'I stayed in my 8 year marriage for the kids. Then something unexpected happened.'

Dewi* has always been an evidence-based person. 

"I never make decisions without weighing things up really seriously," she laughs, "I spent three months researching which robot vacuum we should buy."

So, when things in her eight-year marriage to her husband Stuart* began to go south, she wasn't going to rush into anything.

"We had two kids under four years old, and I'm not sure when it happened, but we were no longer on the same team," she says. "More than that, we were really, really against each other. I'd resent every moment he took for himself to go to the gym or out with his friends; he seemed to read criticism and nagging into everything I asked him to do."

"Friends told us it was just the stage in our life - they said the fog would clear, and things would get better, but they didn't."

Watch: Is it a good idea to stay together for the kids? Post continues after video.

Dewi and Stuart began counselling, but after six months, she knew the connection wasn't getting any better. 

"We had a real heart-to-heart where we both realised we'd be happier apart," says Dewi, "but, in classic Type A style, I wanted to 'do divorce' right. I was determined we'd manage the split with as little interruption to the kids as possible."

Dewi and Stuart decided that, financially, they'd be better equipped to continue living under the same roof for at least the next six months while they sorted out a plan moving forward.

"We were lucky in a sense, that our issues were not fuelled by extreme animosity or abuse. It was sad that we'd fallen out of love with one another, but neither of us was in danger so it made continuing to live together more bearable.

"We had a granny flat underneath our house we had been renting out on Airbnb, so Stuart began sleeping there as a temporary measure," she continues.

"Strangely, once the pressure was off to 'solve' our issues, a lot of the heat went out of our interactions. Stu is a wonderful father, and crucially, life for the kids didn't change at all. As the self-imposed deadline to put the house on the market drew closer, I found myself wondering if it might be better to remain together in this way, at least while the kids were little. It turns out, Stuart was thinking the same."

After what Dewi describes as a "very open and civil" discussion, the couple decided they'd put divorce plans on hold and remain together - at least financially and locationally - for the kids.

"It wasn't a definitive decision to stay married until they're 18 or anything like that," she says, "but there was an agreement that, for this stage in our family's life, we'd sacrifice our individual romantic ambitions. A lot of my friends baulked at this. They told me I was sacrificing too much, that I was missing out on a chance to find a new partner who I truly loved and who truly loved me back."

Dewi, however, felt a strange kind of peace with her decision. "When I was younger, I always thought of 'staying together for the kids' as a really sad, defeatist kind of phrase. But once I had my children, I realised that as long as Stuart and I were both content with the situation, I actually preferred the arrangement to the alternative. Maybe that would change - and if it did, we both know the option was on the table to make the official split."

For the next two years, Dewi and Stuart continued in their semi-separate co-parenting situation. Over that time, she says they 'accidentally' managed to get back on the same team.

"I wish I could tell you what the secret sauce turned out to be," she says, "maybe it was the kids getting older and not being so reliant on us? Maybe it was the knowledge that we didn't have to make a marriage 'work', or maybe it was seeing Stuart take more responsibility for his own life without being so reliant on me as the default parent," she says.

Whatever the reason, 28 months after they first made the decision that their marriage in the traditional sense was over, Dewi asked Stuart if he'd like to move back upstairs.

"There were a few sneaky nights of 'sleepovers' during that time," she laughs, "but mostly we'd lived like housemates. Which is funny, because it's what made us realise we actually wanted to be more than that again."

It's been 18 months since Stuart moved back into the marital bed and Dewi is pragmatic about the situation, even now.

"It's not a fairy tale by any stretch, and we have both gone back to counselling to navigate the move, but we have a renewed appreciation for what we have built together. When I think of old age, I really do want to be grandparenting by Stuart's side. And I know he wants that with me too."

*Names have been changed due to privacy.

Read more of our stories about marriage and parenting:

• PARENTING CONFESSION: 'I'm terrified my marriage won’t survive my kids moving out.'
• 'Having kids put a strain on our relationship. Here's what we did to fix it.'
• "Neither one of us liked the other": The early years of parenthood were brutal on my marriage.

Feature image: Getty.