'For years, I was married to a narcissist. I missed every single red flag.'

In 2014 I met a man who would become my husband… and later reveal himself as a complete narcissist. Initially, his vulnerability and charm captivated me. He shared traumatic tales of his upbringing, evoking my compassion, and was eager to explore a profound love connection. Within a month, he swept me up in whirlwind romance with his poetic confessions of love. 

Before long, he relocated and moved in with me and my children. The rapid pace of the relationship was exhilarating, considering my previous long-term relationship had lacked passion. 

I found out the hard way that people with narcissistic disorders are incredibly intuitive and adept at saying exactly what you need to hear to yield what they desire – unyielding admiration, known as narcissistic supply. 

Watch: Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist. Story continues after video.

My ex had deep-seated resentments towards his mother, whom he blamed for a tormented childhood. At times, he cast me in the role of his mother, at others, he positioned himself as an omnipotent father figure. I later learned that narcissists often project their unresolved parental issues onto their partners.

In time, they aim to dismantle this projected image, liberating themselves but leaving their partner shattered. 

The telltale signs.

After separating, I delved into understanding narcissism and found an astounding wealth of information. Narcissists are essentially scavengers, hungry for narcissistic supply, willing to manipulate their behaviour to ensnare an ideal mate. They romanticize soulmate narratives to lure you into their fantasy, promising perfect love like those in movies. 

Frighteningly, victims of long-term relationships with narcissists often internalise the abuser's voice, feeling haunted even in their absence. It felt as though my ex-husband had taken residence in my mind, driving me towards madness. The key to recovery was discerning between his voice and my own, and nurturing my own while ignoring his. 

The narcissistic cycle involves initial idealisation, during which they shower you with flattery and adoration. This was my ex's strategy - bombarding me with letters, poems, and songs professing his unmatched love for me. Yet the next stage involves devaluation, a painful process testing your boundaries and fostering a trauma bond. 

The constant switch between idealisation and devaluation creates a disorienting and damaging dynamic.

As their victim loses their 'perfection,' narcissists begin to disassociate, transforming their admiration into coldness, criticism, and cruelty. Eventually, they discard their old supply, swiftly replacing it with a new one, often before the relationship has officially ended.

Listen to Fill My Cup, On this episode, We’ve brought in psychologist Rachel Samson to share her tips for building resilience and navigating the emotional ups and downs that come with nursing a broken heart. Post continues below.

The turning point.

My intuition revealed the woman I was replaced with, yet my then-husband dismissed my suspicions. As our relationship concluded, he confessed that he had been with me for what I could provide him. Strangely, he admitted that the one unexpected thing I had given him was the confidence to seek someone 'better' than me.

In the wake of the breakup, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. I began to reclaim control over my life and my mind, making basic choices about food, clothes, and music that my ex used to dominate. I explored my tastes, tried singing and dancing, and penned love letters to my heart for encouragement and acknowledgement of my pain.  

Supporting my children was another critical aspect of recovery, involving legal measures to protect them and encouraging them to express their emotions. Dancing often served as a cathartic outlet when words fell short. 

I made new friends, connected with people, attended social events, and wrote extensively. Venturing into the dating world again, I discovered men found me attractive and interesting. Eventually, I found a supportive and loving partner. 

Through exploring self-love and various healing processes, I not only healed myself but realised my experience could help others navigate similar traumas. 

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. 

Feature Image: Supplied