'I didn’t think much of this TikTok relationship theory until men started to confirm it.'

Ah, another day, another TikTok trend that completely makes me spiral. 

Today's complete wig-out is derived from the "men's first love" theory trend. It's the idea that men never truly get over their first love and try to find that same type of love in every other person they date after. 

The trend kicked off with people sharing how they've just learnt about the theory, which then encouraged people to look into it themselves and ask the men in their lives about it.

When I first saw this pop up on my TikTok feed, I didn't think much of it. I thought it was a rogue concept that was used as engagement bait for people who have an anxious attachment style. 

That was until I started seeing men also jump onto the trend and... confirm it.

@henry_grey_earls men’s first love theory.. #love #nyc #library ♬ Res Evil 6 - Kenejo

Under these videos are comments from mostly women who, like myself, feel slightly panicked. 

"That's why I always have retroactive jealousy."

"New fear unlocked."

"I'm too old to be someone's first love."

"My biggest flex is I've been the first love for all my exes."

For me, the worst part about this "theory" is that it excuses men for not liking the person they're with. It puts zero blame on them as individuals because the "theory" suggests that this is just how all men are wired. 

@jayoffline

Men never get over their first love bc its the first time he felt someone

♬ original sound - JB

Some people think that this first love theory doesn't just apply to men — and I agree.

There have been times when I wished that the men I dated had that one thing that I had experienced from a previous love. The difference between this and the 'first love' theory is that I take ownership of this — my craving to find the same love is something I need to work through as an individual until I'm ready to date again. I don't use it as an excuse for not being able to love future partners to the same level. 

The men on TikTok who are leaning into this trend are weaponising its concept and using it as a way of telling their present or future partners that they will never stack up to their first love and that's just the way it is.

My heart breaks for some of the women in the comments who I imagine are adding yet another thing on an imaginary list titled: "Why he doesn't like you." 

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I took the plunge and asked one of my exes (whose first love wasn't me), if there was truth to this theory. 

He said, "Yes, no one forgets their first love, but I think it's unfair to say that all men are chasing that same love in all of their future relationships. I have so many great memories from all of my past relationships and I guess I'm 'chasing' the good parts from all of them."

There is a type of 'first love' theory that doesn't give people excuses and encourages individuals to challenge the way they approach love to move forward with their future relationships. 

Betterhelp calls this the 'first love effect' and it acknowledges that many people struggle to move on from their first love. It gives some meaning to the phrases, "You never forget your first love", and "the one who got away". However, they suggest that this isn't something we should just accept and turn into a problem for our future partners. 

"In many cases, first love can conjure up some wonderful and treasured memories that you can carry with you throughout your life. In other cases, the memories may be holding you back," they said, suggesting that therapy can help give you a sense of perspective from each one of your relationships so that you can move forward.  

As someone who can openly admit to constantly having to deal with how my previous relationships affected me, the 'men's first love' theory did to me what it's doing to so many other women — giving us a reason to feel insecure within our relationships with men. 

If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you on follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Canva.