This post deals with miscarriage and might be triggering for some readers.
Without a doubt, the first four months of 2020 have been some of the hardest of my life. While currently living in an unknown world, away from our families, friends and usual support networks – my coping mechanisms and mental health have been pushed to their absolute limits.
Something I have been managing for the better part of the last 10 years has now become one of the biggest challenges of my life. I know the drill – I am doing all the things and feeling all the feels – but, my goodness, this is tough.
Literally weeks prior to the strict COVID-19 lockdowns, at almost 10 weeks pregnant, I suffered a miscarriage.
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Unfortunately for me, this was what is known as a ‘missed miscarriage’, meaning my body still thought it was pregnant although the pregnancy had stopped progressing, in our case, just after the nine-week mark.
This meant I had to undergo a surgical procedure to prevent an unexpected haemorrhage. It was extremely traumatic for us both.
I had been in a six-month relationship with a man I had known for 10 years, at this stage. What should have bought is closer together – literally tore us apart. Without any warning and whilst I was still actively miscarrying, he left me.
To say I was in shock was an understatement.
I loved this man and trusted him implicitly. He knew of my previous trauma due to my ex-husband and I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him.
He too reciprocated as I was the first person he let intimately into his and his children’s life since the passing of his wife – their mother, three and a half years prior.
It was a very deep relationship based on trust and mutual respect. We were navigating multifaceted layers, but we were getting there day by day.
My falling pregnant is not something I intentionally chose to do, nor did I do it alone. Yet now, I felt punished for it.
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I am saddened beyond belief that I am now left to manage the consequences both physically and emotionally of an unplanned pregnancy – plus the demise of our relationship so soon after, on my own.
I knew it would challenge us, but I believed, and he led me to believe, we would be okay. I honestly thought we would get through it together, one day at a time like we had previously done. It is so upsetting to know that all of a sudden, I wasn’t worth fighting for anymore and that I hold no value to him.
I am not sure how to navigate this bit alone. Managing a miscarriage alone is isolating.
I have no one to turn to, to hold me and let me know it is going to be okay. It’s horrible.
The grief I feel associated with feeling abandoned to deal with it all by myself at times is overwhelming. My pain is compounded by everyone thinking I am being irrational and emotional for no reason at all. The narrative has been changed to my detriment.
The recommended practices for grieving or recovering from a relationship breakdown are not available to me.
We are in one of the world’s deadliest pandemics.
I have been allowed to got out of my house for work, grocery shopping and to exercise. I can go for a walk with a friend and I can video call for a chat but I can’t get one hug. I have no one to cry to and express my grief. I can’t go to a friend’s house, the movies or out to dinner for a distraction.
Instead, I need to sit in my grief alone and practise self-care. I need to heal my broken heart and aching soul – alone. I need to grieve the loss of my partner who I adored simultaneously with the loss of our pregnancy in isolation with barely a handful of people knowing my truth.
This experience is harrowing. No matter how hard I try, I know this is truly going to be a very long and winding road.
If this has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637.
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