Your life's questions: Answered by Mamamia's Rosie Waterland.

Welcome to ‘Ask Rosie’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with your problems about anything and everything and ask me, well, what I would do. Consider it my selfless Oprah-esque gift to all of humanity. You’re welcome.

But be warned, I’m not one to beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I’m a straight shooter. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

I’m currently in this really awkward relationship with a man who lives a few streets away from me. We catch the same bus every day, and then change buses and get onto the same second bus every day. And, we get off at the same final stop every day. I do not know his name. I know nothing about him. But, I feel as if we should both just acknowledge that we spend nearly two hours (classic Sydney traffic) together each day, and have done so for over a year. I actually see him more than lots of my friends. Not that I know him. Or anything.

Should I approach him?!? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Anon xx

Anon. Drop what you’re doing and listen to me RIGHT NOW:

You are currently in the middle of an epic romantic comedy. If you play this thing right, you and Bus Guy are going to end up kissing in the rain, and none of your makeup will run while doing so.

First, get yourself a sassy best friend who rolls her eyes a lot, and is either married or a lesbian (it doesn’t matter which, she just can’t be interested in your leading man). If you can’t find one of those, sub in a fun, bitchy gay guy who tells it like it is, girlfriend.

Next, spill your coffee on Bus Guy. When he takes his headphones out to clean up, you’ll hear that he’s listening to That Song by The Band You Thought Nobody Knew About But You.

Fall in love with Bus Guy. Then, face some obstacles that make you ask yourself if love is enough. Break up with Bus Guy.

There will be a montage with shots of you wistfully looking at a bunch of empty chairs that Bus Guy normally sits in. You will visit all the places the two of you went together and stand there alone looking sad.

Your sassy best friend will take you out to drinks and listen to you complain. His best friend will do the same with him.

Then, a Major Life Event will occur that make you realise that Love Is All That Matters. You’ll run to the bus stop in the rain just as he’s running to the bus stop in the rain. You will kiss.

The poster will be the two of you standing back to back at the bus stop.

The movie will be called ‘Next Stop… Love’.

Sorry, what was your question again?

Dear Rosie,

There’s this guy at work who doesn’t respect personal space boundaries. I visibly retreat and he just moves forward more. How do I politely tell him to back the fuck up?

What would you do?

– Uncomfortable

Here’s what I would do Uncomfortable:

Every time he approaches you about any kind of subject, cut him off and begin describing in detail the last dump you took. I’m talking smell, texture, push-to-length ratio. Nothing upsets and confuses men like the unpleasant realisation that women poo.

They can’t deal with it.

If that doesn’t get him to back right up, leave your desktop on a Google results page for ‘Eyebrow Crabs’. Those things can jump – make sure he knows it.

Dear Rosie,

There’s this man I was kind of seeing, and then all of a sudden out of the blue he dropped contact with me. No more Facebook, Twitter, responding to texts, nothing! I have no idea why! I’ve bumped into his friends but they just say “he’s busy” or something.

Rocking up to his house would be obviously creepy, but if I knew his schedule and just happened to “bump” into him and confront him, that’d be cool right?

What would you do?

Confused.

Dear Confused,

I suspect you may be crazy person, so I will tailor my advice accordingly.

Normally, when a romantic interest halts all communication with you, it’s their subtle way of saying that they’re just not that into you. If a guy wanted to be with you, he probably wouldn’t have stopped talking to you babe. It’s that simple.

BUT. If you’re planning an ‘accidental bump into” (according to his schedule that you know by heart for some reason), then something tells me you’re not the type of girl who is ready to take ‘no’ for an answer. And I’ve been there, so I know exactly what to do:

Text him, constantly. Especially late at night. And the more he fails to reply, the longer and more frequent your texts should get. Then get really drunk and leave him several voice messages where you’re crying and/or yelling.

If that doesn’t work, send him a very emotional series of emails telling him you’re sorry for being so difficult and detail all the things you’ve learned about yourself that will enable the relationship to work, if he’ll just give you another chance.  Then call him to say that you’re totally fine, but you just want to give him his old t-shirt back because you’re worried that it will make your ‘new boyfriend’ jealous.

Finally, leave an 18-page letter in his letterbox with no stamp, so he knows that you delivered it personally. And make sure you spritz it with your perfume so it reminds him of you.

If, after trying all of that, he still doesn’t realise that you’re a total catch, then he’s just not worth it. I’d move on. Figure out where that guy from the coffee shop lives so you can ‘bump into him’ outside his house. Also, check out this movie called ‘Fatal Attraction’. It has some great tips for determined ladies like yourself.

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If you want Rosie’s advice on something, email her at rosie@mamamia.com.au and put ‘Ask Rosie’ in the subject line. Of course it will all be completely anonymous. And she’ll only judge you behind your back.

For past advice by Rosie, click right here.