Modern Etiquette: The 38 things we all really need to stop doing at weddings.

There's one thing that's become alarmingly apparent in 2024: no one knows how to behave anymore.

And it's not our fault. After all, we were all basically locked inside for two years. (Remember that? Yep, we're trying to forget, too.)

So, in a bid to remind us all how to be human beings, Mamamia's Modern Australian Etiquette Guide is about to be your new best friend (or your worst nightmare… if you do a lot of these).

So strap yourself in, take notes and hear from our crack team of experts about the do's and oh-god-really-just-dont's we all need to be following.

First up, it's weddings — which is perfect because they're a cesspool of broken rules.

Watch: Speaking of weddings, here's some celebrity first dance songs. Post continues below.

So let's get into it… and just for fun we've split it up into the happy couple and the wedding guests.

The wedding guests.

Bridesmaids don't have to give a wedding gift.

2. Wearing white just makes you a bit of a d**k.

If you've ever bumped your head a wee bit hard and thought it was okay to wear white to a wedding, it's not.

"Whether you think it's a silly tradition or not, just don't. Do not wear white to a wedding (unless of course, the couple asks you to). There is a literal rainbow of other colours to choose from," said Amy Parfett, founder of WedShed.

"We all know it's a potentially taboo thing to show up to a wedding wearing white and while most of us follow the unwritten rule, it still boggles the mind when people do it."

"This etiquette applies to very light tones of cream and beige. Basically, if it looks white at a squint, pick another outfit."

1. Asking for a plus one is a criminal offence.

"The old saying 'there's no harm in asking' doesn't really translate in a wedding context I'm afraid," said Parfett.

"Trust us when we say that the couple will have put a lot of thoughtful consideration into their guest list, largely grounded in budgetary constraints and the strength of relationships. So while it's tempting to ask if your new partner can come, we'd gently advise you not to. It never feels good to say no to people, so try to avoid putting the couple in that position."

Proposing at someone else's wedding is an ick. It's not your moment.

We don't really need to explain this one.

Gifts are not essential but a card 100 per cent is.

While gifts aren't always necessary (depending on what's specified on the invite and whether it's a destination wedding) a card is compulsory. If you rock up to a wedding and don't even bring a card, just know that the couple will always remember it.

"Listen to the couple's request on the invite and follow their lead. In saying that, I don't think I have ever seen anyone angry that they DID receive a gift. I think a card and kind words also go a long way," celebrant Bree Amer told Mamamia.

Breaking the dress code is shady.

"Always, always respect it. A reminder — it's their party — if they want everyone to come dressed in Star Wars cosplay then you're gratefully accepting the challenge when you RSVP 'Will be there with bells and lightsabers on'," Parfett said.

"Personally, I love a dress code. As a wardrobe-indecisive person, I see it as a lovely set of guardrails to help the decision-making process. If it's a dress code where I know it's unlikely I'll wear the outfit again, I'll borrow or hire something for the occasion," she added.

Fill up the seats.

"I can't stress this enough," said Amer. "No matter how many times we ask people to, they don't and the couple are left looking at empty seats. I know we are all trying to be polite selfless people, but as long as the front row is there for family, and there isn't a reserved sign- please, I beg you... sit down!"

RSVP on time.

Goodness. No one wants to be that person the couple are chasing and chasing when they already have eleven million other things to do.

Don't complain about destination weddings.

So, it's a destination wedding. And you can't go because it's too expensive/you don't have any annual leave left/you have that thing on around the same time. One thing you shouldn't do in this instance is complain to the couple who have chosen that style of wedding. It's entirely their decision.

Plus, they probably want to cut numbers and you might be one of them.

Bringing your children unannounced is… wild.

Bringing your children when the invite says 'no children' can completely throw off all the logistics of table settings and food. But it does happen more than you think.

Parfett said asking to bring kids when the invite clearly states that it's a 'respectfully adults-only event' is a big no.

"Please don't put this pressure on the couple. Understand that if the couple makes the exception for you, they feel obligated to make the exception for all their friends and family with children, which often blows out budgets and the guest capacity at their venue," she said.

"The caveat here is newborns — it's acceptable to ensure the happy couple understand that new babies need their parents, especially if mum is breastfeeding. You can remind them that most of the time, they're sleeping or feeding anyway."

Be sneaky about being late.

Amer said, "Sneak in quietly and apologise later in the evening. Things happen, everyone understands that. Just don't make a grand entrance, slip in up the back. Unless of course you are immediate family... then lets be real, you are in trouble!"

Resist the urge to take a blurry photo during the ceremony.

If the couple request an unplugged ceremony, respect it. Put your phone away. Unless you are the one person who has been designated by the couple to take one photo during the ceremony, do not stand in the aisle with your iPad and take photos. We're looking at you, Aunty Shirley.

As Amer told us, "The couple have paid thousands of dollars for professional photographers to capture the moment, and let's be honest their photos will be much better than yours!"

"Some of my favourite photos of wedding ceremonies are of the guests reacting to the couple and what is going on. Unfortunately, if everyone has their phones out you lose these moments and just have professional photos of a sea of iPhones. I have seen people stand up in the aisle mid-ceremony with an iPad. I wish I was joking."

If the baby cries, get them TF out of there.

Equally, if you've brought your child or baby and it starts crying during the ceremony or a heartfelt speech — kindly get TF out of there and take the baby outside/to another room.

"Take your kids for a walk in they are not feeling the ceremony, and want to make some noise. It's a big expectation on little people to stay still and quite for that long. So just be prepared to take them for a little wander," said Amer.

Do not, under any circumstances, sit there and try to console your baby for the next 30 minutes. The baby will keep crying and everyone will just be pi**ed at you.

A name card should never be moved.

Omg, don't even. We know you'd prefer to sit next to your mate rather than the groom's weird cousin, but just… don't. The cards are there for a reason and you'll stuff everything up the minute you try to do the old switcheroo — dietaries, vibes, everything. So, DON'T TOUCH. JUST SIT.

The bride does not need to hear about your dry chicken.

Did someone accidentally receive salmon instead of chicken? A bridesmaids dress ripped?? The bride doesn't need to hear it.

To make sure unnecessary requests or problems don't pop up and get passed on to bride, the bridal party should always have a run sheet of the wedding for this very reason. Don't ask questions and use your initiative.

Get on the dance floor.

Be the vibe and get the HECK out on that dance floor. Don't just sit at your table and look bored. As Amer reminded us, "Have a good time! Be the best wedding guests ever. Bring your dancing legs and make some memories!"

Weddings don't need your feedback.

The day is done. No changes can be made. There's no use complaining to the bride and groom about the food, the DJ, the bar tab, literally ANYTHING. It's just an a*shole move. This includes complaining about the weather!

Amer said, "Don't complain about absolutely anything! The couple have spent months, sometimes years planning every detail of this day with the hopes of giving themselves and you a great time. Be gracious."

The couple.

The wishing well is dead.

People don't want to go to the ATM to get cash in 2024 and giving gifts is so out, it's back in again. Plus, you'll get the added surprise of actually getting a surprise (not counting cash like a drug lord on your hotel bed after the reception).

Parfett said the no gift thing is particularly true when it comes to destination weddings. "Everyone — including the couple — understand that attending a destination wedding typically incurs a significant expense (travel, accommodation, food and drinks locally — on top of your usual wedding-relation expenses like an outfit)," she said.

"Many couples will explicitly say on their invites that 'your presence is the best present of all' — take them at their word if gift-giving is going to set you back financially.

"We see a growing number of couples use the gift registry Gravy for this reason, as not only can they gather gift funds but they can actually ask guests for gifts of 'human time and good deeds' (like dog-sitting or a garden working bee) — stuff that won't cost guests a cent."

Being late to your own wedding kills the vibe.

Don't be "fashionably late"," said Amer. "Anywhere between five to ten minutes is acceptable, but anything beyond that is rude. If guests are waiting 30-plus minutes for the ceremony to start, I find it kills the vibe."

Syncing the song to your entrance won't work. Trust us.

Speeches are not a comedy routine.

Bring your BCE (AKA Big Couple Energy).

"This is the best tip I can give anyone getting married," said Parfett.

"It took us almost a decade to really recognise a pattern — that the couples who seemed to have the most fun, raw, joyful celebrations all came into their wedding day buzzing with excitement. They went with the flow, they laughed all day, they were generous with loving words and compliments."

"Even — in fact, especially — if they're tired, it's bucketing down, they're dealing with family dynamics, the cake didn't make it. Because energy transfers."

"If you can consciously set aside your worries, muster in gratitude around the fact that you're about to wed the love of your life and plaster on a huge smile, you will radiate infectious, sparkling, love-filled energy and everyone around you will mirror it back to you."

"Give big hugs. Be as present as you can be on the day. Kiss your partner a ridiculous number of times. Go nuts on your dancefloor."

You're not allowed to be offended if people decline your destination wedding.

Equally, if you have a destination wedding you absolutely cannot get p*ssed when people can't afford to attend. It's always expensive, and something you should always take into consideration when you decide to have a destination wedding in the first place.

If you have a destination wedding… kids have to be invited.

If you're having a destination wedding, don't request that no children attend. If you're firm on requesting no children, just don't be surprised or upset if the guests don't come. Good babysitters are hard — and expensive — to find.

If you have a destination hen's party you cannot have a destination wedding.

Sorry. It's just the rules.

Sex stories in wedding speeches are a hard no.

Singing is strictly prohibited during speeches.

If the bride or groom sings a song during the speeches, it had better be comedic. No eyes-closed ballads about how Your Heart Will On. It's awkward, cringey and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Please and thank you.

Writing a thank you speech is a very good idea.

No one wants to know about you shredding to the extreme.

Do not play the Macarena.

Enforcing a black-tie dress code is cruel.

Black Tie dress code, in this economy? No. I will be wearing a cocktail dress at best.

1. Do all the reception formalities as early as you can.

Always ask guests for dietaries more than once.

The people, they don't listen. As shitty as it is, you're going to have to check and check again. Maybe even THRICE. As Rouvray told us, "Ask three times for dietary requirements because on mass people get stupider and they don't read."

Otherwise, your partner's random cousin will sit there and not eat because they're allergic to shellfish or don't like the taste of cheese. So, get it out of the way and deal with it sooner rather than on the day.

1. Share your vows with the celebrant beforehand.

Do this! It's a very smart move. Especially if you're both quite rogue. Rouvray said, "Share your vows with the celebrant before hand so they can make sure one hasn't gone for lols and one is sentimental."

Have a 'drink captain'.

3. Let the newborn babies come.

Don't be the person who tells a breastfeeding mother she can't bring her six-week-old newborn to your wedding.

You need to know everyone at the wedding — or they get no invite.

The bride or groom can't invite someone that the other person hasn't met. Yes, even if it's your partner's cousin.

Because neither the guest or the couple wants to have to introduce themselves to someone at their own wedding. It's weird and awkward.

Try not to forget why you're there.

"Getting caught up in the spectacle of the day, and forgetting what it is actually about. Or worrying too much about what everyone else wants, rather than what would make the two of you happy. There are so many expectations put on people these days, so I think it's really important to keep a check on what is important to you," said Amer.

Hear, hear.

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