No, narcissists don't love themselves. It's the opposite.

In 2024, we'd all like to think we're pretty well-versed when it comes to spotting a narcissist. After all, 'therapy speak' has hit mainstream, and these days we're more aware than ever of the language surrounding mental health conditions. 

We self-diagnose on social media. We talk about 'attachment styles' and feeling 'triggered' and the 'trauma' we have from 'toxic' relationships.

But do we really know how to identify the narcissists in our lives? Or are there red flags we're actually missing?

On a recent episode of But Are You Happy?, host Clare Stephens spoke to Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa, neuroscientist, author and host of the podcast Do You F**king Mind, about how to identify the narcissists in our lives.

And it turns out there's one common 'red flag' we might have wrong. In fact, it's actually the complete opposite to what you've probably always thought.

Watch: 10 signs your parent is a narcissist. Post continues below.

For a little background, Alexis describes her work as "combining neuroscience, psychology and tough love" — and that's exactly what she does. She gives mindset hacks and dissects everything from friendship to boundaries, resentment and stress, and all those components that go into building a happy life.

On the show, Clare and Alexis discussed all of these things — including how to make meaningful friendships as adults, how to end a toxic relationship and open yourself to a healthy one, how to move through heartbreak and... identifying and navigating the narcissists in our lives.

Want to listen to the full episode? Here you go! Post continues below.

Because as an expert in the field and someone who has been in not one, but two narcissistic relationships, Alexis knows all too well what to look out for — and what we might be missing.

"I had two really unhealthy relationships," she shared on the podcast. "One was when I was quite young, and I think I just had no idea what was going on. In hindsight, it was narcissistic, and it was very emotionally abusive. But I just thought, 'Oh, that was crazy.' I was 19 and I just didn't understand.

"The other one was after I had been single for nearly three years. And that was, again, really awful emotional abuse. Narcissist textbook. I know people throw the word around, 'narcissist', but firstly, I think there're more narcissists than people realise, because they're not out there getting diagnosed. So, how do we know how many there are? And secondly, when you have an experience with a full-blown narcissist, it's so clear," she said.

"You're so controlled. Before you know it, you've changed who you are. You feel like you're walking on eggshells. You will say to them, 'You are right,' even though you know they're not, just so you don't have another screaming match. You notice yourself just give away everything that's 'you' just to try and keep the peace."

As Alexis shared, these kinds of relationships can end up having a massive impact on your personal wellbeing, lowering your self-esteem, respect and love for yourself. Which then makes it harder to walk away and identify you're not in a healthy relationship. 

Meaning? You feel stuck.

"You see a lot of people in these relationships, and they will justify staying," she told Clare.

So when you're in a relationship like that, what kind of behaviours stick out as narcissistic?

According to Alexis, it's not actually what you think. For example, how many times have you heard that it's easy to spot a narcissist because they just 'love themselves'?

Well, apparently this couldn't be further from the truth.

"Someone who's up themselves and loves themselves is not a narcissist. Narcissists don't love themselves," Alexis told us. "They love this false idea of who they want people to perceive them to be. They create this image, and they are in love with the image. But they don't like themselves."

The main feature of a narcissist? The "hallmark trait" is the initial love bombing at the start of a relationship.

"It's not to say that if someone's really nice, it's a red flag. But this is what they do at the start. They will do things for you that you can't repay them for. They want you to be in debt to them. So they want to do, like, favours that you just couldn't repay, or they're really financially generous to you, or they always pick you up and drop you off and do everything for you. They'll get you to move in. You don't need to pay rent."

Eventually, Alexis continued, you'll start accepting all these acts of 'generosity', and when they get you to a point where you rely on them, things turn around in a very short amount of time.

"They'll turn against you because they now have leverage," said Alexis. "They'll test you. Everything will be perfect, then they'll do something to shock you. They'll say something quite mean, or they'll do something quite mean, or they'll react in a way that's not normal based on the last three months of them being really nice.

"But because it's been so incredible, your guard is down and you don't defend yourself as you normally would." 

Most people, Alexis said, will let this slide. And then it gradually "gets worse and worse" and people find themselves scrambling to bring it back to that honeymoon stage when things seemed so perfect.

"But what you don't realise is, that was the trap. It will never go back to that. And then they start manipulating."

With glimpses of good times here and there, you're now stuck on this rollercoaster of emotional reliance. And it'll only get worse, Alexis added.

"They'll blatantly gaslight you. You're having a conversation, and they will just outright say you 'lie'. Or 'you never said that'. And you're so sure that you did. But because they do it so often, you start to doubt yourself. And then when you start to question yourself, it is game over. Because that's when they're in your head.

"You can never reason with a narcissist. Ever. They're not there to understand you. They never seek to understand you. They seek to control. All they want is power. So if you look at it from that perspective, the only solution is to step away."

Do you have someone in your life who presents these qualities? What did you do? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Feature Image: Getty.

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