Holy smokes.
We urge you to stop everything you’re doing at once and watch Kylie Jenner’s Instagram story.
But prepare yourself for nightmarish scenes ahead, and perhaps make a hard pass if you’re feeling particularly fragile this Sunday afternoon.
The reality star and beauty mogul just out Kylie Jennered herself, having designed an actual theme park for her daughter’s first birthday.
Stormiworld.
Obviously the whole, elaborate celebration would have cost bajillions of dollars, which is pretty cooked in itself… but we can’t help but find the entire thing absolutely terrifying.
We appreciate the star wanting to go all-out for her first born in true Jenner-Kardashian style, but we weren’t… ready.
Not only are we concerned for the infant guests who endured the terrors lying within the giant, dark, loud warehouse which was shaped like Stormi's face, we are worried Stormi will develop a fear of her own reflection after seeing unnervingly large versions of her own face on every surface including cookies, in place of a clown in a ball toss game, oh and THE ENTIRE FACADE OF THE BUILDING.
Surely this has complex written all over it and good God Kylie what have you done?
Oh, but that's not the only terrifying aspect to the celebration.
Here's a collection of things we found entirely ridiculous (and a little bit frightening) on viewing Kylie's story.
The facade
Yes, we've already mentioned this, but we desperately need to unpack it further.
Guests entered through a giant, air-filled version of Stormi's face and if this isn't the stuff of nightmares we don't know what is.
Obviously she's an adorable baby, but Kylie, no. Good lord no.
No one needs to walk through your daughter's mouth.
The music choices
Kylie's story begins to the soundtrack of Kendrick Lamar's Humble, which boasts such lyrics as "Get the f*ck off my d*ck that ain't right" and others which we can't actually... publish.
Look, it's obviously a banger, but we just don't think it's all that appropriate for a one-year-old's birthday party.
Imagining Stormi bobbing up and down innocently as the chorus - "Hol' up bitch, sit down, be humble" blasts through the speakers doesn't seem... right.
Never fear, later in the story we learn that guests were also treated to a live performance of "Baby Shark" and it seems that yes, this song is going to be stuck in our heads until we die.
But wait.
The baby shark dancers
THEY ARE SCARY. WHY ARE THEY SO SCARY KYLIE? WHY?
Kylie Jenner's hand
We just had to mention it.
Behold:
The Kardashian/Jenner entrepreneurial prowess
In a surprise to precisely no one, the party also offered a chance for the family to plug a new clothing line and we see you, Kris.
Guests could pop in to Stormi's Shop to buy themselves Stormiworld merch, because of course they could. Every child's birthday should have its own merchandise, right?
We're unsure whether any of the t-shirts available included the slogan "I survived Stormiworld" and we suspect there was a separate store where guests could purchase items from Kylie's makeup line.
The fact that Stormi was gifted a teeny tiny Chanel handbag and we can barely make rent
Of course, Stormi would have no idea what a Chanel handbag even is, but that didn't stop one of the guests - DJ Khaled, no less, presenting her with one.
And come on, really?
What would she even put in it? Dirt?
Yeah, we're jealous.
Other than the above, there was also:
-A "dream" room adorned with pictures of Stormi dressed like an angel in the clouds.
-A giant rainbow slippery dip, which actually looked pretty dope.
-A man walking around with pretzels dangling from his hat. (We can only assume he was an innocent member of the public the Kardashian/Jenner's captured from the side of the road and forced into Stormi's face-warehouse of doom).
-A cake that was an actual, moving merry-go-round.
-A wall of giant pink and white teddy bears.
And more.
Imagine if you got trapped in this loud, colourful hell-cave alone at night. Just imagine.
But hey, despite us feeling over-stimulated and a little creeped out by it all, it looked like the kids enjoyed themselves ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Kids are so weird.
Top Comments
Money can’t buy taste
Well, now everyone who was bitching about Bec Judd’s ‘over the top’ birthday for her kid can stfu! THIS is ott, for sure. Seems pretty standard Kardahian style to me, it would almost be weird if they *didn’t* do something like this.