrees with him, but also... doesn't take it on board whatsoever.
Uh oh. I'm genuinely excited concerned about what may happen when all the couples meet and she sees... Jack.
I guess we will find out tomorrow.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine.
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