This week, Kim Kardashian posted a series of photos of her home. It made me recoil in response.
Not because everything is hundreds of thousands of dollars out of my price range, or because every photo looks like it was handpicked from Patrick Bateman's house.
But because... it was ridiculous.
Watch: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West quiz each other on home design. Post continues after video.
Let me show you.
So we start with an ordinary photo... of a mug. And what jumps out to me (and the rest of the internet) is how bad the photo is. Why is the cup... on an angle? Why is it the colour of grey water? Where is the ugly logo planted on the middle of it? Why the f**k do I care so much?
Next up is her lounge room. Or her therapist's office space. You decide.
There's a futuristic fireplace that could very much also be some dead space that Kim's builders forgot to take into account when building the house. And tiny holes in the ceiling where the lights should be.
I also can't forget to mention the methodical vacuum lines in the carpet every mother froths over, but this time I'm pretty sure that's just how the $60,000 (don't quote me on that price) rug is supposed to look all the time.
On the plus side, this is probably the cosiest space in Kimmy's house! On the downside, this is probably the cosiest space in Kim's house?!
This likely wouldn't be a Kim Kardashian post if there wasn't some very unnatural product placement snuck in there somewhere - and in this series of photos, we get to see her SKKN collection.
I don't give a sh*t though because what is THAT in the background?
For some reason, Kim didn't want to go with a grey brick wall for her bathroom view, which is a fascinating choice considering her entire home is basically a big cream wall. But we'll ignore that little fact because that is... an entire wall of pampas grass.
And she should really remove that immediately because that is a fire hazard and you live in California, sweetie.
Oh god. There's more of it. And it's even uglier up close.
I'm also not a fan of this seat, mostly because I don't think it is a seat.
Does my butt go in that or my face? Is this supposed to replace armchairs? How much does this COST?
Next up is a light I'm too poor to even logically process. Albeit, it is beautiful. From my understanding, it's also a flex to own since it's reportedly a $1.1 million James Turrell wall artwork.
Kim then takes us to bizarrely the least intimate (but most important) room in her entire house. Of course, it's the bedroom. The main bedroom. Her pièce de résistance, if you will.
And it terrifies me.
Firstly, her bed fits three pillows without overlap and that arguably says more about her bank account than anything else ever could.
In other important news though, I can see Kim's air vents and the problem is, I simply don't want to see that in your million dollar luxury abode. Remove them immediately, pls.
We're not done yet though, because there is one more brilliant photo I need to touch on and it's what the internet is calling The Slash. For very obvious reasons.
Now upon further inspection, it appears to be a million-dollar Lucio Fontana artwork that is part of a larger body of work titled "Spatial Concept, Waiting".
While I appreciate good art (lol jks not really), at first glance, I did think one of Kim's kids ripped open a sofa.
In Kim's Instagram post, she shared these brilliant bodies of work with us alongside a caption that reads: "Things at home that make me happy."
I can't help but feel, in retrospect, like these said things made me happy too.
So thank you, Kim.
Feature Image: Instagram @kimkardashian.
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