Speaking as a parent, I’ve never found anything more mortifying than a call from my kids’ school to say my child has physically or emotionally hurt one of their peers. And as much as I’d love to be able to say it has never happened and congratulate myself on excellent parenting, I must admit it: I have, indeed, been on the receiving end of more than one of those calls.
I’ve also fielded the calls where my child is the target of nasty behaviour, and while that is also devastating, in all honesty, I found the my-child-as-the-aggressor scenario worse.
I think because I felt like it was a failure on our part as parents — and I wouldn’t blame the parents of the other child for blaming us too.
But, like almost everything, babies aren’t born with the skills they need to be empathetic and kind; they need to be taught — and like anything else they’re learning, some of the best lessons come from making mistakes.
Kindness and empathy are complex concepts that even adults often find difficult to apply, so of course it’s going to be challenging for a child.
Empathy is the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling and then to respond to that with care, which first requires a child to understand that they are an individual and that other people can have different thoughts and feelings to their own (this is a whole developmental milestone!).
They also need to be able to recognise common emotions like happiness, surprise, anger, sadness, etc.
My three kids range in age from 13 to eight, so over the years I’ve gathered a fair bit of experience — and a lot of stuff ups along the way — in teaching (or trying to teach) empathy and kindness from toddlerhood right through to high school. Here is what I’ve learned.
It is a continuous process.
Unfortunately, you can’t just sit your kids down, give them a lecture on being kind and empathetic, and then send them on their merry, angelic way.
You need to be prepared to keep having these conversations as your child experiences different and increasingly more complex situations over time.
It starts when they’re babies.
The way you and other people present in your baby’s life treat each other is your baby’s first lesson.
Babies look to their parents’ reactions to people and situations to work out their own response in what developmental psychologists call ‘social referencing’.
For example, if someone new comes to the door, a baby will observe the way their parents respond to the new person to decide whether that person is safe or not.
This is why parents are encouraged to be upbeat and happy at daycare drop-off — so their child knows that they’re being left with safe people.
Pets and siblings are like a kindness starter pack.
If you have pets, you’ll no doubt be teaching your moving baby or toddler to be gentle and treat their furry or feathered friends kindly.
I remember saying so many times, “We don’t pull the kitty’s tail, that hurts him” when my youngest was small and obsessed with our (very patient) cat’s “handle”.
If you have more children or nephews and nieces close in age, toddlers will learn to be gentle with their baby brother or sister (in my house it sounded a lot like, “please don’t poke baby in the eyes/aggressively launch baby into orbit in their bouncer”), to share their toys and, eventually, they’ll have sibling conflicts to prepare them for the world of trying to make friends.
Even if their fights drive you crazy, remind yourself they’re learning from it.
Be humble.
Sometimes even we, the parents, make mistakes.
Maybe you overreacted and shouted over something minor or forgot something that was important to your child and feel guilty.
This is the perfect time to demonstrate kindness and empathy to them by admitting you were wrong, acknowledging you caused them hurt and apologising sincerely.
They also get the opportunity here to put their own skills into practice by (hopefully) forgiving you.
Don’t force them to say ‘sorry’.
Who remembers being forced to say ‘sorry’ as a child, even if you didn’t feel sorry? Extra points if you, like me, crossed your fingers behind your back just to ensure the apology wouldn’t ‘take’.
Being made to apologise doesn’t really teach kindness or empathy, especially if the child isn’t sure why they should be sorry.
Instead, you can say to them, “Look, Max is crying. He's sad that you took the toy he was playing with. What could you do to make him feel better?”
This helps your child make the connection between the response (crying) and the emotion (sadness), and their action that caused the response — as well as giving them the opportunity to think about what might make their friend feel better.
And let’s face it, an insincere apology is just as awful to receive as it is to give.
Read books with your children.
Books provide a whole range of scenarios that characters need to navigate, as well as a variety of characters with different backgrounds and challenges.
You can expand on this by asking your child whether they think a character did the right thing, or how they would have felt in that same scenario.
If someone is mean, talk to your child about why.
As a parent, it can be difficult to show kindness or empathy to another child who is mean to your own — personally, I straight-up want revenge, but you know… I’m an adult.
So, instead of seeking vigilante justice, encourage your child to consider whether the ‘mean’ kid is reacting to something going on in their own life.
Maybe they were tired, hungry, or feeling sad because they are being bullied themselves.
While there’s no excuse for being mean, it can help to approach mean people from a place of empathy. Who knows? They could become a friend.
Make sure they know there are consequences.
I’m currently going through this with one of my children who is having trouble, let’s just say, “expressing his anger appropriately”.
We’ve talked not only about better ways to manage anger and frustration (literally any way that isn’t fists would be great), but also explained that kids won’t want to be friends with him and he’s likely to miss out of playdates and parties.
The same goes for online.
This becomes more relevant in the tween/teen years, when the security of being behind a screen emboldens young people to say things they probably wouldn’t say face-to-face.
However, they need to know that words on a screen can be just as harmful, and that they’re forever.
With a teen now myself, I’ve also found it necessary to point out that celebrities are real people and may be reading comments directed at them — none of us are immune to hurt feelings, no matter how famous.
As is often the case with parenting, as soon as I think I’ve got a handle on things, a new challenge pops up.
But I think if we keep the lines of communication open, and our kids know they can talk to us about anything, we’ve got a good chance they’re going to turn out okay.
Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia.
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