That Gwyneth Paltrow's everywhere right now, isn't she?
She's in the Hamptons (of course she is, it's July, where else does a Gwyneth "Summer"?), launching a brand new serum at a big, flashy party.
She's coming to Australia to talk to 9,000 of her closest friends in what must be the Gen X, comfy-chairs-only version of the Eras Tour.
She's running through her day in health in Vogue. Spoiler: It starts with "oil-pulling", which is a thing doctors suggest you don't do, but that's very on-brand for Gwynny.
And, she's doing what she does best – which is really, really irritating people.
Watch: Gwyneth Paltrow reveals candle "This Smells Like My Orgasm". Post continues after video.
What now? It's the fact that she said this to Vogue:
"As women, we want to be healthy, we want to be ageing. This idea that we’re supposed to be frozen in time is so weird."
At the same time as launching this: GOOP YOUTH-BOOST PEPTIDE SERUM.
It's confusing, isn't it? On one hand, Gwyneth's saying women are fine with ageing, don't you know? We're friends with the wrinkles and the dark circles and the lines. On the other hand – as evidenced by this week's mass outpouring of horror over what our faces look like with a TikTok ageing filter over it – how disgusting, please sell me a $220 serum.
Just to really ram it home, here's a picture of Gwyneth taken this week, with her daughter Apple Martin and her mum Blythe Danner. Three generations of ridiculously good-looking people, somewhere beautiful.
The picture is important, because in it, Gwyn's wearing Gucci, with cutouts, and looks to be somewhere around the age of 32 (she's 50). Is there a better advert for a youth serum than happily baring your abs well into your sixth decade?
Back to Vogue.
"We want to be ageing!" Gwyneth insists. "I think we want to be setting examples of how you can age. Every woman should do it how they want to do it. Some women want to address every single thing aesthetically, and some women want to be a fabulous French grandmother who doesn’t ever do anything. Everybody should be empowered to do it how they want to."
Judging by the abs, the way Gwyneth wants to do ageing is to not.
Anyway, plenty of people have been trademark Gwyneth-irritated by the irony of her telling people women want to age while also selling them something that professes to stop them doing it. Gwyneth Paltrow wants it both ways.
But then, don't we all?
My face is 51, like the rest of me. I look, on a good day, like a 25 year old who's tried the Aged filter and is currently screaming into the void. My eyes are retreating under my brow and back into my skull, my laugh lines are reaching around for something new to latch on to, my under-eye circles are less circles and more ravines. My neck is loose. All that.
And I don't care, particularly. I was never Gwyneth, so I have less to lose.
But then again, of course I do.
I spend money on skincare. If I could afford and access Gwyneth's latest miracle potion, I most definitely would. It's not about looking young. It's not even about "looking good for my age". It's just about wanting to look like I've still got some life left in me. Glowy, healthy skin looks good, it just does, and I will set aside a portion of the budget that should go to much more sensible things (Super, anyone?) to chase after it.
"I don’t want to erase time from the life I’ve lived," says Gwyneth. "And I don’t have to be wrinkle-free. But I do think that trying to maintain skin texture and luminosity is great."
Yeah, that's the word I was looking for, Gwyneth, luminosity. Expensive, isn't it?
Listen to this episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues after podcast.
I don't want to airbrush my face of experience, either. I don't want to try to pretend I haven't lived as long as I have, haven't been kept up all night by my children, haven't turned my face to the sun a few too many times.
I don't want to pretend that there haven't been a few moments in my life when my body was not a temple, but more of a nightclub, awash with questionable substances and not great when the lights come on.
I don't want to pretend that I'm not sad when I'm sad, or angry when I'm angry, all because I worry that my face might fold into that most awful of things... OLD.
Most of all I don't want to be "anti-ageing" because of all that ageing has given me – long, deep relationships, the wisdom to be a bit clearer on what matters and what's just noise, an appreciation of quieter pleasures and lots and lots of good stories.
We can all conjure the faces of people who we wish had got the chance to age.
And still. I don't want to look as tired as I often feel. I don't want people to look at me and think that I'm done. I'm not done.
I want it both ways. I want age and wisdom. And I want a glowy face.
And Gwyneth knows it. Her marketing strategy is to embody the extreme end of what women who do not have her advantages – physical, financial – aspire to be.
I don't want to wear cut-outs in the Hamptons at a party full of fancy people nibbling on their IV drips.
I do want a face that says, I've still got the energy to do whatever the hell I want.
And just like that, one of the world's most polarising celebrities opened another woman's wallet.
Feature Image: Getty + Mamamia.