To catch up on all the Married at First Sight recaps and gossip, check out the MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.
Jesse is visiting Claire in her freshly saged apartment, with coffee, a beanie and a (fake) wedding ring on the correct finger.
It is making me WEAK.
I LOVE THEM. THEY ARE SO CUTE AND I REALLY HOPE THEY STAY FOREVER (and by forever I mean another four weeks or whatever. This show simply cannot go on any longer than that because I AM TIRED).
Everyone else is talking through the mess of the previous night's dinner party, where Rupert's bum caused major carnage.
Bronte and Harrison are doubting the butt-dial story, which... okay fine, if I think about the logistics of a butt-dial in 2023 it does seem fishy. Does Rupert's bum know his passcode? Does it look strikingly like his face and therefore work with face ID? Is he an absolute psychopath and DOES NOT HAVE A LOCK ON HIS PHONE?
It's better if we don't get answers. I'm simply too deep into my Rupert's bum jokes to go back now.
Either way, Dan and Hugo both admitted to talking sh*t about their wives so there was still drama to be had. Arse or no arse.
Rupert tells Evelyn her f***ing sh*t up was super attractive to him, and she says he having her back while she was f***ing sh*t up was super attractive to her.
Look at these two thriving off the drama. I love that for them, but mostly for us.
Tayla and Hugo are living in separate apartments, with separate beds, which is terrible for their relationship but great for Hugo's back.
Tayla says she has absolutely been called a "f***ing c***" before and this is a fact I present without comment.
"All of my exes are d*ckheads," she says. "The only difference is when they called me a f***ing c*** it was to my face and Hugo couldn't do that. Instead, he said it to all of the boys."
I'd honestly prefer to just not be called a "f***ing c***" at all, but each to their own.
Sandy says she doesn't feel great about her relationship with Dan and that makes sense, given... everything.
She's upset that if she leaves the experiment, she won't ever know if his apology was sincere (it wasn't) or if she'll ever see him again (sounds like a win to me).
Meanwhile, Dan is wearing activewear and drinking another protein shake. So yeah. He's cut up too.
It is commitment ceremony time and John Aiken warns that the experts will hold a mirror up to all the couples.
First up are my sweet darling angels, Claire and Jesse.
Jesse is so happy with the effort Claire made this week that he has learnt the name of the pretty rock she gave him as a gift. This is the same man who considered crystals the greatest ick on earth just a few weeks ago. The growth! It's immense!
"I felt prioritised, I felt considered. She made me feel wanted. Yeah, I feel worthy," he says.
Mel asks if he's been able to forgive Claire and HE SAYS HE HAS AND HE LIKES HER THE MOST EVER.
They've also been kissing and Lyndall is so me right now:
They both choose to stay.
THESE CRAZY KIDS HAVE TURNED IT AROUND AND I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM.
OH NO.
Wipe your tears and get your swear words ready because Sandy and Dan are next.
Dan apologises again for being disrespectful towards Sandy during his night out with ~the boyz~, while Evelyn groans from the audience.
But even before those revelations, they were not doing well. Especially on account of them sleeping together and then Dan spending 90 per cent of his day in Beast Mode™ at the gym.
HOLD UP.
DAN TOLD SANDY SEX 'MADE HER TOO EMOTIONAL'.
Alessandra is like 'OH HELL NO'.
"Last week here on the couch, Daniel," she says WITH HIS FULL NAME. OH SHE MEANS BUSINESSSSSSSS.
"You said that you were not sexually attracted to Sandy... so how did you become sexually attracted to her overnight?"
Then, groan, Dan starts talking about - say it with me, friends! - "lifestyle differences".
WE GET IT. YOU WORKOUT. THAT'S NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT.
This time, he simply cannot ignore the fact that he loves the beach and Sandy doesn't.
Melinda tells him to go swimming with his mates and TRUST ME MELINDA, HE DOES. WINK WINK. WE'VE SEEN THE SPOILERS.
"Dan, a key ingredient to a healthy relationship is not the love of an ocean," John Aiken says.
This fact shakes Dan to his core:
Dan insists he's gotten involved in Sandy's interests, like putting on noise cancelling headphones when she watches Bollywood films.
WAIT.
F***ING HARRISON.
He whispers about how he could have the same values as a 70-year-old woman but that wouldn't mean he'd be matched with her. Maybe he should've been, so that 70-year-old woman could see right through his gaslighting POS attitude and read him for filth.
Just sayin'.
Unsurprisingly, Dan writes leave because he only came on the show to find someone he could show off like a trophy at the beach who would give up their entire personality to become a part of his. Sandy writes leave because she's far too good for him.
She offers him a few parting words: "I still wish you had seen beyond just the external and really gotten to know me, because I think you really would've liked the person".
YUPPPP.
Evelyn, Rupert and Rupert's dramatic butt go next. They are doing well after being brought closer by the drama of his arse, but also their flirty banter and taking the p*ss out of each other, so choose to stay.
Next, Bronte tells the experts that Harrison showing compassion and empathy for her by fake crying over how hard her period pain was for him last week means a lot to her, and the bar truly is on the floor.
Harrison says he introduced Bronte to his son over the weekend, and Mel gives the most shady, shocked, unenthused "oh, that is massive" ever uttered.
They pretend they are falling for each other and at this point, we all know they're gaming the system for Z-list status, right? They are terrible actors, but unfortunate choices must be made in the pursuit of TV ratings and influencer careers.
They stay. Everyone groans.
As they swap seats with Melinda and Layton, Harrison mutters about how they "talk sh*t on the couch every week".
They both reckon they're good and John tries to pretend he knows what it's like to be in a boardroom.
He then calls Harrison out for whispering in the back of the class, but unfortunately not also every single other thing he's ever done. Sigh. Baby steps.
He says Layton doesn't seem happy and he doesn't buy their story.
Whatever. Shush.
Eventually, Melinda admits that they both struggle to compromise or give in, which gives her fear for their future. But they're both willing to put in the work, so they both choose to stay.
Thank God because a MAFS without Melinda's scathing criticism of sh*tty men is not a MAFS I want to watch.
Speaking of! She won't let Harrison interrupt their couch time without letting us all know she hates him too!
Obviously, Tahnee and Ollie are disgustingly cute. What's new? They both stay.
It's Lyndall and Cam's turn, and they might be over #HugGate but they're not over... Cam's mum thinking Lyndall is an insecure attention seeker. Honestly, fair.
(Also LET'S STOP PANNING TO TAYLA SMILING WHILE CAM SPEAKS I DON'T HAVE CAPACITY FOR ANOTHER CHEATING SCNDAL UNTIL AT LEAST, IDK, MAYBE WEDNESDAY?)
It takes John mentioning it for Cam to realise why telling Lyndall that his mum was talking sh*t about her was perhaps not a great idea. He says something about skinning a cat and I feel nauseous.
Anyway. They both choose to stay so Cam can learn how to tell Lyndall mean things his mum says in a nicer way.
It's Alyssa and Duncan's turn, which is a shame because the highlight of this episode has been Alyssa's reaction to other people's problems.
Her reacting to her own problems to less fun.
She's still wondering why Hot King Duncan would want to be with a single mum with baggage, even though he's never given her any actual reason to worry.
Hot King Duncan tells her he's excited to see what their life looks like in the real world and this man has to have a flaw? Somewhere? Anywhere????? HELP.
They both choose to stay, obviously, because very rarely, this trash fire gives us something good.
What a segue! It's back to trash fire time!
The final couple up are Tayla and Hugo, who says he's not been having a good week. Calling your wife a "f***ing c***" leads to bad weeks, as it turns out. Who knew?
He says he conducted himself poorly with ~the boyz~, but that he still feels like he wishes he'd been matched with literally any other woman on earth.
WAIT.
WE'RE ABOUT TO SCRUTINISE THE BUTT-DIAL.
"I just don't know how a butt-dial gets through facial ID [and] a lock screen on an iPhone," Hugo says.
Neither. But I'm choosing to believe in the power of Rupert's bum. It's just more fun that way.
Rupert says it p*sses him off that people aren't just owning the sh*t they said - which they have admitted to saying, butt-dial or no butt-dial.
HARRISON STARTS TALKING AND CAN WE STOP! GIVING! HIM! ATTENTION!
John is like... okay but he still called his wife a "f***ing c***"?!
Ah, John 'bloody legend' Aiken! Always a voice of reason! I am so glad I have never ever doubted this man's ability to make astute observations and offer sound advice!
DON'T YOU DARE SEND ME LINKS THAT SHOW OTHERWISE.
John says it's possible to vent frustrations without calling others "f***ing c***s", and I tend to agree.
But we also have to talk about the patterns.
Of Tayla talking about how much she hates Hugo.
John asks if anyone besides the fake husband she hates gave her a kiss on the cheek at the dinner party and every man in the room says they did.
Tayla isn't bothered by physical affection from them, however.
So now Hugo is confused because he can't kiss her on the cheek or call her a "f***ing c***" to ~the boyz~. Where to from here?
Tayla insists she does like Hugo, despite appearing to completely and utterly despise him on a cellular level.
"Why am I getting the bad rap right now?" she queries. Especially since she's been nice to Hugo recently, by... letting him choose what they eat for dinner.
Hugo says that he's "flailing around, terrified" and TAYLA LAUGHS.
She thinks he's putting on an act, and if so he's a much better actor than Mr AI-generated Red Flag over on the other side of the room.
"Well, there's clearly work to be done here," Mel finally sighs.
NOW I AM LAUGHING.
TO SAY THAT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
Tayla writes leave, but Hugo wrote stay to make amends for his c-bomb. That was before, uh, all of this, however.
"I'm going back to Tassie," Tayla exclaims.
John tries to explain his rule of forcing someone to stay in the public humiliation bubble against their will, but Tayla storms out of the room. Never to be seen again.
Lol jk she's in tomorrow's promo.
SEE YOU THEN.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
- Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The most dramatic butt-dial OF ALL TIME.
Feature image: Channel Nine.
Top Comments