'I know my husband is having affairs. I also know better than to confront him.'

As told to Ann DeGrey.

I knew from the moment I met my partner James that he was the classic "ladies' man". The kind of man who loves being around women, and the kind of man that women just worship. He turns heads when he walks into a room, he knows exactly what to say to make you feel like the only woman in the world. I’d seen it all before, yet there really was something different about him. Maybe it was the way he carried himself, with that air of confidence and power. Or maybe it was his wealth, something I'd never had, but always dreamed about.

In my previous marriage, life was a constant struggle. My late husband, Tom, was a good man, but we were always so poor. We did what we could to scrape by but it wore us both down. When Tom died suddenly of a heart attack, I was devastated.  I had three years on my own to grieve, and to dream of an easier life.

When James started to chase me, he made no secret of his huge wealth. He whisked me off to fancy dinners, took me on incredible European holidays and for the first time in my life, I didn’t have to worry about money. I knew that if things worked out with James, I wouldn't have to go back to that life of being constantly worried about how I was going to pay the bills. 

When we were engaged, James offered me the position of managing his wellness retreat. I was over the moon as I'd always been passionate about wellness and helping others, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to combine my passions with a career. The retreat became a great success and, for me, it was my sanctuary, a place where I could pour all my energy and creativity into something I loved. For a while, it was perfect. I was busy, fulfilled, and I felt so secure.

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But as the years went by, our relationship started to go downhill. James started going on frequent "business trips." When I questioned him, he let me know it was nothing I needed to know about. That was a huge red flag for me. Then there were the rumours, whispers of him being seen with other women. I tried to tell myself they were just jealous gossiping women who wished they were married to him. But deep down, I knew.

James was having affairs, and probably more than one. I'd smell a perfume that wasn’t mine. Once I found a gold bracelet in his car and another time I found a woman’s credit card — when I confronted him, he came up with a crazy story about how he found the card on the street and planned to track the woman down. I knew that the woman had most likely been in his car.

I knew he'd been fooling around with one of the younger receptionists at the retreat. She was barely out of university and incredibly gorgeous. I noticed how James lingered a little too long by her desk, how she laughed a little too loudly at his jokes. One night, I walked in on them in his office; he looked like he was moving in for a kiss. They jumped apart when they saw me, but I didn't need an explanation. The look on their faces said it all. Like a coward, I just walked away. I didn't demand answers because I was too afraid of what might happen if I did.

The truth is, I'm trapped. While I'm surrounded by luxury and wealth, I feel like I can't escape. I can't imagine going back to that life of poverty, of struggling to make ends meet. And more than that, I love my job. Managing the wellness retreat is the one thing that brings me joy, the one thing I can call my own. If I left James, I'd lose everything — the financial security, the job, the life I've built for myself.

So I turn a blind eye. I ignore the late nights, the secretive phone calls, the jewellery and other telltale signs I find in his car that tell me other women have been there. 

I tell myself it doesn't matter, so long as I have my job and my lifestyle, I can put up with his bad behaviour. But deep down, I know it's only a matter of time before something gives. I can't keep pretending that everything is okay when it's not. For as long as I can, I'll keep pretending that I’m the perfect wife in the perfect marriage, even if it's all a lie.

Maybe one day, I'll find the courage to leave, to walk away from this life that's slowly suffocating me. 

Feature Image: Getty.