DIVORCE DIARIES: 'I'm reconciling with my ex-husband. I'm worried it's a mistake.'

Welcome to Mamamia's new column, Divorce Diaries, where Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers questions around love, loss and relationship breakdowns. If you have an issue you'd like advice on, email us at submissions@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course. 

Question: 

I split from my husband six months ago. He never wanted to separate but the marriage was stale, lonely and isolating. I tried everything to save the marriage — and I say "I" because he didn’t make much of an effort, took me for granted, and assumed I would never leave. It was not a rash decision — I thought long and hard about it for the better part of a year last year. Now after spending these six months apart separated in different homes, we have decided to reconcile. While apart he did finally put in the effort — he did counselling on his own, dated me again, acknowledged his part in neglecting our marriage and has basically done everything right. So why am I so anxious about reconciling? How do I know I'm not making a mistake?

What a huge year you've had. Of course you’re going to feel a wide range of emotions, given the relationship rollercoaster you’ve been on.

And now you're faced with another big pinnacle emotional experience, so to feel doubt, anxiety, nervousness and worry are perfectly natural responses given these ups and downs and flips. 

Reconciling with your husband after initiating divorce proceedings is a huge decision with significant ramifications. It's understandable to have doubts and question if you're doing the right thing. The fact that you're seeking guidance shows you want to make this choice thoughtfully and once and for all. That’s good.

There's no perfect way to know for certain that reconciling is the right move. Relationships are complex, and only you truly understand the nuances of yours. However, there are some key considerations that can help provide clarity.

First, reflect on what led you to file for divorce initially. Really recall your emotional daily life. Have the last six months convincingly reversed those years of loneliness, isolation and miscommunication? 

Have those root causes of an alienated marriage genuinely been addressed? Reconciliation requires accountability and substantive changes from both partners. If unhealthy dynamics remain, resentments and problems will likely resurface. You state the last six months have been a real tonic to healing the wounds that led to your split. If you have doubts as to his sincerity, or ability to continue the changes long term, then take more time. You can set the timeline. Why rush? Who is driving the timing? Reconciliation can happen any time and doesn’t need to be hurried.

Watch: MM Confessions: When I knew our relationship was over. Post continues after video.

The important thing is that during this reconciliation process you've both committed to rebuilding trust, improving communication, and putting in the hard work required. Counselling can be invaluable in this process. You say he has engaged in counselling, but have you as well, and have you together? If not, these steps are prudent and common sense given how long you’ve felt estranged and the changes in feelings about being apart or together within the span of the last year. So perhaps think about couples counselling before reconciling or certainly in the foreseeable timeframe as you reconcile and reconnect. You want to create new patterns of communicating and relating so you avoid the pitfalls of the past. 

Also, consider your motivations for reconciling. Are you doing it out of hope, commitment, and shared love? Or are you driven more by inertia, fear of change, or external pressures? Truly examine your reasons to ensure you're not just delaying an inevitable parting once again - which may be underpinning your anxiety about the reconciliation. Wanting to preserve family stability, especially if kids are involved, is understandable—but not at the expense of your well-being.

Additionally, evaluate how you've both handled the reconciliation process so far. Have you set healthy boundaries and standards of behaviour? Or are old dysfunctional patterns emerging? You've said he's been close to perfect — is that potentially a red flag? To be so starkly different from how he was before you split… can these changes be maintained? Do you believe they are genuine? If answering those questions gives your intuition any pause, then take more time. 

Ultimately, there's no way to absolutely guarantee any relationship will last or will be the best, right decision for you. But if you feel confident that real, true, positive changes have occurred, your motivations are sound, and you're both fully committed to the hard work of healing ahead, then reconciliation could be a promising path forward. Trust yourself, value your well-being, and be willing to persist through the challenges while celebrating the reconciliation milestones. 

As you discovered, splitting is not necessarily the end of a relationship. And reconciliation isn’t the end either: a healthy reconciliation after all you've been through includes continued work on the marriage so that patterns don't repeat. If you safeguard your reconciliation with counselling, positive communication and emotional truth, you give yourselves the best chance of success in this next chapter of your relationship. And that honest effort and connection should allay your concerns. 

Wishing you clarity and conviction as you navigate this profound life decision. Your huge year can be a turning point either way, but reflection is critical. With mutual compassion, honesty and effort, reconciliation can lead to the healthy, fulfilling partnership you deserve. Give yourself the time you need to be sure. 

Feature Image: Getty.