The first time Sasha* attended a kink party, she couldn't have been more apprehensive. A couple of hours after she arrived, however, she found herself living out a fantasy in the middle of a bedroom in a grand house that had been converted for the occasion.
"It was the first time I'd been watched by a lot of people," says the 40-year-old management consultant with a passion for Shibari, the Japanese form of rope bondage. "There were probably 20 people watching me be tied up. I think at first I felt a little self-conscious, but then I just closed my eyes and really relaxed into the moment, and I just had a really beautiful experience."
Sasha had always explored kink with her partners, but when her last relationship ended, she wanted to find a way to continue her journey.
Watch: The Mamamia Team share the weirdest places they've had sex. Post continues after video.
"I'd really found a sense of peace and surrender in Shibari, and when we broke up, I didn't want my exploration of that to end," she says.
"I had a friend that had been in the kink scene for about 10 years, and she was a really helpful mentor for me."
"I was very nervous," Sasha continues, "but even before you go, a lot of these parties require you to be interviewed or vetted before you get an invite. You also need to be aware of all the rules."
The rules, it turns out, were part of what impressed Sasha so much.
"The night before I had been at a gig, where everyone had just been disgustingly drunk and sloppy. We kept getting groped, everyone was super aggressive and handsy, and it was just gross."
"That was on Friday," says Sasha. "On Saturday, we showed up at the party - and a lot of these parties are actually alcohol and drug-free because it impacts your ability to consent, which I really love. You can perhaps bring your own, have a drink or two, but it's really not about getting out of it."
There were more specific rules, too.
"If someone is collared, it means they're someone's submissive, and you're not supposed to speak to them," Sasha explains. "If people are performing a scene, you can't interrupt - you can watch, but you can't insert yourself into it. Another rule was, you know, don't yuck, someone's yum. It's a non-judgmental environment, so you'll see things there that you probably aren't a fan of or that aren't for you, and that's okay. But refrain from judging people."
From the moment Sasha arrived at the party, everyone was invested in making sure she had a good time.
"I bought a leather dress and some fish nets, and I did my makeup, but another thing about these parties is that you arrive dressed normally, and then there's a change room. It was a big house, in a location I won't share to respect the privacy of the community.
"It had a red carpet arrival, and there were two or three people on the door who checked your name, checked your ticket, gave you a bit of intro, and then there was someone that walked you through the establishment and told you where everything was. We walked into a change room area where all the bags are kept, and left our phones behind. There was a performance area, a dance floor, and then there were heaps of different rooms, separated by kink. One of the rooms was for Shibari, there were spaces for impact play like spanking or flogging, places for restraint, places for couples to just play as well as a few different bedrooms, and I just spent the start of the night, kind of wandering around, just taking it in. I watched an impact scene with two dominants and a submissive, so she was restrained to a table and being flogged. And much to my surprise, she squirted and orgasmed from the activity."
As surprising as this scene may have been to Sasha, it was only the beginning.
"I had a man come up to me with metal claws on - kind of like Wolverine, but smaller," she continues.
"He asked: 'Are you interested in feeling this sensation?' He asked if I was OK with him touching me, and told me if anything made me uncomfortable to use my safe word, or if it's too much or I don't like it just to let him know. And I just thought to myself how nice it was to have someone ask me about my boundaries, to ask me for permission to touch me."
For Sasha, this mutual respect and curiosity is at the heart of what makes kink appealing.
"My overwhelming feeling from that first night was actually just feeling really happy," Sasha recalls. "I just felt really happy that people had spaces to explore their curiosities. All their weirdness was on full display, but it was so welcomed."
"There's a lot of misconceptions around kink being really dark and dangerous," Sasha says, "and I'm not trying to dispute that there is that subsection of it. People can use it as a way to find vulnerable people because vulnerable people can be attracted to kink, as can people who've experienced trauma—they can recreate it in kink. But you know, there's this other complete flip side of people who are so respectful of consent and safety. That's the overwhelming majority."
Listen to the Sealed Section where sexologist Chantelle listener questions about exploring new things in a long-term relationship and how to know if you're enjoying some kinky practices you're not sure about. Post continues after podcast.
Feeling emboldened to seek out another experience, Sasha found herself in the Shibari room.
"It was filled with people doing Shibari, and I walked in there very nervously and asked if one of them would be comfortable tying up a newbie."
One man said he would be, and took Sasha to the couch to have a discussion about the process, and what this meant to both of them.
"So for him, Shabari is not sexual, it's just something he really enjoys," Sasha explains.
"We just had what we call a negotiation. We sat down and talked about any injuries, how I'd like to feel, do I want to feel stretched or compressed? He outlined how we can communicate around pain if something was uncomfortable.
"Some people use systems like the traffic light system, but this man explained that the traffic light system doesn't tell him where he needs to change something, so he told me he just wanted me to be very direct - like, 'my leg feels uncomfortable here'. I just felt really relieved, and it created a sense of safety to be able to just relax into it because I knew someone knew my boundaries and they weren't going to cross them."
This, Sasha says, was how she found herself tied up in front of a room full of 20 onlookers.
"From that moment, I knew I'd found my kind of people," she smiles.
Read more of our articles about Sex:
- SEX DIARIES: ‘I went to a fetish sex club for the first time. We did it in the middle of the bar.’
- 'I can't orgasm without being dominated. I'm worried my fetish has ruined my sex life.'
- SEX DIARIES: 'I love her whispered moans.' I get off on having sex in the same room as my bestie.
Feature image: Getty.
Double Trouble
Everyone Has An Ex