Um.
Hi.
We need to talk about a man named Kev.
Except, well, it's actually not a man, it's a new oral sex technique, and it's not actually called Kev, it's called Kivin (like Kevin in a Kiwi accent).
(But now you'll never be able to dissociate Big Kev from oral sex and we think that's hilarious.)
We actually have no idea why it's named so, but that's BESIDE THE POINT.
Kivin's popping by with a box of Cadbury favourites to help you orgasm, nay, climax, within three minutes.
It's real and it's science.
Here's what you need to O:
(...I'll show myself out.)
Just like the perfect Instagram selfie, it's all about angles.
And what better way to describe how to achieve this magic sexy angle than using a taco?
A tasty, tasty taco.
A man on Reddit (we didn't realise men on Reddit knew about vaginas, but anyway) described the position as "a taco lying flat on its base rather than standing upright" and oh, WE UNDERSTAND.
We are very across the engineering of a taco, thank you very much.
...We eat them a lot.
So basically, the, um, benefactor, approaches your lady bits side-on, rather than between the legs, and voila.
Kivin in numbers, because nothing's sexier than maths.
According to sex experts, Kivin has helped 60 per cent of women experience a faster and more intense orgasm.
Most women climax within three minutes when they meet Kivin.
And how many times has that happened to us before?
Um, zero.
There's a bit of work involved.
Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Love Honey, explained the ins and outs of the new technique to Cosmopolitan.
Here's your training manual:
"They need to place the index finger and thumb either side of the clitoris to raise and steady it, and then instead of licking up and down the vulva, you are going from side to side - straight across the clitoral hood," Annabelle said.
"This helps to stimulate a wider area of the clitoris than conventional methods usually used," she added.
"The giver should also press a finger on the perineum (the area between the vagina and the anus, in case you had to Google that which I totally didn't) and when their partner is approaching orgasm, move their tongue from the side-on angle to the head of the clitoris."
So, take note, it's actually three new variations: "side-on approach, hand position and licking across the the clitoral hood."
Annabelle also added:
"I am naturally wary of any new sex technique promising three-minute orgasms. But what is exciting about Kivin is that it encourages experimentation and stimulation of alternative erogenous zone.
"My advice is to give it a try - it may well work for you, but if it doesn't it will still take you to exciting new places as a couple."
Thank you. We will.
People have tried it and they definitely approve.
One man on Reddit (which we will continue to be surprised about) gave it a whirl and very kindly reported back his findings.
"After a little awkwardness feeling out the right positioning for me and for her leg, as well as working out what to do with my hands, she was soon responding very positively," he said.
"She came within about five minutes of me finding the rhythm and best hand position!
"This was definitely a big change - I often go 15-20 minutes and have her teetering on the edge without managing to get her to come.
"So basically I'm recommending trying it if you're looking for a new oral technique for her."
He also gave us a few more details on how it all went down (ha) which we are grateful for, but also now we know about his wife's anal sphincter which we probably could have lived without but OK:
"The other hand is supposed to feel for muscle contractions at, and apply light pressure to, the perineum. My wife found that unpleasant, but I soon found that gently pressing my finger against her anal sphincter worked really well!"
We are happy for you both.
Well, that's it.
Now go forth and climax.
In the words of Big Kev himself: we're excited.