It’s been seven years since I left him.
Most days he doesn’t cross my mind. I forget that he existed.
Trigger warning: This post deals with an account of intimate partner violence and may be triggering for some readers.
The things that he put me through are filed away somewhere that never gets opened. I’ve done the work of understanding what I went through, of forgiving him for the abuse, and moving on with my life.
I’ve been an intimate partner violence (IPV) awareness advocate for years now. I can name everything on the power and control wheel. I’m an expert on abuser dynamics. I know how to support a survivor of intimate partner violence and most of the time, I remain comfortably numb from the experiences being shared with me. I can hear stories of abuse and talk about the dynamics of IPV and always feel detached, like these things happen to people that aren’t me. I forget that I, myself, am a survivor of intimate partner violence. This is not hypothetical — this is my life, too.
And then, one day, something triggers a memory. Maybe it’s his name in my inbox (which would indicate that he has broken up with whatever poor girl he most recently victimized). Maybe it’s a photo on Facebook. That’s what it was this time — a photo of him and a girl I’d never seen before. My stomach flipped and dropped. I felt sick. I could hear his laugh; smell his musk. It’s like he was standing in front of me. Memories flashed through my mind in a rush. Without being able to stop myself, I clicked through photos to get a sense of how long he’d been dating this one. Long enough. Long enough that his pattern must be starting by now.
I want to message her. To warn her. But I don’t. How crazy would I look, this ex-girlfriend of almost a decade, happily married to someone else, messaging his current girlfriend? That’s how he would spin it, too. I never could get over him, he’d say. I’m crazy, he’d say. That’s what he told the first girl that I tried to warn, the one he dated after me. It took a year, but she finally saw what I had already seen and reached out. After her was another girl. And now this one.
Those of us who have left our abusers, we all have the same stories. His pattern never changes. He is predictable. He is an abuser. I want to tell her, this new one, but I don’t. And I hate myself for this, for not warning her. I feel like somehow it is my job, my responsibility, to tell her who he really is. But I can’t. Instead, I message the girl that was right after me. I ask if she wants to get coffee. Sometimes, when I’m triggered, reaching out to her makes me feel better. We don’t talk often, but we share a special bond. We were victimized by the same person, and we both have scars as a result. Different scars, each of us, but scars nonetheless. We belong to a secret society that I hope no one else ever joins.
I’ve forgiven him. I don’t hate him. I’m no longer angry with him. I truly hope that he changes one day, but I don’t have faith that he will. He’s an abuser, after all. It’s been seven years since I left him, but it never really goes away.
This article was originally published by Ravishly. It has been republished here with full permission.
You can follow the author, Britni de la Cretaz on Twitter here.
If you, or anyone you know are dealing with issues of domestic abuse:
Contact 1800Respect: 1800 737 732 or www.1800respect.org.au
Or speak to someone you know and trust.
For more personal stories like this one:
When your mother is your abuser.
After decades of abuse, Katherine has 4 children with her own father.
Ashley Judd writes powerfully about her history of abuse and incest.
Top Comments
I relate to this so much. I feel like no one understands. I dated my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend from the ages of 16-19. I'm now nearly 22, have an absolutely wonderful partner, but I still cant shake what happened. He works for my family and I feel like none of them take what happened seriously and just think it wasn't a healthy relationship all over and it was just kids being kids but I was a victim. He isolated me from my friends, put down my appearance, told me I was fat, ugly, stupid, told me to drop out of university because I was a moron, controlled who I saw and where I went, would fly into a fit of rage if I came home fifteen minutes later than I said I would be. On one occasion I was alone in the city at night and scared and his way of comforting me was telling me I was too fat and ugly to be sexually assaulted so I had nothing to worry about. I've looked at the power and control wheel a lot and his biggest things were using emotional abuse, using isolation, minimizing and blaming and using male privilege. Because we're from the same small country town (which I have now moved away from) and he still works for my family I hear a lot about his life. I've seen two girlfriends come and go, both still in high school while he is 23 and I don't know to deal with them. I want to tell them to run but I think they'll just think I'm the crazy ex girlfriend. It also makes me question, if they stay and he isn't this way towards them was it just me? Did I deserve it? I was quite overweight when we dated, maybe if I lost the weight like he always wanted me to he wouldn't have been that way towards me. I feel like any time I try to talk to my family about it they just think "get over it." I feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm still so consumed by hate for him. It's been years and it's not a matter of getting over some kind of feelings I had for him - they are long long gone and were gone before the relationship even ended, but I still struggle with getting over what happened.
No matter what happens in his future relationships it sounds like he was abusive. No one deserves being called names or any of the other things you listed. Would you do that to someone you love? I would think not. Don't double guess yourself.
If it's an ongoing issue for you, maybe you need to talk to a professional, even if Lifeline is all you can manage at this point (still a great service). It can take a long time to deal with the emotional fall out from DV.
I understand your words so intimately. Please please please know that no matter your weight, height, dress size, shoe size, hair colour or what your favourite colour is none of his behaviour is your fault. These people are predators. Ones of the worst kind. They seek ones like you and me out to prey on. You're one of the fortunate ones in that you've managed to get away. You are changing your cycle. You are ridding yourself of his nuisance. Be free, be you and try to let his harsh hurtful words go. His preying personality is not who you are. You can now keep being the wonderful human being you are. Keep shining your compassionate caring light on those that deserve and are grateful for your attention. Build yourself up hun, don't look back... That's how they keep you there with them.. xxxx
Patterns are hard to change and abusive ones dont