Weddings are the coolest. An entire day is dedicated to all things you and your soulmate. But once the fanfare dies down and there’s no longer wedding cake in the freezer, sometimes people forget the other part of the deal – the fact they have to spend the next few decades years with the person they kissed at the altar.
Reddit users are saving the day once again, sharing the advice they wish they’d been given before their wedding day. Proceed with caution, this is real talk.
People change – for better or for worse.
Tazi752000 shared the following advice, “People often change throughout their lives, but not just because they got married. Many people get married with either the expectation that marriage will change their SO or that the person will stay the same forever. Neither are correct. People will change, but not always in the ways that you expect and you have to be willing to adapt to them.”
“Marriage is for life, but people continue to change. This will be particularly noticeable the younger you get married. Be prepared to communicate a lot about this on both ends and learn to adapt. The person you are marrying today likely will be a very different person in ten years,” wrote Zazzlekdazzle.
Family matters.
“How they relate to their family and if you can handle it. If, say, your partner’s family is nauseatingly close and loves to spend time together, are you down with that? Is your partner good at setting boundaries? In-laws can destroy relationships,” shared TBogusS301.
“Where you’re going to spend holidays. How much time you’re going to spend with each family. Most people don’t realize how much stress each other’s families bring to the table. Always be a united front,” wrote Amandabee8.
“Once you get married, your immediate family is no longer your parents or siblings, it is your spouse. That can be a hard change for some people,” shared Asielen.
Letransient shared this gem, “This is it. I have a family of four. Me, my wife, and our two kids. We love our extended families, but they are peripheral. My bond with my wife and my children is MUCH stronger than my bond with my parents and my siblings (and, frankly, my bond with my wife is a tiny bit stronger than my bond with my kids). If there’s a conflict between what my parents want and what my wife wants, there’s no conflict, just a bit of emotional labour as I explain to my parents that we’re not doing the thing they prefer. Not everyone sees things this way. I can’t imagine seeing it any differently. But I would make sure you have similar views about family relationship pecking orders before getting married.”
Test out the tricky stuff before you get married.
Mista_Madridista shared the gem of advice we all need, “Go to Ikea together. It’s like Hunger Games for relationships.”
“When my grandfather asked my grandmother to marry him her father made them both sit down and write a list of 10 deal breakers. They then had to discuss them all to decide if they could both live with them before he would give his blessing. In over 50 yrs of marriage neither one crossed the deal breaker line and they had a head start on open communication channels from the experience. The other thing they did was to ensure that each of them got at least one hour of me time every day from Monday to Friday (the other would watch the kids and there would be no chores done during that time) and weekends were family time,” wrote GrumpyKitten1.
CaptainClay2606 kept things brief, writing “Pretend you aren’t going to have a wedding. Still wanna get married?”
“When you fight, remember that you two are on the same side. Sometimes it’ll feel like it’s you versus her… whenever it feels like that, Stop. Back up. Figure out how it’s you both versus the world (or you both versus the fear they’re feeling, or you both versus the problems you’re having or whatever…) and not the two of you against each other. Hell, try to remember that when you’re not fighting too. If you can’t do this… well, I won’t say “don’t get married”… but do work on this, it’s important,” wrote Allisade.
FondantisNasty talks from experience, “In my experience, moving in together changed the relationship more than getting married did.”
“That you agree on the important topics: Children (and how to raise them), Finances/Expenditures, Future Plans, Religion, these are the likeliest topics to have little to no compromise on so if you disagree drastically it will eventually cause a rift,” wrote Kilen13.
Keep up the momentum – it won’t be easy.
VictorBlimpmuscle has all of the wisdom, “Don’t forget to continue going on dates after you’re married.”
“It’s work, and it’s everyday work. If you want a healthy relationship you need to tend to that relationship,” wrote SCFE1.
Daitoshi gets real, writing “Some days your SO is vomiting their guts out and literally cannot do any chores or emotional work. Their job is to empty their gut and moan into the toilet about how terrible life is while you fetch water and crackers and keep the rest of the house in line.”
“Your SO most likely fell in love with the best and strongest version of you. When you get married, make sure that your SO will still love you when you’re down. It’s a lifetime. Hard times will come. This goes both ways. Also, marriage is work. If you don’t put effort into it, it becomes boring,” wrote Throwawayventing2018.
Reddit has weighed in. It kind of seems like you should think about a lot of stuff before tying the knot.