There are several financial habits that put a strain on couple relationships, and for some couples, it may even become the reason their relationship breaks down.
Let's look at an example of an Australian couple and their relationship with money.
Watch: Constance Hall gets honest about money. Post continues below.
We'll call this couple Kevin and Keisha.
Kevin grew up in a household with parents who had unmanageable debts and huge expenses associated with raising their four kids. They were constantly worried and often fought about money. Even as an adult, despite having a good job and living well within his means, Kevin still feels anxious and stressed about not having enough money and not meeting his savings goals. He constantly checks his bank account and obsessively creates financial spreadsheets.
Keisha grew up in a single-parent household. Her mum made it her mission to ensure that Keisha’s needs were met, even if it meant they wore second-hand clothes and met their strict food budget by scouring the special deals and using home brands.
As an adult, she works in finance, earning more money than she’s seen in her life. She enjoys luxury clothes, accessories, and high-end restaurants. To Keisha, spending money is a celebration of her new financial freedom and a sign that she has moved past the financial struggles of the past. She rarely looks at her finances.
When Kevin and Keisha didn’t share finances, they were fine. They were not relying on each other so their different spending habits not aligning wasn’t impactful. However, soon after they put their salaries together into the same financial pot, their conflict set in.
Kevin now sees Keisha as “reckless” and “immature”, which makes him feel and behave like an annoyed father to her, protecting their funds. Keisha views Kevin as “stingy” and “a tight-ass”, and when they go to restaurants, he complains about the price, ruining the experience for Keisha. This dynamic has become entrenched in their relationship.
With Kevin and Keisha's experience in mind, let's look at the five common money habits I commonly see in relationships — and what they mean.
Habit #1: Being an ostrich in relation to finances.
Research conducted by NAB revealed that one in two Australians don’t look at their finances. We avoid them as they can be stressful, difficult, and even frightening.
We are a nation of ostriches burying our heads in the sand, hoping financial matters will magically take care of themselves in the future.
When one partner is a financial ostrich, they may be perceived as being more child-like by their partner, who may bear the brunt of the responsibility for household financial matters, and this is what’s happening for Kevin and Keisha, causing conflict in their relationship.
I’ve seen couples where both partners are 'financial ostriches'. They often feel out of control and have a sense of impending doom when bills are not attended to properly, and the future is not even vaguely planned for.
They can feel like hopeless children in areas regarding finances, waiting for a parent to show up to take control. I empower these partners to step into this parental role for themselves.
Habit #2: Not knowing what money represents to you and how you have encoded money stories
Money often represents very different things to two people in a relationship. Money can represent social status, power, freedom, self-worth, security, opportunities, control, and safety. This means when financially squeezed it can cause difficulties.
For example, if money represents freedom, then a lack of funds will cause you to feel trapped and anxious. Similarly, if money represents safety, then a lack of it will feel unsafe, causing you to feel afraid.
These beliefs about money have been shaped by our parents, extended families, and communities. We’ve absorbed their ways of saving, spending, planning, and fighting about money.
In a couple's relationship, each partner’s individual representations of money can cause a clash of money values putting great strain on the relationship.
Habit #3: Not understanding the vastly different experiences of fear or pleasure with money.
Fascinatingly, research has found that for people who are money savers, when they spend money the fear centres in their brains are triggered. This means that they are hard-wired to feel stress, fear, and anxiety frequently, as day-to-day life is expensive.
Can you see how this places enormous pressure on a couple's relationship?
Kevin’s fear centres would light up when Keisha spends their money, as his financial wellbeing is linked to hers and impacted by her spending. He would experience her as a threat and would go into survival mode.
This means his fight-or-flight response is mobilised causing a cascading response of increased adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormone) to surge through his body, and his heart rate and blood pressure to increase, as well as muscle tension.
On top of this, research has found that people who are spenders, like Keisha, are hard-wired for the opposite experience. Their reward centres go off, giving them a surge of dopamine, creating feelings of joy and elation.
No wonder Keisha is happy as anything with her luxury purchases and how she’d experience Kevin as a buzz-kill!
Habit #4: Avoiding awkward financial conversations.
NAB conducted a research study that revealed that for one in three Australians, money is the primary source of conflict in their relationship.
That’s a massive figure!
This shows why we all need to develop methods of discussing money in an emotionally secure manner.
The problem is that in many cultures, we’ve been trained not to talk about money as it’s deemed impolite. Money can be awkward to talk about, yet it’s critical to have these conversations especially where partners rely on each other financially.
We don’t always know how to have these conversations or what they entail. Gathering up expenses can also feel overwhelming. So, they’re deemed too confronting and exposing and therefore avoided.
Given the fact that 64 per cent of Australians are concerned and stressed about their finances, it’s critical to set up financial discussions.
My tip is to set aside 45 minutes monthly with your partner, turn off socials and be 100 per cent present.
Make a deal to enter financial conversations with a lack of judgement and openness to create safe boundaries. Discuss what money means to you both and how you’ve been shaped by experiences in childhood. Share your current concerns — especially those that keep you up at night.
Then you can work on the financial side gathering your incoming funds and outgoing expenses, so you can plan for your short and long-term goals.
Habit #5: Financial infidelity can lead to irreparable damage.
Financial infidelity is when you hide your financial activity from your partner. This could be hiding your spending, having a secret bank account or secret investments — really anything where you have an intentional layer of secrecy. Financial infidelity is highly damaging to relationships as it injects mistrust into the couple's dynamics.
Let’s revisit Keisha and Kevin. Keisha started to fear Kevin’s money discussions, where he was often annoyed with her expenditure. Recently Keisha had been hiding some of her expenses from Kevin as she didn’t want this judgement. When Kevin caught on, Keisha’s financial infidelity left him no longer trusting her like he used to.
It’s critical to always remain honest with one’s partner even if it’s exposing or awkward as otherwise it can damage the integrity of the relationship itself. We all need to come to the table as adults, removing any parent-child dynamics.
If you'd like to hear more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her website or catch her recent interview on Studio 10.
Can you relate to any of the above habits? Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below.
Feature image: Getty
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