'I've never been lonelier than during my second pregnancy.'

I'm halfway through my second pregnancy and I have never felt true loneliness until now.

Whilst I didn't expect the 'sunshine and rainbow-level' excitement that I felt during my first, I did not expect to be here typing these words as tears roll down my cheeks. It has absolutely blindsided me, how my two pregnancies could be so different, and I even had my first baby during a Covid in 2020.

I have always had a close network of friends and family and I'm happy in my own company too. 

However, this second precious pregnancy, which is also likely to be my last, does not seem to be so precious for those close to me, leaving me feeling lonely and isolated. 

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It hasn't helped that compared with my first where I was healthy and well; a 'pregnancy unicorn', this time around I have felt sicker, more physically uncomfortable and lower in mood.

I don't expect to be wrapped up in cotton wool, but if a woman doesn't feel loved and looked after whilst growing another human, then when can she be?

In the depths of my first trimester, when I was struggling with nausea and fatigue and just keeping my head above water, certain family members felt I wasn't giving them enough of my time. They abandoned my husband and me when we needed family support the most.

Friends that would have checked in diligently in my first pregnancy have assumed I don't need it this time round. For those who have reached out, when I have brought up the courage to say, "I'm not doing great" I've either had a simple, "I'm sure it'll all be worth it" type response or from one close friend, no response at all.

And my husband. A very hands-on dad to our toddler daughter, a primary provider for our family working long hours who I know actively wants this baby, but lacks the time to show it. 

It breaks my heart to say he's been far less engaged this time around.

Attended fewer appointments with me, touched my growing belly with less awe, hugged me less when the hormonal waves of emotion roll over me and perhaps assumed the same or more of this growing body as I lug myself up and down stairs cleaning, cooking, chasing after our toddler whilst trying to climb the ladder in my career before I once again have to step away from it to focus on my other important, unpaid job.  

But the saddest realisation in all of this is that a part of me doesn't feel I can complain. 

Because where was I when my many friends were pregnant with their second, or third babies? 

I can't be sure I checked in on them either. 

I can't be sure that I didn't assume they were travelling along fine because like me, "They've done it before." 

What I now can be sure of is being pregnant when mothering other children in an older, more tired body is damn hard. I vow to check in on my friends in their subsequent pregnancies from now on.

And I will not say, "Where is my village?" because frankly, I know where they are - they are trying to keep their own hut from burning down and just like me would love to lend a helping hand if they didn't already have their own hands full.  

This is not a pity story, but more of a realisation that perhaps I need to let go of the village concept, especially ahead of the postpartum stage which can be even lonelier than pregnancy.

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I know most of those who haven't been present for me this time around haven't done so deliberately and are likely deep in something of their own. 

The stage of life I am at means most of my peers are not only dealing with parenthood stresses but perhaps also financial, extended family and mental health stresses. 

Thankfully, there are a handful of angels who have been unconditionally caring during this time and for them, I am so grateful. Now I have the awareness to repay the favour when I'm out of my pregnancy fog. 

But most of all one day I will show this new baby to my biggest fan - my darling toddler who is in awe of my expanding belly and gives me all the kisses, cuddles and all the "Are you ok Mummy?" questions I really should ever need 

How lucky am I that I get another one just like her to hold and to love in just a few months' time?  

For help and support, contact PANDA (Peri/Postnatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) on 1300 726 306.

Feature Image: Getty.

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