The month of January is peak time for unhappy couples calling it quits, thanks to the added pressure that the holiday season puts on already stressed out families.
Whether it's spending too much time together or with the in-laws, financial stress, or just feelings of overwhelm; January is not called 'divorce month' for nothing.
Parenting educator Mel Burgess of Love Parenting says there's another rather poignant reason couples with kids wait until January to separate.
Watch: Miley Cyrus on the stigma of divorce. Post continues below.
"So many parents push through to do 'one more Christmas together' for the kids and then hit January so stretched thin they are almost see through," she tells Mamamia.
"It's hard because this is the time couples need extra emotional bandwidth for supporting themselves and their young ones through the initial separation process."
But help is at hand.
Burgess says that while co-parenting in the early days of separation can be a wild ride, she believes it can also be doable if you keep your expectations at a realistic level and remain as kind to yourself as possible.
Here are her seven expert tips for how to best manage co-parenting in the early days of your separation.
1. Avoid bad advice from 'friends'.
"If random people in your world are discussing how they think you should have proceeded in your relationship - or are judging and speculating what would, at this stage of your separation, be 'best' for your children - then you are on track.
"It’s awful and so incredibly unhelpful when friends forget their manners. Take out your can of imaginary Teflon coating. Spray yourself liberally and from now on visualise their projections sliding right off you.
"Clock that people’s kooky reactions to your changed circumstances are likely an indication that separation scares the pants off them due to where they are at (or have been) in their life. Those uncomfortable feelings and clutching at straws to have influence over/control the outcome of your relationship is their stuff, not yours.
"You have enough on right now transitioning yourself and your kids through this next bit so wide berth the people who become self-appointed commentators. Resist as best you can spending your precious energy on trying to convince anyone of anything. You are the expert on you, and you and your co-parent are the experts your family and who needs what as you proceed.
"Give yourself a minute to throw a short pity party that those others don’t have the capacity to be there for you in the way you wish they could be, then 'do you' spending your precious and finite energy on meeting you and your children’s needs. You can come back to them later if you find they have relaxed their judgement."
2. Others will genuinely 'get-it' and offer really useful and thoughtful support.
"These are the humans you want to save your energy for connecting with. The ones that send the 'no need to reply unless you really want to, I am just sitting here thinking of you' texts. The ones that ask if you would like them to be your child’s transport to and from soccer training from now on. The ones that come over for a cuppa and while there slide an easy frozen meal and a dessert into your freezer for whenever next they might be handy.
"If being fiercely independent is something you’ve prided yourself on this is going to challenge you. It’s hard to be vulnerable. There’s an element of control that we need to give up to let people in like that, but it’s in our vulnerability that we connect with others. And as Hugh Mackay says our biggest protective factor is the community we live in. So, enough of this holding people at bay. Take up anything close to a hot offer.
"Save notes in your phone about a few challenges you are working on solving. Next time someone asks how they can help you, you’ll be able to swing a couple of ideas past them."
Listen to Mamamia's podcast about separation and divorce, The Split. Post continues below.
3. Don’t expect there to be significant shifts in your communication or power dynamics once separated.
"Patterns follow us. The way you and your partner have shown up during conflict while together will follow you into your separation.
"You are familiar with each other’s go-to reactions which are likely as predictable as a washing machine cycle. Over time, you can continue to work on your communication skills. For now, remain realistic about the expectations you have of your co-parent (and yourself) in this time of huge transition.
"Keep collecting yourself through the emotional times by letting yourself have, notice and name the feelings that bubble up, and then soothe in whatever way you have learnt works. If you do that before you respond to something that has put a bushfire of feels through you, you’ll throw far less (intentional and unintentional) emotional grenades, meaning you will receive less thrown your way too."
4. Trust other people to love your kids well enough to care for them.
"The way our children get parented is something that we can hold really dear to our heart. In the heightened emotional state that usually comes with separating, we can feel unnecessarily strongly that their needs get met in very specific ways.
"The sense of control loss can be gut-wrenchingly difficult to sit with. If you have been your child’s key go-to person the whole of their life then of course it will be anxiety-provoking to think of them being with their other parent who you know has not had nearly the number of hours 'on the tools' meeting their needs as you.
"My advice is to write your worries down. Or say them out loud to yourself or to someone. Let yourself feel the feels and then take a bird's-eye view of them. Ask yourself if your child is actually really unsafe (and go down that formal route if you need to) or whether your reaction is part of it understandably feeling really hard right now.
"Write down or say out loud, too, the unique things they bring that are a real benefit to the kids. All of this will be especially hard if you did not feel emotionally or physically safe within your relationship with your ex-partner."
5. The relationship your kids have with their other parent is separate to the relationship you have with your ex-partner.
"You might understandably worry that in their parent/child relationship with your children your ex will treat them in ways that they have treated you, and that your children will experience those behaviours in the same negative way that you did. It's understandable you would be cautious: These are likely your reasons for ending the relationship.
"Again, feel what you are feeling, soothe yourself until you can think rationally again and ask whether that is true, or whether you are looking at the situation through a lens of stress and discombobulation. Take action if you deem it necessary, and give them space to foster their relationship with each other if you don’t."
6. Change is hard for everyone even when it is really necessary.
"You might have a really clear-cut reason that you need to separate. It might even be really amicable. And yet, there will likely be considerable grief and loss experienced.
"There will have been hopes and dreams that you are processing. Not to mention the life admin that it takes to un-mesh two adults' and their children’s lives. If you are clear that it was necessary to separate and yet feel stuck and 'blurgh' then that’s fair enough. You don’t need to be shiny and happy for your children all the time. Keep in mind it can be really easy to underestimate how much 'extra' you are all going to need to recalibrate.
"Cancel out of attending things that don’t float your boat. Have pyjama days or take adventures in nature. Whichever you need most on any day. Give your children more say over small things that mean a lot to them like the setting up of the second household etc. It’s big and it will pass. Keeping your nervous systems intact in the meantime is where your energy is best spent."
7. Support the transitions.
"It might take hours (or days) for each of you to come back into flow after each changeover. And that’s okay. The less you force them the more everyone will feel safe to find their flow with all the extra coming and going. The use of neutral places like daycare, school, after-school activities, or playdates to buffer the change-over lessens the stress kids feel when one parent is saying goodbye to the rest of the family.
"Wherever you are at with this, congratulate yourself for all you’ve managed through so far.
"And looping back to the first point. If you get a whiff of anyone getting all up in your personal business, then silently and knowingly smile, flick them the birdie from inside one of your pockets, and whisper lovingly: 'If we could still be happy and together, we would be!'
"Then go on your merry way moving towards easier times ahead knowing that it’s not divorce that harms children, it is relational dysfunction. And look at you go, you are stepping out of the conflict, resentment and disconnection that don’t benefit any of you.
"Standing in alignment with your values and communicating with kindness and grace will teach your children far more than your relationship status ever will."
Mel Burgess is a mum of two, parent educator and founder of Love Parenting. Her evidence-based parent coaching is tailored to every family's unique circumstances and specialising in getting partners 'on the same page'.
Feature Image: Getty.
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