This is not what it normally looks like when you meet your ex's new girlfriend.

There are a lot of ways meeting your ex’s new girlfriend might go down. Bright orange drink on her crisp white dress; open palm to her perfectly made up face; diving under the table and pretending it’s not happening, are all very possible (very understandable) reactions to the gut wrenching scenario of meeting your ex’s new partner.

No matter your preferred method of violence, passive aggressive superiority or downright denial, there’s one way it’s never meant to go down.

It’s not meant to look like this:

Or like this:

No, that's not Kate Beckinsale (actress and mother of Michael Sheen's daughter) preparing to give Sarah Silverman (comedian, writer and Michael Sheen's current girlfriend) a twist of the earlobe.

It is, in fact, her preparing to do just this:

IS THIS REAL LIFE??

I don't know if Sheen is smiling out of blissful harmony or sheer terror.

Because, as every other ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, and new-girlfriend on the planet would attest to, this is not the 'normal'  reaction to an ex-meeting-new-girlfriend introduction.

Unpopular opinion: it might be the normal reaction to an ex-meeting-new-girlfriend introduction when it occurs on the red carpet, in front of a swarm of paparazzi... Or maybe that's me being cynical and they really are the three best of friends...

Either way, in a run-of-the-mill, this-actually-is-real-life situation, where you are gearing up to meet your ex's new girlfriend for the first time, there are several stages you have to go through.

First up: the (highly objective) detective work.

Is there someone new on the scene? Who are they? She can't be as funny as me, surely? She has a really lame Instagram feed...

Then you have the anticipation.

Will they be there? Will she be holding his hand (he HATES that, I know that he hates that)? What will she wear? What should I wear? 

Then there's the inevitable pep talk.

You can do this. You're the bigger person (even though there is nothing to suggest the new girlfriend is NOT a big person - you actually don't know anything about her - that's beside the point).

You are such a STRONG person, and you're not going to let this phase you. You are NOT going to be sarcastic, or rude, or pull her hair. You are actually going to approach THEM first. See how mature you are? 

Finally there's the confrontation

Where.... Well, all of the above pep talk? Goes completely and utterly out the window.

You don't know what you said, you don't know what your facial expressions were doing... All you know is you had to stand very, very still, so your strongest foot (clad in kick-ass, ex-girlfriend stilettos, of course) didn't inadvertently step on her perfectly manicured toenails.

Maybe one day. When you're grey and old. You might be able to be in the same room as your ex's new girlfriend (same room, not same breathing circle). Maybe you might smile at her (and then pretend you're actually smiling at the person behind her). Maybe you might even trade recipes, or memories, or laughs.

It is possible. You can be the bigger person. And her Instagram feed really isn't that lame.

But even if it happens... It's still not going to look like this:

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