'I was already a mum when I terminated my twin pregnancy. It broke my heart.'

I’ve always been pro-choice. But I discovered that being pro-choice on paper does not make a termination a simple or easy decision in real life.

When our first child was one and a half, we found out I was pregnant again. We were so excited to grow our little family. I found out early. At the dating scan, we were stunned when the sonographer said the words ‘twins’. She said they shared a placenta and would be identical. I swore a lot. But in my disbelief, I felt special and lucky.

On the way home, my partner and I shared our shock. We knew it would be gruelling. 

Our firstborn still didn’t sleep well. My partner has a serious chronic disease which meant he was in and out of hospital while I was pregnant with our first child and needed major surgery two weeks after I gave birth. What would the extra stress and sleeplessness mean for us as a family?

Watch: Marian Keyes talks to Mia for No Filter on abortion. Post continues below.

In the days that followed, the news settled. We told our family. We started planning to move out of our little apartment and buy a bigger car. 

But I also started to read. 

Twins that share a placenta, called 'monochorionic twins', make up only 30 per cent of all twin pregnancies and are at much higher risk. There was a 10 per cent chance we would lose one or both during the pregnancy. They can also be born prematurely. 

Reaching 36 weeks was essentially the best-case scenario. Monochorionic twins also have a significantly higher risk of cystic fibrosis, serious heart defects and other health issues. I began feeling unsettled. We already knew that our children had a 10 per cent chance of inheriting my partner’s condition. Taking on the additional health risks seemed like a lot. 

I also read up on the statistics for twin families. There are significantly higher rates of divorce and mental health issues.

My partner and I questioned whether it was the right thing for our family to take on all this additional risk. We worried about the impact on our one-year-old too. Could we still be the parents he needed if things went wrong? 

My obstetrician was kind and non-judgemental. He said it was up to us how much risk we could tolerate and that he would understand if we chose not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I found myself wishing that I would have a miscarriage and it would take the decision out of my hands. My mum, who promised to support us whatever we decided, gently reminded me that I didn’t have to rely on fate. This was exactly the choice that women had fought for.

We knew that these babies would become loved members of our family if we continued with the pregnancy. But weighing the risks against our responsibility for our existing family’s wellbeing was agonising. 

And the clock was ticking. If we were going to terminate, I wanted to do it early, ideally through a medical abortion.

Eventually, though my heart was breaking, we decided the risks were too high for our family to bear. I called a clinic and booked an appointment for the following week. They couldn’t offer any telephone counselling before that because of a public holiday. 

In desperation, I called a number I found online for some pregnancy counselling and realised too late it was an anti-abortion hotline. 

Numb, I listened as the woman begged me to reconsider my decision. I hung up in a daze. I felt like I had been punched. It didn’t change my decision, but it amplified the guilt I felt.

I didn’t believe the embryos in my womb were capable of thought or feeling and I didn’t see them as independent lifeforms. But I still felt the possibility of what they could become and felt selfish for wanting to give up on them because of a preference to carry one baby rather than two.

At nine weeks, I had a medical termination. I felt overwhelming grief. I knew it was nothing like the grief of parents who lose a baby later in pregnancy, or after being born. It wasn’t grief for the babies themselves, but for what could have been. But I also felt relief. 

Listen to the episode of No Filter with Marian Keyes. Post continues below.

I felt certain it was the right decision. For the first time, I truly understood the heavy burden women carry. 

It is our right and our responsibility to decide what is best for our families (and ourselves) and whether we can be the mothers our children need us to be. Sometimes “choice” is between two options you don’t want.

For a time I didn’t know if I would ever want to try for another baby. But a year later, we decided it felt right. 

The early months of the pregnancy brought up the pain and grief again, but the birth of our baby was very healing. Life with our two beautiful children is intermittently exhausting and heavenly. I still think about what could have been, occasionally with an ache, but often with relief. Things feel hard enough much of the time.

I’m not sharing my story to say that everyone should find a termination heart-breaking, or that twins are a risky choice for everyone. I’m sharing my story because, at the time I had my termination, I couldn’t find any stories of women who’d done the same because they were pregnant with twins. 

I hope my story will help other women facing a similar situation feel less alone.

I was so lucky my family were supportive when I had my termination. Because abortion is still taboo, many women are dealing with their terminations alone, their strength, pain, grief, and relief going unrecognised and unspoken. 

I initially imagined I would keep it a secret from everyone else in my life. But when I eventually shared my experience with close friends, I received only love and understanding. 

Some friends shared their own stories of terminations. The judgement and shame that I feared was in my head. 

All women deserve the same support to make the decisions that are right for them and their families.

Feature Image: Getty.

*While the writer is known to Mamamia, she has chosen to remain anonymous. 

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