Visiting people's homes for the first time is always a little thrilling in a weird kind of 'I swear I'm normal' way. It's just not as common these days to actually go to someone's house to hang out, so I'm always excited about it.
In this post-lockdown world we've become used to hosting events in large, spacious or public places. With so many people moving back in with parents or in share-houses, I wouldn't blame you for feeling like having people over might be more trouble than it's worth.
In fact, I'm pretty much the only person in my group of friends who actually hosts events at my home — and a pattern I'm starting to notice is that no one seems to know the cardinal rules of being a guest anymore.
In fact, there are a lot of social skills we're all a little lacking in, from navigating weddings to basic airplane travel rules. No shame, but living online (and losing two years to a pandemic) can do that to a person.
Fear not though, because Mamamia's Modern Australian Etiquette Guide is here to help. In this (sorely needed) series, we're outlining all the ways that we can be better friends, guests, and humans in general.
Now, let's discuss the do's and don'ts of visiting someone's home:
Don't be the person who arrives super early when no one is ready.
I know rocking up early can seem like a good idea if you want to show someone you're excited to see them, but the reality is they're probably frantically cleaning their house or getting dressed. It's annoying and awkward.
There is nothing more anxiety-inducing than hearing the doorbell ring when you still have one leg in your pants and a toothbrush in your mouth (this has happened to me), and the rush to look human and straighten out the living room in the three seconds it takes to get to the door is NOT fun.
Honestly, the best time to come to someone's house is 15 minutes after the time they gave you — it gives them time to relax and settle in before you arrive.
If you are going to be early, give warning and help tidy up.
Look, I get it, sometimes you miscalculate and arrive early. It happens. Try to shoot a text to let your host know, and if you get there before things are ready, don't just sit on your phone while they zoom around the place setting up. Offer a hand. And when they decline your help (as all polite hosts will), offer again — they probably need your help but are too gracious to ask for it.
Always be on time if there's food on the table.
If you are going to someone's house for dinner, I am literally begging you: PLEASE show up on TIME, and especially not late. There is so much effort that goes into putting a feast on the table, and nothing more disappointing than having to watch that food go cold because the person you made it for is running late.
Bring something — a snack, a drink, flowers, anything.
While there's not any harm in visiting someone's home empty handed — no one will be mad or disappointed — it's still just a nice gesture.
Like I said, having someone over can be strangely vulnerable because you're essentially showing people how you live and then inviting them into your sacred space. The mortifying ordeal of being known. What better way to mirror that earnestness than by bringing snacks, a drink, or even some $10 Woolies flowers to pop on the table while you chat?
Check to see if you need to take off your shoes.
Every time a guest walks into my house with their shoes on, my eye twitches. Yes, I have asked my guests to take their shoes off, and no, I'm not sorry.
I know not everyone has a no-shoes rule, but it's super common so always check. Similarly, if shoes are fine but there's parts of the home that have carpets or rugs, check again to make sure it's okay to wear your shoes on them. For a lot of people, this is a huge no-no.
Snooping through people's things is actually insane. Please don't.
I don't think I have ever been more shocked in my life than when I had someone over, went to the bathroom, and then when I came back I found them snooping through the drawers in my bedroom. Which they didn't think was wrong! What! The! Heck!
This is not a spy film and you are not undercover, please do not randomly go through people's things without their permission.
Cool knick-knacks or items on display are fair game.
While going through someone's private things is a no-no, going through the stuff they have on display is not only fine, but actively encouraged.
This stuff clearly means something to them, and they want people to look at them. Use book shelves and other displays as conversation starters, and feel free to touch/ask about those things.
Use the guest bathroom.
This seems obvious but please do not go into someone's bedroom and use their ensuite if they already have a main/guest bathroom that you can use. Trust me, you might find stuff lying around that you otherwise would not want to see. I have been traumatised by this before and those images are burned into my brain.
This might sound crazy but that hand towel? That's for drying hands.
If there is a choice between a hand towel and a bath towel to dry your hands in the bathroom, I promise you the right one to use is the hand towel next to the sink.
Again, this might seem obvious, but everyone always dries their hands on the bath towel hanging on the back of the door. Girl, I have wiped my freshly showered coochie with that thing. Do not touch it.
If you're hungry, ask for snacks — do not forage for them yourself.
Rifling through someone else's pantry is one of those things that some people are totally fine with, and others are at risk of a pulmonary embolism at the mere thought.
I make up the latter.
Sometimes there are certain foods in there that you aren't allowed to eat (school snacks for their kid or sibling, meal prep or snacks bought for a specific event, prescription diet foods, etc). Sometimes people don't want you to see those too-old leftovers in their fridge. And sometimes, you just don't want people going through your cupboards.
If you want a snack, please ask instead of assuming you can help yourself to whatever is in someone's fridge or pantry. It's just polite.
Coasters are there to be used.
If you notice someone has coasters on their coffee table or dining table, use them. That's why they are there. If there aren't any in sight but you've noticed the coffee/dining table is a gorgeous mahogany, then ask if you need to use one. Trust me, it's not worth risking the mortifying ordeal of having to confess you've left a steamy ring on their expensive wood.
Ask before bringing a friend.
Bringing a new friend to an outing at a bar or pub is cool — bringing them to someone's house? Not so much. If you want to add a plus-one when visiting someone's house, don't just assume they'll be welcome or that there will be a seat for them at the table. Make sure you check.
Or don't, if the host will be pressured to say yes.
Hosting is the ultimate people-pleasing role, and that means hosts often say yes to things they aren't comfortable with for the sake of their guests. If you're bringing an extra person who the host doesn't know, check, double check, and triple check that they are actually okay with this, and not just saying yes to be nice.
If the host is in the kitchen, keep them company.
Hosting is a lot of work, and you'll notice that the person whose home your visiting is often zooming around the place keeping everyone happy, fed and entertained. It's easy to get so caught up in that that they'll forget to have fun. So if you notice them spending way too much time tidying or cooking in the kitchen, follow them in and keep them company.
Offer to help cut up veggies.
While you're there, offer to help with simple tasks like cutting veggies or sorting the cheeseboard. It's a kind gesture and also means you two are spending time together, rather than having a weird waiter/customer dynamic.
If you notice the vibes are lacking, help out.
Sometimes, when hosts are too busy doing all the cooking/tidying, the rest of the guests are left to their own devices (quite literally) and then get a bit quiet and awkward. If you notice this happen, don't just scroll on your phone. Try to start a conversation or keep the vibes going. Trust me, the host will be super grateful that someone was in their corner.
Watch your alcohol intake.
There are few things as wretched as having your guest not know their limits, throw up all over your lounge, and then pass out (true story). Do not be that person.
Use a plate or napkin.
This one goes without saying, but use a plate or a napkin when eating crackers/cookies/cake and other crumbly things. Walking around with a cupcake in your hand will result in crumbs everywhere, and being messy is not polite.
Don't leave cups/plates lying around.
When you're done eating or drinking, instead of leaving plates and cups on the table/coffee table/cough/floor, pop them in the kitchen. It clears up space in the hangout area which keeps the vibes nice and not chaotic. And it also means no one is going to trip or knock over that glass you saw on haphazardly placed on the floor in between two seats.
Help with simple tidying.
Before you go, or after lunch/dinner, give your host a hand and load the dishwasher or clear away leftover food. It's an easy chore that your host will love you for, and the less time they spend on this stuff, the more time they spend with you.
Throw your rubbish in the bin.
This is in the same vein but it needs its own section because you'd be surprised at the amount of people who leave their used tissues, open wrappers and paper plates/cups around the house when they visit.
Take the hint.
This one is a hard one because it's different depending on the context and closeness you have to the person, but take the hint when it comes to going home.
If you're hanging out for morning coffee or lunch, chances are dinner plans are not included.
If you're there for dinner, and then your host is yawning and changing into their PJs, it's time to go home.
I once went to bed and my guests literally stayed well past when I fell asleep! Wild!
Be chill and have fun.
Often, going to someone's house can include things like playing games. Personally, in my house we are big fans of Mario Kart and Bananagrams, which are always whipped out when we have guests over.
Don't be that person who is super bossy and controlling on how games are played, who goes first, or what activities you do. It's the adult version of "I'm the guest, so I get to be player one" and is not cute.
At the end of the day, you're here to hang out and have some quality time together. Just go with it, and have fun.
Want more modern etiquette guides? Click below:
No one knows how to behave anymore, so Mamamia's Modern Etiquette Guide is here to help.
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