Why we need to stop calling parenting issues 'seasons'.

I have just emerged from a particularly challenging few months of parenting. The transition to daycare and back to work after maternity leave, with a barely one-year-old. 

It was brutal. My son spent two months either crying on drop-off, or crying from the up-teenth sickness he'd contracted from the place I was dropping him off to. 

I spent my days feeling like a shit parent, and a shit worker. I'd scroll through the daycare app feeling the guilt surge through my body when every photo was of a grim little dude either being held by an educator (because he wouldn't let them put him down), or sadly sitting amongst other kids as they participated in paint/play/circle-time. 

I am on the other side now. My son is happy and thriving at daycare, and is sick on a much less disruptive basis. Meanwhile, I finally feel like I can concentrate while I am at work and get into the groove of my new reality.

My friend, Emma, has just entered a different parenting pain-point. The transition to big school and 9-3pm hours, which clash horrifically with most regular 9-5pm working hours. 

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While my struggle was relatively short-lived, Emma is staring down the barrel of years of compromise, confusion and frustration as she tries to navigate a system that we know doesn't work.

But don't worry. What I endured, and what Emma is enduring are just 'seasons.' A difficult season of parenting that will eventually pass, or work itself out. 

Well, that's what academia, the media and advertising has told us. That's how those around us have dismissed our very real, very distressing challenges.

Recently in a newsletter, author Claire Zulkey wrote, "sometimes when you express something witchy on social media (or even real life), other people come back with the promise/threat that you’re going to miss this some day."

She was talking about "cherishing each moment of young parenthood fully and with an open heart and zero negative feelings." Like that would somehow innoculate you from later feeling any sense of grief for that time once your kid is older. 

It got me thinking about seasons. It's the same bulls*** as this 'idea' that you need to cherish every moment, no matter how hard. The pressure that puts on parents! The unrealistic expectation! The guilt when you are not in fact *cherishing* a particularly hard day/week/month. 

Those two months I mentioned above, were some of the hardest months I have experienced as a parent. The upheaval, the emotions, the guilt, the sickness - I shed more tears during that time than I care to count.

Calling it a 'season' undermines what I experienced. Telling me to 'cherish it' just makes me feel s*** about myself. It makes my struggle sound trivial, and like my reaction to that experience was perhaps a bit much. A bit over the top. 

As for Emma's dilemma. Traditional 9am to 3pm school hours come from a time which assumes women do not work. In 2024, it's much more common to have two working parents (either out of desire, monetary reasons or both), and yet families are still trying to juggle school hours amongst working hours that don't match.

That's not a 'season' to endure, that's a fundamental problem that we need to fix as a society. 

How is Emma supposed to *cherish* the logistics of seven years of primary schooling that force either her, or her husband, to drastically change their career?

Sleep deprivation is a torture technique. A baby that isn't sleeping is a nightmare. They're miserable, you're miserable and every facet of life is affected. We can't keep letting new parents flounder their way through this experience and just dismiss it as a 'season,' while demonising any intervention said parents are considering to save their sanity. 

Often parents in this pain-trough are also told, "but they're only little for such a short time, enjoy the extra cuddles and contact naps." That might be true, but that doesn't negate the whole not sleeping thing. And it doesn't just cancel out a tired, overwhelmed parent's feelings on the matter. 

So why does this keep happening? 

School holidays going on for weeks and weeks and weeks and working-parents having to work out a jumble of childcare options because they don't have enough annual leave days to stay home with them?

That's a problem. Not a season. 

Bringing a new baby home and wrangling with the emotions and transition of introducing your toddler to them, while also trying to grapple with the sudden doubling of your responsibilities?

That's a challenge. Not a season. 

Recently I wrote a story about regretful parents. I am not a regretful parent, but reading through the anonymous stories of those who are, I noticed a common thread. These parents felt like they had been lied to about the realities of what parenthood was. They felt cheated and tricked; they knew it wasn't going to be easy, but the realities of those challenges hadn't been properly explained to them before they jumped in.

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It's phrases like, 'parenting seasons,' that contribute to that. It's telling parents to "cherish every moment" that makes them stop talking about how they actually feel.

Parenting is a wonderful, rewarding and beautiful experience. But it's also messy, and complicated and really challenging. We need to stop glossing over the nuances of those challenges. 

Some challenges aren't worth cherishing, and that's ok.

Feature image: Getty.