'I found my son playing with my vibrator. This is what I did next.'

My sons are five and eight years old. They are curious, playful, full of energy and they are always getting into all the things in my bedroom.

Yes, that includes everything. 

From sex toys and vulva cushions to my good linen and my special leather-bound crystal-clad journal.

Watch: How to improve your child's body image. Post continues after video. 

So when I walked into my bedroom and found them wielding my shiny silver lush wand, it really was no surprise.

"Ma, what’s this?" my eight-year-old curiously asked me. Quickly, my youngest son then chimed in too. "Yeah, what’s this?"

A few years ago, walking into that scene and hearing that question would have thrown me.

I would have probably snatched it from them, lied and said, "Nothing!"

I might have squirmed a little or let out an exasperated breath before telling them to "put that down and leave it alone! That’s not for children!"

A few years ago, I would have had a very different response.

But this time, I didn’t. 

"A few years ago, walking into that scene and hearing that question would have thrown me." Image: Supplied.

With a gentle smile, I simply said, "That’s my special body massager. I use it to spread warmth and love all over my body."

I let them look.

I let them touch. 

I turned away to do something else. 

And after a few short moments, they’d popped it down and moved on. 

What I noticed is, at that moment I had a choice.

I could either screech and carry on with a furrowed brow and say "Oi! put that down! That’s not for you!"

My reaction would immediately inject drama, high emotion, and reactivity and ultimately create further intrigue or worse – shame. 

Sexologist Tamica Wilder shares how we can incorporate sex-positive teachings into our parenting. Image: Supplied. 

For many of us, human sexuality comes with taboos and complexities that can be quite tricky to navigate.

Then add children to the conversation?! 

It’s a topic many parents really struggle to approach. 

Our children are constantly taking cues from us about how to interact with, well, everything. The same goes for sex, sexuality and pleasure.

When we model discomfort, go silent or rigorously deny this aspect of our humanness, we are sending a message to our kids: There’s something different about this topic. 

If they haven’t heard us speak about it – how will they feel safe to bring us these important conversations?  

If they can’t see us being comfy with it – will they feel comfortable in their own expression and curiosities?

If we haven’t taught them what language to use and how to healthy and confidently engage with their own bodies – where will they learn it from?

This moment in my bedroom could have so easily been something they would have remembered forever, but for all the wrong reasons. 

But it wasn’t. It was nonchalant. A non-event. 

So why is this a teaching moment for all of us? 

Enter: Sex-positive parenting. 

Sex-positive parenting is about taking an active role in our children's sex education. It’s about normalising the conversations and actively removing the stigma, shame and taboo typically associated with sex. 

It's about supporting our children to engage in age-appropriate, healthy, enjoyable and consent-driven sexual expression and exploration in each phase of their development. 

Now, depending on where you’re at with your own sexual shame and confidence, I know this could sound like a really daunting task. 

But, I assure you. It doesn’t have to be. 

If you want to create a sex-positive household here are some pointers to get you on your way.

1. Be aware of your tone and body language. 

Looking back on your childhood, how would you have liked your parents to approach you about this topic? Yes, do that!

2. Use language that doesn’t teach "right" or "wrong".

Using factual, age-appropriate, honest and informative language is best. 

And yes, it takes practice. 

3. Enquire into your own beliefs, wounds and narratives about sex. 

This enquiry can help bring forward a "fresh lens" for your kids. Our thoughts and beliefs have a trickle effect throughout the household. It starts with us!

4. Do your best to create alignment with partners, grandparents, and other caregivers. 

Share your values and preferences about this topic with the other adults who spend time with your kids. Consistency is important. 

5. Decide on what language you want to use in your home. 

Ginee, vag, vagina or vulva? Penis, wang or willy?

I highly recommend you get comfy using the correct anatomical words. This creates confidence and safety for our young ones to do the same. 

Clear communication and positive genital association are super important aspects of healthy sexual maturation. And again, we lead by example. 

Listen to This Glorious Mess, hosted by Leigh Campbell and Tegan Natoli. Post continues after audio. 

6. Seek support! 

Engage with friends, mentors, educators, books or podcasts that can help bluster your confidence on this topic. You don’t have to go it alone! 

Imagine learning, leading and loving from the belief that sex is NOT inherently bad, wrong, dirty, sinful or shameful.

Imagine operating from the belief that sex is not something we need to protect our kids from. Imagine thinking of it instead as a rich and dynamic teaching opportunity where we get to guide in ways that align with our values.

Remember: What we want for our kids is to feel confident, articulate and without shame, as they journey through this natural, inevitable and glorious aspect of what it means to be human.

I believe that’s an opportunity sex-positive parenting offers us. 

And I promise, promise, promise that the benefits of being a proactive and educated caregiver will far outweigh the initial discomfort that will undoubtedly come up for you. 

Tamica Wilder is a somatic sexologist and mother of two delivering courses and workshops for Mothers and parents on all things sexuality and pleasure. You can find her on her website, The Orgasmic Mama, or follow her on Instagram.

Feature Image: Supplied.