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Well.
Domenica and Jack had sexual intercourse last night with their genitals. So there’s that.
“Is he a good lover?” a producer asks Domenica and to that producer we simply say: you’re not getting paid enough. You need to know that.
Domenica happily confirms that her new husband is a good root which is important for us, the people at home, to know.
Thank you.
While the woman behind the camera weeps silently into her university degree, the experts get busy matching their next couple.
Holly is ready to become a mum because she’s 36 years old and we need you to understand how much of your time this show will waste.
Then, we meet her match - Andrew. A man who, we can assure you, will be a complete and utter waste of time.
Andrew is from Dallas and has been married twice before. He recalls how at his first wedding he cried as his bride walked down the aisle because he knew it was a “huge mistake” but he went through with it anyway and okay can people stop marrying people they hate?? It feels like a lot of unnecessary money and paperwork idk.
You need to not get married for literally like 10 minutes.
Speaking of a great start to a marriage, expert Alessandra is interrogating Holly who continues to insist: “I’m on a timeline and I don’t want to miss out.”
How can any of the experts look this poor woman in the eye and sleep at night.
John Aiken, a man who arranges fake marriages for strangers on the television that always often result in severe emotional distress, describes Holly as a bit "unusual". Alessandra agrees that she's "a little intense" and pause.
We're made to think Holly is unhinged because she's into manifestation but a) that's not the weirdest thing happening... here, and b) her fake husband is super into manifestation too? He's literally a life coach? But when he talks about 'creating your own reality' he doesn't get kooky music?
If a man is into manifestation it's a sign he's incredibly evolved. A woman on the other hand...
On another note, why do we feel like the only requirement for being a life coach is having an American accent. But moving on.
It's the morning of Holly and Andrew's wedding, and he's delivered her a letter. But ummm since when is this in the rules?? First you're allowed to write a letter, next minute you'll be able to send a video and then what?? You're allowed to MEET the person you marry before your wedding day? That's absurd.
Watch the preview for this season of Married At First Sight. Post continues after video.
Holly continues to recite her manifestations down the aisle and no amount of positive self-talk can make any of this go well. Trust us.
But shut the f**k up. They're at Curzon Hall. The same location as last night's wedding. Which clearly has a two for one deal for fake weddings?
'We'll throw in the celebrant for free.'
"I’m guessing you’re the sisters," Andrew says to a woman who is clearly Holly’s mum and now we’re irrationally irritated.
Finally he is united with his chanting bride. Everything is fine. Until.
She clocks the accent.
Andrew confesses that he is indeed from Texas and everyone in attendance is horrified.
At this point we have to give it to Married at First Sight. Being discriminated against because you’re from Texas is absolutely a new storyline we were not expecting.
"I’m sure you’ve heard the saying 'everything is bigger in Texas'", he says in his vows and Sir are you referring to your d*ck?
We don't want it.
He says something about his heart but we’re still thinking about his d*ck. Which is upsetting for us. So.
During their wedding photos, Andrew keeps saying things like "yee-haw" and "giddy up partner" which feels a lot like harassment. Holly spends the time trying to work out how to politely ask a stranger, “So Do You Like Guns And Denying Women The Right To Abortion?” but can’t quite get the tone right.
Like, hypothetically? But also... literally.
Finally, Andrew reveals he has a daughter and wants more kids. Holly forgets about her abortion/firearms concerns and shouts "PUT A BABY IN ME? NOW OR AFTER DINNER" before shouting "YEE-HAW" at no one.
After all the excitement, Holly remembers there was something she meant to ask. She whispers 'Trump' under her breath a few times to gauge a reaction and finally Andrew says he didn’t vote for that guy and Holly is pleased. She’s ovulating so there’s no time to ask any follow-up questions.
While Holly and Andrew bond over babies being a thing you can make with a big Texan d*ck, a woman named Selina is about to reveal to her conservative Cambodian parents how she plans on getting married.
'Sorry. In advance.'
"There are three experts that have found me my soulmate," she says.
"OK…" Selina’s mum mumbles.
Narrator: It was not ok.
Selina’s dad takes a moment and then explains, "Actually not 100 per cent approval for you," and okay in his defence… fair.
Selina laments that the husband her mother wants for her would be Kim Jong Il who is a) deceased b) a tyrant and c) guilty of crimes against humanity.
Honestly, wouldn't put it past this show.
Unfortunately, Kim Jong Il was unavailable this season, so the experts find Selina an "adventurous" guy named Cody instead.
Cody explains that, yeah, he loves adventure. If someone asks him if he wants to go to Europe he’ll say "yeah, let’s go to Europe" and dude literally who would say no if they were invited to Europe?
As he prepares for his wedding day, he shows us his new undies that say "GROOM" and we hate them.
Selina, however, does not give a s**t. She doesn’t care that her wedding is at night (??) or that there are no guests or that it appears to be in someone’s back garden.
All that matters is that the man standing at the altar is not the ghost of Kim Jong Il.
How many crimes against humanity have you, personally, committed?
For a moment we wonder why more weddings don’t take place at night.
Then a photographer begins to take the wedding photos. And we realise. That you can’t see anything. Except for possum eyes. In the trees.
After 10 minutes, Cody decides his new bride is too much. She’s asking him questions and standing in his vicinity and honestly if he knew marriage was going to be like this he would never have agreed to it.
"I’m concerned that [she’s] going to dive in quickly," he says, terrified, and mate you just married a stranger you better believe she’s gonna dive in quickly??
But SHUSH it’s time for the honeymoons and this is the part where everyone realises they actually hate each other.
Why would they? They're strangers?
Andrew and Holly are being sent to the Hunter Valley, and it turns out Holly is that person. On your Hunter Valley trip. Who turns into a fake sommelier. And you have no idea what they’re talking about. But you want them to be quiet. Immediately.
Just as we're thinking about how this feels like a fundamentally different show when there's an American accent in the vicinity, it happens.
Andrew's got his d*ck out. And it's far too soon.
Jokes. We already called them and they're on their way.
Meanwhile, Anthony’s being a gentleman on his honeymoon with Selin and she's like... idk this is annoying.
He runs her a bath and lingers for too long in the bathroom clearly hoping for an invite but Sir, no. Leave the poor woman alone.
It's at this point that John Aiken becomes impatient. No one's yelling. No one has blatantly insulted their partner to their face. So he dusts off the Honeymoon Box, and we don't mean to be rude but we feel like it's had about 17 different names over the years. Honestly Box. Truth Box. Starting-s**t-for-no-reason box.
One of the first questions makes Selina cry at the thought of being a disappointment to her parents, which is a good start but not why we're... here.
In a... pettier way.
So the final question is: are you attracted to me? Selina enthusiastically tells Cody she's attracted to him, but then it comes his turn to answer, and he says: "Okay. So."
Well. That's not. What you want to hear. In response.
"So, um," he says. "This is something I am struggling with. I don’t know why I am struggling a bit with the sexual attraction.
"It’s like my schlong isn’t co-ordinating with my head."
Cool cool cool cool cool. What a beautiful start to a marriage.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
Read our previous recaps here:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."
Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.
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