I live in reality, which means this Christmas I will travel back to my hometown, eat Christmas lunch with my parents, and rush back to the city, having learnt very little about myself or the spirit of Christmas.
However, if I lived in the Hallmark Christmas movie universe, my Christmas would look a lot different.
I mean, I'd be halfway to falling in love with a widowed, single dad by now.
Here are 27 things that would happen if my life was Christmas rom-com:
1. I'd be living in a BIG CITY, where I moved from my small hometown 10 years earlier to pursue my BIG CITY DREAMS.
2. I'd have a Carrie Bradshaw-esque job, like being a writer at a women's magazine, who only has to file one story a month.
3. I'd live in an apartment that doesn't match the salary I'd be getting from said Carrie Bradshaw-esque job.
4. I'd have a boyfriend named Chad or Brad who works on "Wall Street" and is just about to propose to me so we can have a bunch of little Chads or Brads.
5. My editor would assign me a story to cover over Christmas, which just so happens to be in my small hometown that I left 10 years earlier to pursue my BIG CITY DREAMS.
6. The story would involve me investigating the 'spirit of Christmas' at a local Christmas tree farm and I would have a two-week deadline to file 500 words.
7. I'd arrive back in my small hometown in my BIG CITY heels and complain about the coffee.
8. My parents would be so excited to see me because since I moved to the BIG CITY to pursue my BIG CITY DREAMS I haven't called or visited them because I'm a BIG CITY GAL WITH BIG CITY DREAMS DON'T YOU SEE?
9. I'd arrive at the Christmas tree farm and realise that it's owned by my high school sweetheart, a man named Chris or Ryan who has floppy hair and wears a lot of flannels.
10. I'd lock eyes with Chris/Ryan and then fall over in the snow, because there's always snow in small hometowns at Christmas and I'm clumsy gal in my BIG CITY HEELS.
11. Chris/Ryan and I would reminisce about how we used to sneak up to the water tower to make out and then a small child would run up to him yelling 'DADDY! DADDY!'.
12. Chris/Ryan would tell me about how he married my high school nemesis Laura, and they had this child which they called Noelle for reasons unknown, but then my high school nemesis Laura died in a car crash.
13. I'd pretend to care about Laura's untimely death but all the while I would be staring at his floppy hair and how big his arms look in that flannel.
14. I'd interview Chris/Ryan for my story, our arms would brush, and I would remember that CHAD/BRAD is still waiting to propose to me in the BIG CITY.
15. I'd arrive home for dinner and a sub plot would emerge. My parents want to sell my childhood home and I'm suddenly overcome with nostalgia and I don't want them to.
16. The next day, me, Chris/Ryan and Noelle would go ice skating at the ice skating rink in the middle of town and I'd bond with Noelle.
17. Later, we'd head back to my family home, and I'd see a 'for sale' sign in the front yard.
18. Inside, my parents would be putting up the Christmas tree for the very last time and Chris/Ryan and Noelle would make them a brand new angel for the top of the tree with things they found around the house.
19. My editor would call me to see how I was going with my 500 words and then give me some sage advice about following my heart.
20. The next day, mum, dad, Chris/Ryan, Noelle and I would all head down to the town hall for the annual 24-hour Christmas dance-off.
19. Chris/Ryan and I would dance to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and win the competition and kindly old folks from the town would come up to us and say things like 'I always thought you two crazy kids would make your way back to each other' because they're weirdly invested in a high school romance from 20 years ago.
20. Christmas Eve would arrive and so would Chad/Brad from the BIG CITY with an engagement ring. He would tell me that he couldn't wait any longer to propose to me so we can start having little Chads and/or Brads.
21. Just at the moment, the local real estate agent would burst into the room to announce they've found a buyer for the house.
22. I would look at the Christmas ornament Noelle made and realise I no longer want my BIG CITY LIFE with Chad/Brad, I want a small hometown life with Chris/Ryan and his daughter with the Christmas-themed name.
23. Chad/Brad would head back to the city to hook up with my work nemesis who is also coincidentally called Laura.
24. Christmas morning would arrive and mum, dad and I'd be opening presents when there's a knock at the door. It's Chris/Ryan and Noelle.
25. Noelle would hand me a gift she made from snow and I'd realise that all I want is to move back to my small hometown to be with Chris/Brad and little Noelle.
26. We'd all gather around the tree and drink eggnog that appeared from nowhere and my parents would announce they've decided not to sell the house. We'd cheers to family and small-town dreams.
27. I'd file my final story to my editor and it would be about how I travelled to my small hometown to find the 'spirit of Christmas' and discovered I had the 'spirit of Christmas' inside of me all along.
THE END.
Keryn Donnelly is Mamamia's Pop Culture Editor. For more of her TV, film and book recommendations and to see photos of her dog, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.
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