'That's when I knew I was the red flag.' 5 signs you might be ruining your own chance at love.

Whether you are in a long-term relationship or a short-term situation-ship, the chances of you being familiar with the term 'red flag', is well… almost a given.

When used in the realm of dating, 'red flags' typically refer to those warning signs that indicate unhealthy, manipulative or toxic behaviour.

Being a young twenty-two-year-old actively participating in the dating world, trust me when I say, 'red flags' aren’t always easy to recognise. From the fear of commitment to a lack of emotion, the range of 'red flags' out there today is anything but limited.

While you're here, here are the different relationship red flags. Story continues after video.

With that in mind, it was not long before I adopted a new approach to dating. An approach in which I would eagerly seek out my partner’s ‘red flags’ – whether they existed or not. Ultimately, I was attempting damage control before any damage was even done – which is something I do not advise doing.

In order to provide my relationship with the best chance of survival, I chose to seek out my partner’s ‘red flags’, before they found me and our relationship. I assumed that by doing so, I was preventing any possible issues from entering our relationship.

Analysing my partner’s intentions, actions and behaviour became my speciality. Many may go so far as to say, I was hunting for ‘red flags’ – and boy oh boy, I was not stopping until I found them.

Aside from being quite negatively geared, this little ‘red flag’ pursuit of mine, was actually merging into its own ‘red flag’ territory.

Continuously blaming failed relationships on these so-called ‘red flags’, was as unhelpful as it was untrue. The more relationships that failed, the more I began to question my own actions and behaviours, and slowly yet surely, I came to a rather blunt realisation.

That being, I too was to blame... I was also at fault.

This, my friends, is the exact moment in which I truly recognised it was I – the die-hard millennial romantic – who was in fact, sabotaging her own chance at love. I had become my very own ‘red flag’.

Whether I was prioritising lust or pursuing perfection, I had my very own set of ‘red flags’. Unfortunately, this process of seeking out the worst in others, only brought out the worst in me. I was neglecting to address my own toxic traits and without self-intervention and reflection, I quite possibly would have continued to do so.

Although there were several indicators that helped me identify my own ‘red flag’ like behaviour, it was the five signs listed below that truly opened my eyes to my own somewhat toxic traits.

1. You're letting lust cloud your judgement.

Don’t get me wrong sex is great, but when great sex begins to cloud your judgement, that’s typically a clear indicator you may need to hit pause on those steamy moments – perhaps easier said than done, I know.

Whether you find yourself in a sexually driven situation-ship or a serious long-term relationship, staying with a romantic partner purely because of intimacy and physical attraction, is by all means not healthy.

For many women – myself included – ignoring the 'red flags' and staying with a partner solely because of physical attraction, is an easy and seemingly conflict-free way, to avoid deeper issues within the relationship.

Choosing to continue dating an individual you are not compatible with solely because the sex is great, will by all means, not bring you any closer to finding your soulmate. Call me cheesy, but it’s true.

Similar to most things we gain pleasure from, lust can – and typically does – have a short shelf life. When this thing called lust does expire – because it eventually will – it is then, and only then, do we gain a deeper understanding as to why sex is such a small part of falling in love.

As someone who has found herself in various situations where sex was the only thing my partner and I valued about one another, trust me when I say… intimacy can indeed be a fleeting feeling. If you and your partner do not have a strong connection on a deeper level, the attraction you feel towards them may actually expire quicker than expected.

If you do not see a long-term future with the individual you are dating – as hard as it may be – it’s probably best to end things where they are. After all, the more time you spend with the wrong person equates to less time with the right.

2. You are looking for problems where there aren't any.

In a world where over 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, I understand, it’s not always easy to trust your partner.

Being on high alert for possible relationship downfalls is normal – hell it’s expected – but what is not normal, is when that worry turns into unnecessary panic, false questioning and over-analysing.

Whether or not you are in a relationship, over-analysing a situation to the point of exhaustion, is not healthy nor productive. For those who fear the unknown, questioning a situation, issue or problem is quite common.

However, when placing this sense of fear onto a partner and new relationship, you are, by all means, asking for problems.

When dating, digging for problems is not only a time waster but an energy drainer. Think about it… How can you possibly enjoy all the happy moments you are sharing with your partner if you are constantly focused on what could possibly go wrong? Truth be told... you can’t.

In my experience, fixating on your partner’s possible negative traits will only see you display your own. For me, this process of seeking out my partner’s issues led to the creation of many, much larger issues.

If you and your partner are happy, don’t question it.

After all, being present and enjoying the moment, is far more enjoyable than stressing about the future.

Listen to Fill My Cup, an overwhelm-fighting well-being show hosted by self-described witch Allira Potter. Story continues after podcast.

3. You are only dating emotionally unavailable partners.

In 2022, there is nothing more common than a situation-ship.

Informally recognised as a casual, commitment-free romantic relationship, situation-ships are one of the most common ways many women find themselves in love with emotionally unavailable partners.

Today, we classify casual dating as cool. Having multiple situation-ships? Even cooler. What’s not cool, however, is the fact that these situation-ships rarely lead to a long-term relationship – hence, one partner is always left more disappointed than the other.

As someone who has found themselves in one too many situation-ships, I can confirm... this is no place for someone looking for love.

Don’t get me wrong, there were many situation-ships I hoped would develop into long-term relationships, but of course, they didn’t. I couldn’t really complain, not when I knew from the beginning that this person had no intention of forming anything serious with me.

Sure, you can create great memories with these casual hook-ups, but when you do develop feelings – because you will – and want something more serious, don’t be shocked to find your romantic partner does not.

Situation-ships left me with nothing but disappointment and commitment issues – hence, I now steer clear of them at all costs.

I look back at this moment of my dating life and realise I was looking for long-term love with short-term partners. Choosing to only date emotionally unavailable men was a GIANT red flag in myself – no wonder I was continuously disappointed... I was setting myself up for failure right from the very start.

4. You're seeking perfection.

We’ve all been there, we have all yearned for the perfect partner, and it’s easy to see why. We live in a world where perfection equates to having either zero flaws or zero issues – well, at least I thought it did.

Life is not like a game of The Sims, we cannot simply manufacture the perfect soulmate to suit our preferences – that’s not how life or love works.

With dating apps of today – think Hinge, Bumble and Tinder – putting more emphasis on appearance rather than personality, it has become increasingly easy to get caught in this web of perfection.

Curating a list of necessary qualities like a Christmas wish list, I fell victim to this perfectionist ideal. I believed that the perfect partner would equate to the perfect relationship, and so I went on many dates, with many men, seeking one thing and one thing only… Perfection.

These physically flawless men, did eventually display their flaws and let me assure you, it was far from perfect – because no one is.

When I initially started dating, perfection was the priority. From their job, down to their shoe choice, I sought perfection in each and every man I ever dated. If I did happen to find myself on a date with a man who did not wear a suit to work, exercise regularly, drive a nice car or regularly travel, I would be quick to send an abrupt SOS message to my bestie – yes, this is not something I am particularly proud of.

Fast forward to today, and just the thought of this type of behaviour makes my stomach churn.

Seeking perfection in a relationship or partner is not uncommon, but it is unrealistic. No one is perfect, nor will they ever be. Relationships are, and will always be complex, whether or not you are with the perfect partner.

Listen to The Undone where the hosts share dating stories and talk about the biggest issue in their world, because... nothing is simple in your 20s. Story continues after podcast.

5. You are not sure who you are without a partner.

“I think I’ll know who I truly am when I am in love”, is a saying we have all heard before. A saying, I know perhaps a little too well.

Although I – like many uncoupled singles – now stand strong in who I am without a partner, this was certainly not the case during periods of self-doubt, loneliness and stress.

Relying on a partner to assist and contribute to your identity and true self, is all too common, and for me, well… it became a habit.

Sticking to every romantic partner like glue, many may say, I resembled a baby being weaned off her mother.

Knowing that when my partner and I did eventually part ways, I would be left with a little less me, made the idea of clinging to them – and our dysfunctional relationship – even more appealing.

The thing is, when you are unsure of who you are, what you want and what you stand for, the easiest option is to adopt the values, traits, and beliefs held by your partner.

While relying on a partner for direction is extremely common, not being sure of who you are without that individual in your life, is cause for questioning.

At the end of the day, it is your own traits, personality and differences that make you, inherently you. Being confident and significantly self-aware of who you are without your romantic companion, is key to finding love.

For me, not knowing who I was without a partner was one of my worst ‘red flags’. Jumping from partner to partner, knowingly aware that I had no idea what I wanted – nor required – in a relationship was as sad as it was unfair.

Being so inherently out of touch with myself, only drove me closer to my partner. The guidance I lacked in myself, I sought in my partner.

Having spent most of my early twenties relying on romantic partners to dictate who I was, has made me understand the importance of loving your true self FIRST and your partner second. Living in someone’s shadow is no way to date – let alone fall in love.

Feature Image: Canva/Mamamia.

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