We asked women about the mental load of caring. Their answers were overwhelming.

This story discusses suicide. 

Rachelle was calling nightly. 

If Donna didn't pick up, she'd get another call. Then another call and an accusatory message. Then a stream of messages asking where she was. It would continue relentlessly until she picked up.

Eventually, it started to wear Donna down. She couldn't support her friend in this way every night. It was starting to affect her own mental health and her evenings with her husband and children. She had to put in some boundaries for her own sanity. 

The first time she decided to turn her phone off at night, she woke up to a suicide note. Rachelle had made an attempt on her life. Donna signed her up to get professional help, she took her calls again, and she supported her friend. But it was taking a toll. 

She told Rachelle she needed to start turning off her phone at night for real this time. She needed that boundary.

The night Rachelle took her own life, she called Donna 81 times. But her phone was off and she was fast asleep. 

Donna blames herself for not answering, but she also knows that it would just have delayed the inevitable. Rachelle was suffocating in her own pain and depression, sparked by the suicide of her husband years prior, and there was nothing she could do to help her. 

She had talked Rachelle into attending an in-house treatment program. She'd sent gifts. She'd given her hours on the phone. She'd devoured books and resources on depression and suicidal thoughts. It'd help a little, but each regression was worse. 

Rachelle wasn't getting better, and so eventually Donna had to step back. 

Is it mean to stop caring?

Donna's reality is being lived all over Australia. A silent, private struggle experienced behind closed doors.

Loved ones forced to step back from those in their lives living with complex disease or trauma, even when the situation is potentially life or death.

It leaves them grappling a moral dilemma; is it mean to stop caring? 

Is self preservation after months or years of support, selfish?

"Is it mean to stop caring?"

It's a question that preoccupies Anita regularly. 

During her teenage years, her mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, leading to years of doctor visits, mental health stays and the challenges of managing the consequences of her manic episodes.

Fast-forward to having her own child, and in an act of self-preservation during a time of stress and overwhelm, she decided to cut her mum out of her life. 

Within a few years, her mother died from breast cancer and now Anita lives with a lot of guilt. 

"While I recognise the logical necessity of my actions back then, I grapple with the mental and emotional repercussions daily, realising that the time I consciously gave up for myself is something I now wish I had back," she told Mamamia.

Australian Psyhcological Society President Dr Catriona Davis-McCabe told Mamamia, "As psychologists, we often see patients who are struggling to cope supporting a loved one experiencing complex mental ill-health.

"Humans are hard-wired to be social creatures, so our lives often involve being there for our loved ones when they’re in need."

As she explained, "You need to remind yourself that if your level of engagement with a loved one is causing you harm, it’s not selfish for you to prioritise yourself. You can’t help others if you’re not able to help yourself." 

"I am not a cruel, heartless person."

Michelle's mum lives with an addiction to pain medication that started after a bad accident a few years ago. 

Since then it's been one thing after another, and Michelle found herself constantly on call. 

After multiple attempts to get her mum help failed, she made a difficult decision. 

"I had to disconnect due to the impact it has had on my own life," Michelle told Mamamia. 

"The guilt has been immense but now it is also about my own life preservation."

Michelle loves her mother, but dealing with her addiction and everything that comes along with it was soul-destroying. 

"I am not a heartless, cruel person... It became a situation of needing to protect my own heart and spirit. It's so dreadfully challenging!" 

For Michelle, caring for her mum became soul-destroying.

For Alana*, cutting off contact with her friend has left her feeling mostly relieved. 

For five years she tried to help with her severe mental health issues, but as time went on the desire to keep offering her support dissipated. 

The friendship had become one-sided. It was all about them.

"I do care about her and wish her all the best, but a variety of factors both in and out of her control led to a slow breakdown of our relationship," she told Mamamia.

"It was all about them."

Lunaria's girlfriend took her life within 18 months of her cutting her out of her life. 

Their borderline personality disorder led to Lunaria being on the other end of character assassinations, accusations, hurtful criticisms and rage. She couldn't take it anymore. 

But as she told Mamamia, "I never stopped caring, not once. Not even after our breakup. It's never about not caring anymore, it's about recognising when the cost of investing in the recovery of the loved one is too high. 

"When the other person cannot make the changes to keep the relationship safe for everyone, it's time." 

In Dr Davis-McCabe's eyes, that's the right decision. 

"If your mental health is being impacted and the situation is becoming overwhelming, it may be a sign you need to step back from the support role," she said. "Be open and honest with your loved one and explain you need to take some time to look after yourself."

Of course that's easier said than done. 

Most of the women in this story are still grappling with complex feelings in their journey to being at peace with their decision to step back.

Lunaria is in a place now where she is okay with that chapter of her life.

"It was hard, especially after their suicide but I know in my heart of hearts that I never stopped loving them, never stopped caring and never stopped wanting the best for them; I just stopped trying to help them get better," she told Mamamia.

"I had to make peace with their choices, they weren’t mine."

Donna feels similarly after experiencing her friend's suicide, recognising (after going through her own traumatic process), that in the end you have to separate yourself from their decisions. 

"Rach’s descent into madness wasn’t slow," she explained. "It came with many signposts and there were opportunities to stop it or slow it down but ultimately it was her descent and her choice. Her journey, her agency and her choices led to her end. That doesn’t depreciate or negate anything. It simply is."

There's a saying that gets bandied about a lot; 'Be kind. You don't know what someone's going through.' This is one of those times. Both for the person in crisis and the person or people in support roles.

These kinds of experiences are often too big and complex to tell people about casually, and it's the kind of situation that comes with a lot of complex feelings.

Dr Davis-McCabe says education is vital. So is keeping the conversation alive, because this is more common than you'd think. 

It's happening in households all over Australia, silently behind closed doors. 

If you're struggling with this issue right now, clinical psychotherapist with Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy Julie Sweet has put together this practical advice for Mamamia, to help you support both the person in your life, and yourself.

For the person you're caring for make sure you:

1. Suspend judgement.

Encourage self-efficacy and self-determination while maintaining compassion is often in the best interest of those struggling.  

2. Ask open-ended questions.

Refraining from giving advice can make a significant difference to the person seeking to establish trust and support. Modelling naming how we feel and speaking in the "I" can be extremely useful.

3. Encourage professional support.

The support caregivers show their loved ones isn’t to be underestimated. Of course nor is recognising when therapeutic intervention is required. 

Supporting a loved one with mental health issues involves collaborating with professionals, clinicians, support groups, and seeking personal therapy to provide the best possible support.

Up-skilling and learning techniques for self regulation, de-escalation, and staying present are additional tangible steps.

For yourself, remember to:

1. Prioritise yourself.

Prioritising others' needs over our own can be detrimental to both individuals, as it can lead to languishing and stretching oneself too thin. 

2. Stay safe.

Caretakers must demonstrate and implement boundaries when caring for individuals with complex trauma or reduced capabilities. 

It is essential to be mindful of personal safety and emotional wellness, including recognising symptoms of burnout, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness.

 3. Practice self-care.

People often overlook the importance of taking time for themselves by enjoying small daily activities like exercise, podcasts, or disconnecting from their caregiving role to simply be present without external pressures.

Self-care is paramount. It encompasses more than just relaxing activities; it requires setting limits, maintaining nutrition, seeking support, and preserving personal values while staying connected to oneself and the community.

If you, or someone you know needs support, connect with Lifeline by phone 13 11 14 (24/7), text 0477 13 11 14 (24/7) or chat at www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat (24/7).

*name changed for privacy reasons

Feature image: Getty.

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